Facing fears

I am torn between the idea of facing our fears to get through them and avoiding them so we don't get hurt. I don't know which one makes us stronger. I am grappling with a question as to whether I dive into what could be shark infested waters and hope for the best, or whether I stay safely on shore where I know I don't have to worry. But there's that pesky little thing called regret--the "what ifs" the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" thoughts. Long ago someone told me don't be a "coulda woulda shoulda" person, DO IT. I think he was right.

But here I am afraid. At the core, I'm afraid of rejection. The last time I dove into these waters, I never expected there to be sharks. I thought I was taking a dip in a beautiful clear blue sea. I soon discovered that wasn't the case. It stung, it hurt me way down deep, and it took a long time to heal. I'm not quite sure it did heal all the way. I thought it had, but when I think about getting into these potentially dangerous waters again, I feel the same pain but mixed with fear. 

I'm hoping the universe will let me know what to do. I'm throwing it out there in hopes that I find an answer.

Loss

Another great composer has died. First Tormis in the Spring of 2017 and now Jeffers in the Summer of 2017. Both will be sorely missed in the choral world, but their music will live on in the hearts of many and on stages all over the world. I had the distinct pleasure of working with both of these men while singing in a Women's Chorus. Both were generous of heart, kind, funny, and extremely helpful. Without ever being negative, they both had a way of getting out of us exactly what they envisioned in their music. I am so honored and so lucky to have met both of these great composers in person.

Losing people in your life is never easy. It forces us to face our own mortality. It stares us straight in the eyes and reminds us that life is precious and fragile. Take every moment and savor it. Don't wish away the time because you are waiting for the next thing. 

Being slightly superstitious here, I worry about things happening in threes. There is one more composer and I won't mention his name (because superstition is strong) about whom I worry. He has a huge legacy and has created an enormous repertoire of music for the choral world. In the end, I know he will have left a legacy unlike many. I just hope the end isn't soon.

-Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Social Media and keyboard warriors

Recently, I've noticed that people are bold enough on social media to knock someone down whether it's the person posting or someone commenting. They are quick to use foul language and make cruel comments when they could simply say they disagree or better yet, scroll on by. It's sad to me that people really talk to others that way. I wonder if they would say the same things to the person's face? Being a so-called keyboard warrior is easy. You sit behind a computer and remain anonymous as you tear someone down. They may retort in the same way. It's a reflection of this world and how hate has become the new normal. Somehow we've gotten the notion that it's ok to hate, to be cruel, to hurt, to demean, and to reduce other people to nothing. It's not just social media, but everywhere. I never wanted to live in a world like this. I never thought this would happen. I guess I never thought it would happen to me and that's a precarious way to live. Everyone thinks it won't happen to them. Until it does. Many think the rules don't apply to them. Until they do. And furthermore, many don't look past their own experience to realize that they are a step away from being the target of cruelty or any other form of hate. 
I'm staying off social media for a while or at least filtering out the negative. I try to post positive things and hope it inspires others. If not, at least I'm putting some good out into the universe. Hopefully, that good will come back to me.

Misunderstanding or misjudgment?

I was enjoying a really wonderful weekend and all of a sudden I got the sense that one person in the part was subtly trying to dictate everything we were going to do. By subtly, I mean, "Well let's sit down at look at this brochure I've been reading. I'm thinking about a few places I'd like to see" Sounds all well and good, right? Not really. This person asks for opinions but really only wants one person's answer and then says....well whatever, I trust your judgement. Only not really. So finally, I stop talking and keep to myself knowing that whatever we do will be fun anyway. Again I'm asked about something so I answer with whatever you want because every time I suggest something, it seems to get shot down. I'm fine with whatever you want to do. The result? I get blown off and this other person whom she wants approval from, is designated the decision maker. Seriously? We could go around in circles for days and never get out of the hotel lobby. 

Later, I make a joke (and it was obvious as I was laughing and smiling when I said it) and this person jumped down my throat telling me "don't scold that person. Don't scold." I looked shocked and said "I was joking. I wouldn't do that" This was followed by backpedaling of how this person cannot read me, doesn't know how people are "out here", and was confused. I retorted and assured this person that I was not and never would scold anyone for that kind of thing. This person somehow got into a tailspin and YELLING said "I'm apologizing, just accept my apology!" Only the person never used the words "I'm sorry" or even "sorry". I looked the person straight in the eye (even though they could barely make eye contact), and said I would never do anything like that--You know me better than that. Stumped, the person said, Oh I guess I should. YES YOU SHOULD! (and yes, I'm yelling because that's how it was in my head).

Sometimes this happens with this same person in varied situations and I can't figure out if they're misunderstandings or misjudgments. I mean, does this person REALLY judge me so harshly? Does this person think I'm a horrible piece of dirt? Or is it really misunderstanding on both parts--the person doesn't quite get my sense of humor and maybe I misread this person's comments as scolding ME. After all, when I confronted the person about being shot down about ideas, the person said, oh don't read it that way. That's not it at all. And don't complain. Ummm...I'm not the one complaining every 2 minutes about wanting to stop and take photos, or wishing we could eat at a scenic place, or are we going to do anything more "scenic" than this? 

I guess it goes both ways and we've never quite worked this out. It gets shoved under the rug and we change the subject, suddenly being civil again. But there's always the next moment when I am blindsided by some weird comment. I strive to be a good person--a kind person and to be generous of heart. Sometimes when I'm challenged, I doubt myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I try my best. And I always try to be sure that everyone has a voice and we all agree on what we want to do even if it's not exactly what I wanted. We come to an agreement and we go along happily. WITHOUT COMPLAINING. Which is what I did all weekend. Oh well.

I always think next time will be better. And it's not.

Standing Your Ground

Today I stood my ground. I sucked in the arrows I wanted to sling at people and was able to be direct all the time maintaining my professionalism. Surprisingly, I ended up getting what I wanted! I was flabbergasted but I guess standing your ground actually gets you somewhere. Sometimes. 
I'm not saying never be flexible (this coming from the most type A person I know) but stick to your beliefs and be strong. 

I came into the situation with great trepidation. I don't even know why because this isn't new to me, but there I was with an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach that simply would not disappear. As I said, though, I calmed down and was able to articulate what I needed and actually got it! 10 years ago, I would not have been able to do that. Ok, let's face it--two months ago, I couldn't even do that. #yayformodernmedicine #Ahem

I've come a long way in my life and in my career. I never thought I'd end up in this position but here I am and I LOVE it! I am happier than ever both in my job and in my life. I didn't know it was possible. I have to pinch myself sometimes. *pinch*

When you Have Nothing to Say

What do you write when you have nothing to say? And I don't mean you have *nothing* to say, just not anything different from what you've said a bazillion times before. I'm sometimes (ok, always) anxious, I love routines, surprises scare me, I like order in my life, I'm type A living in a world that barely understands me--I've said that before and probably more than once. So who wants to read the same old same old? I don't even want to write the same old crap every time. So here I sit with nothing to say. Hmmm....

I have decided I can lose 1.25 pounds a week which will result in loss of 50 pounds by the end of May. Can I do this? Maybe. Am I going to die trying? Yes. Well, probably. Oy.

Anyway, I'm noticing that despite the weather, summer is coming to screeching halt and life is getting busier. It was a lovely slow summer even though I worked. Somehow, it was more relaxing. But now it begins--the rat race of meetings, rehearsals, teaching, and doing all of my jobs while juggling time to spend with friends and just sit at home watching trashy TV. BTW, skip Toxic Shark. I can't believe I watched the whole thing. 2 hours I will never get back. 

I guess that's all for now. Enjoy life because it's worth it!