Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Misunderstanding or misjudgment?

I was enjoying a really wonderful weekend and all of a sudden I got the sense that one person in the part was subtly trying to dictate everything we were going to do. By subtly, I mean, "Well let's sit down at look at this brochure I've been reading. I'm thinking about a few places I'd like to see" Sounds all well and good, right? Not really. This person asks for opinions but really only wants one person's answer and then says....well whatever, I trust your judgement. Only not really. So finally, I stop talking and keep to myself knowing that whatever we do will be fun anyway. Again I'm asked about something so I answer with whatever you want because every time I suggest something, it seems to get shot down. I'm fine with whatever you want to do. The result? I get blown off and this other person whom she wants approval from, is designated the decision maker. Seriously? We could go around in circles for days and never get out of the hotel lobby. 

Later, I make a joke (and it was obvious as I was laughing and smiling when I said it) and this person jumped down my throat telling me "don't scold that person. Don't scold." I looked shocked and said "I was joking. I wouldn't do that" This was followed by backpedaling of how this person cannot read me, doesn't know how people are "out here", and was confused. I retorted and assured this person that I was not and never would scold anyone for that kind of thing. This person somehow got into a tailspin and YELLING said "I'm apologizing, just accept my apology!" Only the person never used the words "I'm sorry" or even "sorry". I looked the person straight in the eye (even though they could barely make eye contact), and said I would never do anything like that--You know me better than that. Stumped, the person said, Oh I guess I should. YES YOU SHOULD! (and yes, I'm yelling because that's how it was in my head).

Sometimes this happens with this same person in varied situations and I can't figure out if they're misunderstandings or misjudgments. I mean, does this person REALLY judge me so harshly? Does this person think I'm a horrible piece of dirt? Or is it really misunderstanding on both parts--the person doesn't quite get my sense of humor and maybe I misread this person's comments as scolding ME. After all, when I confronted the person about being shot down about ideas, the person said, oh don't read it that way. That's not it at all. And don't complain. Ummm...I'm not the one complaining every 2 minutes about wanting to stop and take photos, or wishing we could eat at a scenic place, or are we going to do anything more "scenic" than this? 

I guess it goes both ways and we've never quite worked this out. It gets shoved under the rug and we change the subject, suddenly being civil again. But there's always the next moment when I am blindsided by some weird comment. I strive to be a good person--a kind person and to be generous of heart. Sometimes when I'm challenged, I doubt myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I try my best. And I always try to be sure that everyone has a voice and we all agree on what we want to do even if it's not exactly what I wanted. We come to an agreement and we go along happily. WITHOUT COMPLAINING. Which is what I did all weekend. Oh well.

I always think next time will be better. And it's not.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Standing Your Ground

Today I stood my ground. I sucked in the arrows I wanted to sling at people and was able to be direct all the time maintaining my professionalism. Surprisingly, I ended up getting what I wanted! I was flabbergasted but I guess standing your ground actually gets you somewhere. Sometimes. 
I'm not saying never be flexible (this coming from the most type A person I know) but stick to your beliefs and be strong. 

I came into the situation with great trepidation. I don't even know why because this isn't new to me, but there I was with an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach that simply would not disappear. As I said, though, I calmed down and was able to articulate what I needed and actually got it! 10 years ago, I would not have been able to do that. Ok, let's face it--two months ago, I couldn't even do that. #yayformodernmedicine #Ahem

I've come a long way in my life and in my career. I never thought I'd end up in this position but here I am and I LOVE it! I am happier than ever both in my job and in my life. I didn't know it was possible. I have to pinch myself sometimes. *pinch*

Saturday, August 5, 2017

When you Have Nothing to Say

What do you write when you have nothing to say? And I don't mean you have *nothing* to say, just not anything different from what you've said a bazillion times before. I'm sometimes (ok, always) anxious, I love routines, surprises scare me, I like order in my life, I'm type A living in a world that barely understands me--I've said that before and probably more than once. So who wants to read the same old same old? I don't even want to write the same old crap every time. So here I sit with nothing to say. Hmmm....

I have decided I can lose 1.25 pounds a week which will result in loss of 50 pounds by the end of May. Can I do this? Maybe. Am I going to die trying? Yes. Well, probably. Oy.

Anyway, I'm noticing that despite the weather, summer is coming to screeching halt and life is getting busier. It was a lovely slow summer even though I worked. Somehow, it was more relaxing. But now it begins--the rat race of meetings, rehearsals, teaching, and doing all of my jobs while juggling time to spend with friends and just sit at home watching trashy TV. BTW, skip Toxic Shark. I can't believe I watched the whole thing. 2 hours I will never get back. 

