I hate knowing

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I hate knowing

Just when you think your life is the lowest, most rockbottom excuse for a feeble existence, something comes along to slap you in the face with a large dose of reality. My problems are nothing. People are dying--and not in the figurative sense or the overly dramatic. They find lumps and bumps that are not benign. And we think "wait, aren't we too young for this?" But cancer knows no age, race, gender, sexual orientation...its insidiousness just invades without rhyme or reason until suddenly there are you are face to face with a demon so impossible, it doesn't seem real. But it is real. It's very real. And it's staring you in the face. Fortunately, it's staring AT you, not from you, so you have to be grateful. Or at least a little humbled by your shortcomings of wanting to be thinner, or prettier, or smarter, or more perfect than before. I already feel guilty for saying "fortunately"....for it's never "fortunate" when someone has to face such a horrible obstacle in life. I shouldn't be relived that it's not I....I should be scared and aware and alerted to the fact that the old adage is true. "There but for the grace of G-d go I". Or whatever you believe in. It's all luck. Life is a gamble. You take risks and you go on adventures, never really knowing what's to become of you in the end. It's maddening and horrifying and exciting all at once. Sometimes I just want to hide behind my Sapphire. Just for a moment, I say. Just for a moment until all the demons dissolve and the air is carefree again. But it never lasts. Reality always returns.

And it fucking sucks. (am I allowed to use such language on here? I'll throw a quarter in the jar just in case.)  It sucks loudly and proudly and with a soprano scream so piercing it breaks glass half way across the world. It moves oceans and shakes the ground beneath us.

And then I realize that here I am where I began. I'm the same person only different. I know things I never wanted to know. I hate knowing.