Tuesday, December 12, 2017

When your life changes

It's been a while since I've written. My life has changed in an immense way. I have accepted the rewarding and challenging task of teaching 21 classes a week in addition to the 6 I already teach and the 20+ hours a week I work in a different capacity. Suddenly, the hours aren't mine anymore. I have a more rigid schedule to which I must adhere and I have had to turn my routines upside down and inside out in order to feel safe and organized. Needless to say, I went into this with great trepidation and some anxiety about how to make all of the puzzle pieces fit. After several weeks, I think I finally found a way to make it all happen. I'm not sure I like it, but it works and allows me to get everything done and keep some order in my life. 

I won't say the whole thing hasn't been frustrating and even terrifying at times. At the same time, whatever job I'm doing, I'm immersed in it and the whole world goes away for the time I'm there. It's only when I return home or have the rare moment to myself, do I realize how much I have crammed into my life. So much to fit in such a small amount of time. As I said, I'm still not sure I like it, but I have accepted it. Mostly.

I know I can't go on like this for ever and I know there is an end to all of this craziness. The additional classes will end in the beginning of May and then I'll have my life back. Although things are crazy and busy, I do notice that I'm not flipping out like I used to. I manage my life and all that comes along, much more easily now. #Betterlivingthroughchemistry

I'm grateful to have a plethora of jobs that I love and where I feel as though I'm making a difference.
In this world, it's not a small thing to feel you're making a difference of some sort. The world feels bigger than it ever has and more daunting than before. We all want to make our mark and be remembered for something good. I'm hoping that I'm doing that even in the smallest way.


Saturday, October 14, 2017

Has it been this long?

I don't even know when it was the last time I wrote. Life sure can get in the way sometimes. I don't know where the days go and suddenly, I find myself sitting here a month later,  astonished that I haven't written a word in all of that time. So much for routines. I should put this in my routine. SHOULD being the operative word. One thing I have noticed while getting my routines in order, is that there is a limit to how much one can fit into the day, week, month before you have no time to yourself--to do what you feel like doing. And on top of that, my life is about to change drastically. There will be even less time for routines and I will need to reconfigure my cleaning and household schedule. I have gotten into such a great groove and now the thought of making these changes to accommodate my soon to be new schedule, is daunting. I have already drafted a new routine including cleaning schedule, laundry, groceries, etc. I'm uncomfortable with it mostly because it's change. I'ma creature of habit. I like routines and I like them to stay the same as long as they are working well. And this one is. Sigh.

I didn't mean to come here and complain, just wanted to process some of this change that's coming soon. It's good change and it will make me happy, but I will need to be much more vigilant about how I use my time. I've been so used to having a lot of time to complete my routines and get work done on my own schedule. Now some of that will change. Hopefully, it will work out--hey, maybe I won't sit around and eat so much and thus lose a few thousand pounds! Silver lining...

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Control and routines

As you may well know if you've read my blogs before (especially the beginning ones) I am a total type A personality and thrive on routines. I also like to feel in control of my surroundings and of what is going on. I like knowing and having a plan. Lately, I have been using my routines to ground myself. I feel less anxious when I know what I need to get done and when I'm going to do it. I also like to be in control of when these things will happen. I don't like surprises and I don't like it when things go awry. Of course, I'm repeating myself because I've said all of this before. 

The interesting thing is that there is one place in my life where no matter how hard I try, I do not have control at all. I do everything I can to be sure to keep things in a routine, in control, and always have a plan. But somehow, these routines and plans just don't result in anything positive. So....do I throw caution to the wind and just figure it's never going to be the way I want it? For someone like me, that's nearly impossible. On the other hand, I feel as though I'm setting myself up for constant feelings of failure when I don't meet my goal. What to do?

I wish I had the answer. I hate when I don't have an answer. I don't like that gray area of life where things are uncertain. 


Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Facing fears

I am torn between the idea of facing our fears to get through them and avoiding them so we don't get hurt. I don't know which one makes us stronger. I am grappling with a question as to whether I dive into what could be shark infested waters and hope for the best, or whether I stay safely on shore where I know I don't have to worry. But there's that pesky little thing called regret--the "what ifs" the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" thoughts. Long ago someone told me don't be a "coulda woulda shoulda" person, DO IT. I think he was right.

But here I am afraid. At the core, I'm afraid of rejection. The last time I dove into these waters, I never expected there to be sharks. I thought I was taking a dip in a beautiful clear blue sea. I soon discovered that wasn't the case. It stung, it hurt me way down deep, and it took a long time to heal. I'm not quite sure it did heal all the way. I thought it had, but when I think about getting into these potentially dangerous waters again, I feel the same pain but mixed with fear. 