I guess that's all for now. Enjoy life because it's worth it!

Sunday, July 30, 2017


If you have anxiety, these statements will resonate with you. If you know someone with anxiety, you may understand some of them or maybe even all of them. If you don't know anything about anxiety but want to learn, here's your chance. I watched a video (linked below) which really struck a chord. I have friends who completely understand and would never say these things. I also know well-meaning people who have said these things to me and it always makes me feel bad. I never have the right response but I would like to form one. If you have any advice, please leave it in the comments.

Things that don't help a person with anxiety: (for a more complete explanation of each, please watch the video)

1. Telling us to calm down.
2. Why are you freaking out?
3. There are worse things happening in the world.
4. I know exactly how you feel. I get nervous too.
5. Everything's going to be fine.
6. You're just lazy.
7. You're just over-thinking things.
8.You can't control it, so stop worrying.
9. I wish you wouldn't worry so much.
10. Force yourself to do it and face your fears.


I have one to add: You're a smart person. You know this isn't right/real/worth worrying about/helpful.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

My Civic Duty -- Part 2

I didn't beat the odds at first. I sat in a jury box and was grilled for a few hours along with 17 other people. I heard many stories that broke my heart as the subject matter brought back so many memories with which I wasn't at all prepared to deal. Holding back tears from the very first announcement about what this case was, I felt sick. A feeling in the pit of my stomach made me want to scream, cry, shake, or all of the above. I now feared more than ever that I would be chosen to serve on this jury. I knew I could never be unbiased. I knew this person was guilty and I hated him for what he had done. 

While he showed absolutely no emotion while the questioning went on, I wondered how any person with any shred of a heart, could keep their composure. He was completely without remorse. With a pounding heart and anger in my voice, I stood my ground about how I felt. I never swayed from my opinion. I was adamant that I could never be unbiased in this kind of case.

I was excused at the end of the day. I felt a slight twinge of guilt as though I had done something wrong. I had only told the truth--and it was harrowing to have to talk about some of those things. I got in my car and immediately bawled. I called my friend and almost breathlessly told her about my day. It took a long time before I could shake off this experience. I'm not sure I have completely, nor am I certain I will ever forget it.

My heart breaks.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

My Civic Duty? (controversial)

I know it's my "civic duty" to do jury duty. However, I am highly skeptical that anyone can be unbiased --I know I can't. Also, I think it's a crock of donkey shoes to have a random group of people who may or may not understand anything about the law or the testimony, deciding someone's fate. It leads to jury nullification and/or verdicts that are delivered from emotions and not facts.
I think there should be professional jurors whose job it is to understand the law and how trials go. I think these professionals should serve on juries as trained jurors who have learned how to keep their emotions out of it and how to REALLY listen to the testimony and abide by the law of "beyond reasonable doubt". I know that I cannot do that. I have strong opinions and I am not swayed. I believe a person is guilty if he or she has committed a crime and would not be arrested for nothing. If they're arrested, it's for a reason and that means they're guilty as hell. I think crime rates would lower if people knew there were no loopholes and no technicalities to get them a veritable slap on the wrist instead of jail time. As they say, you do the crime, you do the time. 

Having friends and family in law enforcement and as lawyers, all tell me that a jury is a hindrance rather than a help. Their lack of understanding frustrates the lawyers and makes for a more difficult trial than would otherwise happen if it were just lawyers or as I said PROFESSIONAL jurors. And what the f*ck with calling in again and again? Seriously? So I have to constantly arrange my life around the time I'm assigned to call in? What the fecking sh*t is this? UGH

I always hope to beat the system, but I'm not holding my breath. Honestly, I don't think I'd make a good juror so I hope they see that and excuse me. Anxiety abounds and panic is setting in. Hopefully, I will look back on this and laugh. Until then, I'll be breathing into a paper bag.

Friday, July 21, 2017


I've never known true happiness. Until recently, I thought true happiness was an impossible dream. It's not at all! It comes in a bottle and it's 300 milligrams daily. I won't tell you what it is, but I will tell you that it's a miracle. I am finally me. I don't remember the last time I felt so REAL and not mired down in anxiety and panic and worry. I won't say that I never worry or feel irrationally afraid, but the past few months have been eye-opening. I am happy now.