Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Wind out of my sails

Well, that took the wind outta' my sails. I was so excited about going to visit a friend I've not seen in ages. It all seemed too good to be true when our plans worked out. Then the proverbial other shoe dropped. Sigh. I am going to be the third wheel. Instead of a fun weekend hanging out, shopping, drinking, relaxing, chatting, it's going to be a weekend of being "on". In other words, it won't be a short vacation. I know it's selfish, but I didn't want to have to deal with anyone outside our friendship. I don't want to have to be put together and afraid to walk around in pajamas. I don't want to feel like I'm leaving someone behind or that I'm being left behind--i.e. third wheel. 

I wish I could just cancel the trip and either stay home or go somewhere else. I know my friend would be disappointed and I can't let on that I feel this way. I can't let on WHY I feel this way. I guess I'll just have to make the best of it. I was hoping for more as I've spent the last year making the best of it. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

So close yet so far away

Why is it that when we get so close to the end of something, whether it be a work year, a class, paying off debt, loans, whatever, it's the hardest part of the journey? I can see the end but I can't quite reach it yet. Impatience sets in--along with some other things, but we won't go there.

Two things come to mind right now--paying off the last of my debt and finishing a work contract. My debt is just short of 3 payments until finished, and my work contract is just a few days until completed. It's been a long haul for both and I never thought I would see even a glimpse of the end.
I can't breathe in anticipation of being able to breathe when this heavy weight is lifted off my shoulders. I guess that makes no sense, but that's how I feel at the moment.

Then the saying "don't wish your life away" comes to mind. Am I wishing my life away by hoping these final days go quickly? While I do believe in cherishing every day, I kind of want these days to fly by so I can enjoy the ones that follow. Patience has never been one of my strong suits. Ugh.

I have already promised myself I will never get into these situations again. I will learn how to say no and not feel guilty. I will learn to take care of my sanity without feeling like I'm letting others down. I will remember what it feels like to be in the thick of these situations and how good it feels when I'm not. I can do this. I have come this far and I will get to the end.

Friday, April 6, 2018

Until it Happens to You

You never know how you will react until it happens to you. It's easy to envision a situation and go through in your mind how you would react. Until it really happens. Today I was faced with a situation exactly like that--one I had envisioned and thought about how I would react. It was nothing like that. A million thoughts swarmed through my head. I was frantic, panicking, and completely out of body. Clammy fingers texted the person I was supposed to meet next. The words I typed were not as I felt inside, but rather how I wished I had felt--or even didn't feel at all, but they were a defense mechanism to get me through without falling to pieces. Although I was surrounded by 100 or so people, I was alone. I was the only one there waiting for the evil to strike. I was sure it would be only moments until I was faced with the unthinkable. After what seemed like an eternity, I was suddenly able to escape. Without thinking, I dashed out and  fled immediately. I didn't think about the consequences of fleeing so carelessly. I just wanted to get out and far away. So I did.

I arrived at my next destination thinking I was perfectly fine and composed. It was only moments until I realized I was anything but together. The tears were just behind my eyes and fear took over my being. I couldn't hear myself speak, I was moving on autopilot. It took a friend to stop me and give me permission to leave. As soon as I got in the car, reality hit. I was hysterical. To this day I won't forget what happened. And this was only a fraction of what could have been. This paled in comparison to almost anything I've heard about over the last year. But it hit me deep inside. Because it happened to me. The thing I think about every day when I go to work, almost became real--it did become real, just not as real as it could have been. 

Hold your loved ones tight. Always say goodbye. You never know when it will be the last time. Or almost the last time.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Tears of Joy and Sorrow, Love and Pain

Last night was an historic night. In a deep red state, a democrat took the senate election. It was unbelievable, incredible, and an important reminder that there is good in the world--that people really do care about one another. The outrage has turned to action. People are telling the government they are not happy with how it's going now and their voices are heard in their votes.

I cried tears of joy for the optimism this brings. I wept for the sorrow that has been living inside me for so long and finally rushed out in a moment of happiness. I cried because of love and pain and how closely they sit together. 

