Friday, July 21, 2017

Happiness

I've never known true happiness. Until recently, I thought true happiness was an impossible dream. It's not at all! It comes in a bottle and it's 300 milligrams daily. I won't tell you what it is, but I will tell you that it's a miracle. I am finally me. I don't remember the last time I felt so REAL and not mired down in anxiety and panic and worry. I won't say that I never worry or feel irrationally afraid, but the past few months have been eye-opening. I am happy now.


Saturday, July 15, 2017

On Trying to be Perfect

So often we try to be perfect. All too often and usually always, we fail. Perfection is a dream--an impossible dream that nobody can achieve. But that doesn't stop us from reaching for it. Desperately reaching into the void for some shred of the magic of whatever we believe is perfect.
when we fail, we beat ourselves up until we vow to try harder. The cycle repeats unrelenting and unforgiving just as we are with ourselves.

After a long climb out of the darkness, I finally feel human again. I feel "balanced" and I do not fear the sudden loss of emotional control. With that said, I still see my imperfections and want to correct them, especially now that I've come this far. I'm not saying my moods are perfect, but in comparison to the hell I lived, this is paradise. Except for one thing. I need to change that one nagging thing. I need to turn it around and make it as close to perfect as humanly possible. I don't know how long it will take or if I will ever get there, but I will never stop trying.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Feeling Guilty

I feel guilty. I'm doing nothing wrong but I feel guilty. I have a job that pays me year round. The only thing is that there is little or nothing to do in July. I feel like I should be doing SOMETHING for that paycheck. I'm desperately looking for things to do but I come up empty every time. It's not my fault if the district is closed and I can't get the info I need to do my work. My boss knows it and since I work my tail off all the time, she probably doesn't care if I don't do much during this particular month. But....I feel guilty. It's weird. I'm so glad to have the time off (sort of) and sharpen up my routines, get myself ready for the craziness that hits in August, and to enjoy friends and family.

But...you know the rest.

Type A personality trying to live in a not so Type A world. It's a challenge.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Making routines work as you get ready to go away

I hardly ever get to go on vacation, but I do occasionally visit my family and friends for a few days at a time. Typically, this occurs on weekends but sometimes spills over into the week. If you have been reading this blog, you know how I am about cleaning, organizing, and routines for everything. Before I leave for anywhere, I make sure to have a clean house--everything put away, dishes washed and put away,  laundry done, sheets and towels replaced so they're clean when I return, trash out, plants watered,  and everything in its place. I love the feeling of coming home to a clean home.

This sounds like a daunting task. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. First I consider the days I will be gone. Say, Monday-Thursday. Since I grocery shop on Fridays, I would probably skip the one before I leave and make sure to eat all the perishables. I always have enough to get me through the weekend.
If I've done my cleaning routine well, I will just have to give the place a once over on Sunday before I leave. I always clean the bathroom and take the trash out last right before I leave. I also vacuum to make sure any crumbs of the weekend are gone before I come back.

If I'm staying someplace where I can do my laundry, I will do so on Thursday (laundry day) and come home with clean clothes. Then I'm ready to go grocery shopping on Friday as usual. It makes me feel better to know that even when I'm not home, my place is clean, clutter free, and I can begin my routine without having to scramble to get things done I should have done during the days I was gone.

I hope this makes sense. I wrote another blog about sticking to routines when you are going away half way through the week and you don't want to come home to a messy house. The crux of it was that I could start my routine on the weekend before (as in make Saturday my "monday" and work up to the 5th day before I leave) So have no fear--you CAN complete your cleaning routine and come home to a lovely clean home no matter what days you will be gone. And you don't have to double up on anything or spend hours cleaning on one day. With some creative thinking and problem solving, you'll leave happy and come home even happier.


Friday, July 7, 2017

Keeping only what you need and love

This is a work in progress. It's always so hard to part with certain items even if you find yourself never using them, never wearing them, or they just sit in a box or drawer never to be seen.
At first this seems a daunting task to think of everything you own and what you should give away, donate, or keep. (or toss out). One thing that helped me is to separate your belongings into categories. Go through your dishes. Do you use them all? Do you love them all? If not, consider giving them away or donating them to a charity. Someone will love them and use them not to mention be grateful for being able to get them. The same method applies to other things you own. Clothing, cosmetics, linens, towels, anything you seem to accumulate.
It's harder than advertised, but it's possible. I'm making progress. I've parted with many dishes and after giving them away, I don't miss them. I covet the extra space I now have where once they were stored.

Let me know what works for you. Maybe we can all benefit from each other!
Until next time, enjoy the purple in the world. :)


Monday, June 26, 2017

Rant: YouNow

Ok, this is WAY off topic for this blog, but bear with me. I need to rant about something. WHAT IN THE ENTIRE FK IS YOUNOW? I feel as though it's a copout for YouTubers so they don't have to make real videos. 99% of them are watching the YouTuber read comments and respond to them. They often don't even say what the comment is. They thank people for "bars" whatever those are, and then try to say "thank you" in different languages. It's totally cringy. I mean it's not DONKAH SHAY or merSEE, And "de nada" is you're welcome or it was nothing. Stupid uninformed people. At least do some research if you're going to try to speak other languages. I feel like I'm watching someone just sitting in their house hanging out with their friends doing nothing. Some have long pauses where the person doesn't even speak. I don't get it. I'd rather watch a real vlog on YouTube where the person has put together thoughtful content and has something meaningful to say. I even enjoy watching people vlog their ordinary days. It's like a window into their lives. YouNow is a long drawn out non-conversation that has nothing to say. But what do I know? I'm just a blogger with barely any content that's worth reading.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Do You Ever Feel Like a Fraud?

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I mean, I do my job fairly well and I come across as someone who's got it all together and knows what she's doing. But sometimes I stop, look around, a think "omg, I'm really not doing all I could and what I am doing isn't what people think it is". Maybe it's my own insecurity or maybe I could try harder. I think the crux of the matter is that most people only see the outside of me. They don't see inside where I live every day in my perfectionist world. My almost OCD world. My anxious world. They don't see it because I've become a master (mistress?) at hiding it--at least in public. It's a lot of work to hide your real self. It's exhausting, in fact. 

But I know from experience that we shouldn't give up and we are our own worst critics. I've done more than I ever dreamed I would do so I must be doing *something* right. I think. Sigh.

Is it just me or do other people feel like they're a fraud too? I don't know. But if you're reading this, please tell me your story.