I'm hoping the universe will let me know what to do. I'm throwing it out there in hopes that I find an answer.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Loss

Another great composer has died. First Tormis in the Spring of 2017 and now Jeffers in the Summer of 2017. Both will be sorely missed in the choral world, but their music will live on in the hearts of many and on stages all over the world. I had the distinct pleasure of working with both of these men while singing in a Women's Chorus. Both were generous of heart, kind, funny, and extremely helpful. Without ever being negative, they both had a way of getting out of us exactly what they envisioned in their music. I am so honored and so lucky to have met both of these great composers in person.

Losing people in your life is never easy. It forces us to face our own mortality. It stares us straight in the eyes and reminds us that life is precious and fragile. Take every moment and savor it. Don't wish away the time because you are waiting for the next thing. 

Being slightly superstitious here, I worry about things happening in threes. There is one more composer and I won't mention his name (because superstition is strong) about whom I worry. He has a huge legacy and has created an enormous repertoire of music for the choral world. In the end, I know he will have left a legacy unlike many. I just hope the end isn't soon.

-Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Social Media and keyboard warriors

Recently, I've noticed that people are bold enough on social media to knock someone down whether it's the person posting or someone commenting. They are quick to use foul language and make cruel comments when they could simply say they disagree or better yet, scroll on by. It's sad to me that people really talk to others that way. I wonder if they would say the same things to the person's face? Being a so-called keyboard warrior is easy. You sit behind a computer and remain anonymous as you tear someone down. They may retort in the same way. It's a reflection of this world and how hate has become the new normal. Somehow we've gotten the notion that it's ok to hate, to be cruel, to hurt, to demean, and to reduce other people to nothing. It's not just social media, but everywhere. I never wanted to live in a world like this. I never thought this would happen. I guess I never thought it would happen to me and that's a precarious way to live. Everyone thinks it won't happen to them. Until it does. Many think the rules don't apply to them. Until they do. And furthermore, many don't look past their own experience to realize that they are a step away from being the target of cruelty or any other form of hate. 
I'm staying off social media for a while or at least filtering out the negative. I try to post positive things and hope it inspires others. If not, at least I'm putting some good out into the universe. Hopefully, that good will come back to me.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Misunderstanding or misjudgment?

I was enjoying a really wonderful weekend and all of a sudden I got the sense that one person in the part was subtly trying to dictate everything we were going to do. By subtly, I mean, "Well let's sit down at look at this brochure I've been reading. I'm thinking about a few places I'd like to see" Sounds all well and good, right? Not really. This person asks for opinions but really only wants one person's answer and then says....well whatever, I trust your judgement. Only not really. So finally, I stop talking and keep to myself knowing that whatever we do will be fun anyway. Again I'm asked about something so I answer with whatever you want because every time I suggest something, it seems to get shot down. I'm fine with whatever you want to do. The result? I get blown off and this other person whom she wants approval from, is designated the decision maker. Seriously? We could go around in circles for days and never get out of the hotel lobby. 

Later, I make a joke (and it was obvious as I was laughing and smiling when I said it) and this person jumped down my throat telling me "don't scold that person. Don't scold." I looked shocked and said "I was joking. I wouldn't do that" This was followed by backpedaling of how this person cannot read me, doesn't know how people are "out here", and was confused. I retorted and assured this person that I was not and never would scold anyone for that kind of thing. This person somehow got into a tailspin and YELLING said "I'm apologizing, just accept my apology!" Only the person never used the words "I'm sorry" or even "sorry". I looked the person straight in the eye (even though they could barely make eye contact), and said I would never do anything like that--You know me better than that. Stumped, the person said, Oh I guess I should. YES YOU SHOULD! (and yes, I'm yelling because that's how it was in my head).

Sometimes this happens with this same person in varied situations and I can't figure out if they're misunderstandings or misjudgments. I mean, does this person REALLY judge me so harshly? Does this person think I'm a horrible piece of dirt? Or is it really misunderstanding on both parts--the person doesn't quite get my sense of humor and maybe I misread this person's comments as scolding ME. After all, when I confronted the person about being shot down about ideas, the person said, oh don't read it that way. That's not it at all. And don't complain. Ummm...I'm not the one complaining every 2 minutes about wanting to stop and take photos, or wishing we could eat at a scenic place, or are we going to do anything more "scenic" than this? 

I guess it goes both ways and we've never quite worked this out. It gets shoved under the rug and we change the subject, suddenly being civil again. But there's always the next moment when I am blindsided by some weird comment. I strive to be a good person--a kind person and to be generous of heart. Sometimes when I'm challenged, I doubt myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I try my best. And I always try to be sure that everyone has a voice and we all agree on what we want to do even if it's not exactly what I wanted. We come to an agreement and we go along happily. WITHOUT COMPLAINING. Which is what I did all weekend. Oh well.

I always think next time will be better. And it's not.