This world will come together again. The cracks will seal, the deep divides will join together again, and we will be one again. Not us and them. Just us. That day isn't far away. Last night gave me a glimpse of hope that our future has some light in it.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

When your life changes

It's been a while since I've written. My life has changed in an immense way. I have accepted the rewarding and challenging task of teaching 21 classes a week in addition to the 6 I already teach and the 20+ hours a week I work in a different capacity. Suddenly, the hours aren't mine anymore. I have a more rigid schedule to which I must adhere and I have had to turn my routines upside down and inside out in order to feel safe and organized. Needless to say, I went into this with great trepidation and some anxiety about how to make all of the puzzle pieces fit. After several weeks, I think I finally found a way to make it all happen. I'm not sure I like it, but it works and allows me to get everything done and keep some order in my life. 

I won't say the whole thing hasn't been frustrating and even terrifying at times. At the same time, whatever job I'm doing, I'm immersed in it and the whole world goes away for the time I'm there. It's only when I return home or have the rare moment to myself, do I realize how much I have crammed into my life. So much to fit in such a small amount of time. As I said, I'm still not sure I like it, but I have accepted it. Mostly.

I know I can't go on like this for ever and I know there is an end to all of this craziness. The additional classes will end in the beginning of May and then I'll have my life back. Although things are crazy and busy, I do notice that I'm not flipping out like I used to. I manage my life and all that comes along, much more easily now. #Betterlivingthroughchemistry

I'm grateful to have a plethora of jobs that I love and where I feel as though I'm making a difference.
In this world, it's not a small thing to feel you're making a difference of some sort. The world feels bigger than it ever has and more daunting than before. We all want to make our mark and be remembered for something good. I'm hoping that I'm doing that even in the smallest way.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Has it been this long?

I don't even know when it was the last time I wrote. Life sure can get in the way sometimes. I don't know where the days go and suddenly, I find myself sitting here a month later,  astonished that I haven't written a word in all of that time. So much for routines. I should put this in my routine. SHOULD being the operative word. One thing I have noticed while getting my routines in order, is that there is a limit to how much one can fit into the day, week, month before you have no time to yourself--to do what you feel like doing. And on top of that, my life is about to change drastically. There will be even less time for routines and I will need to reconfigure my cleaning and household schedule. I have gotten into such a great groove and now the thought of making these changes to accommodate my soon to be new schedule, is daunting. I have already drafted a new routine including cleaning schedule, laundry, groceries, etc. I'm uncomfortable with it mostly because it's change. I'ma creature of habit. I like routines and I like them to stay the same as long as they are working well. And this one is. Sigh.

I didn't mean to come here and complain, just wanted to process some of this change that's coming soon. It's good change and it will make me happy, but I will need to be much more vigilant about how I use my time. I've been so used to having a lot of time to complete my routines and get work done on my own schedule. Now some of that will change. Hopefully, it will work out--hey, maybe I won't sit around and eat so much and thus lose a few thousand pounds! Silver lining...

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Control and routines

As you may well know if you've read my blogs before (especially the beginning ones) I am a total type A personality and thrive on routines. I also like to feel in control of my surroundings and of what is going on. I like knowing and having a plan. Lately, I have been using my routines to ground myself. I feel less anxious when I know what I need to get done and when I'm going to do it. I also like to be in control of when these things will happen. I don't like surprises and I don't like it when things go awry. Of course, I'm repeating myself because I've said all of this before. 

The interesting thing is that there is one place in my life where no matter how hard I try, I do not have control at all. I do everything I can to be sure to keep things in a routine, in control, and always have a plan. But somehow, these routines and plans just don't result in anything positive. So....do I throw caution to the wind and just figure it's never going to be the way I want it? For someone like me, that's nearly impossible. On the other hand, I feel as though I'm setting myself up for constant feelings of failure when I don't meet my goal. What to do?

I wish I had the answer. I hate when I don't have an answer. I don't like that gray area of life where things are uncertain.