Friday, February 19, 2016

Another trip around the sun

As a facebook friend so eloquently put it, I've completed another trip around the sun. It was a crazy, exciting, awesome year to be sure, but the marking of the event this year was lackluster. I was half happy about that since I'm not a fan of getting older, but I was a bit sad that I had no specific plans except to add wine to a meeting I was running that evening. Ah well. No need for fanfare, I suppose.
I'm just astonished that I'm thirty-sixteen...ahem, 46. Creeping closer to the big FIVE-OH scares the hell out of me. It's quite paradoxical because I always thought I'd be dead by 30 (that's a whole other blog that I will refrain from getting into now). and so I never feared getting old because I didn't think I would. To me "old" meant 35. Now I face my mortality and that of my parents as well. Oy. Thinking about it and how I have absolutely no control over it whatsoever, gives me anxiety beyond belief. And I already have enough of that.
I'm still torn between, how do I get out of the rest of my life and please don't let me or anyone else die.

On another note, yet another person in my life confided in me that she has what she believes is anxiety. It's always strange to me to find more and more people I know suffer with this ailment. It's so common and yet so secretive much of the time. I'm grateful for medication and how it has saved me from myself. I'm sad for everyone who has to face this demon because it sucks the life out of you.

Well, that was uplifting. I wonder if anyone reads this?

Monday, February 8, 2016

That little place of success

I never wanted to be a professional singer. I knew that the competition would wear me out mentally and physically and I simply wasn't interested in making music to be "better" than someone else. I wanted to teach and so I did. But there was a part of me that wanted to sing too. I found my place in this most wonderful choir where I discovered I had a voice that people wanted to hear--that deserved to be heard. I grew and my confidence came with every new song I sang. I had finally found my little place of happiness in the performing world. It was a lot of work and a lot of trusting (I'm not good at that) but it was well worth it. I felt happy about where I was--I wasn't going to the Met, but I was singing as well as I could and happy with what I had. Suddenly, it was taken away from me and I didn't even realize it until later.

A crushing rejection was the beginning of my defeat. I was in one of the happiest places emotionally when this all came to be. I didn't see it coming and I had no notion of how it would affect me so deep down in my core. I suddenly felt like there was something choking me when I sang. I was no longer good enough and I couldn't find "my" voice anymore. I was lost and confused. I wasn't sure I wanted to sing anymore. I'm still not sure.

No apologies have been made and the crushing seems to be a distant memory for most. I've been told to "let it go" or "forget it". I can't and I won't. A huge part of who I thought I was was ripped from my heart. And it cannot be repaired.

I am still seeking my place in the performance world. Maybe one day I will find it again.

Saturday, February 6, 2016


I always think I will write more on my  blog (that nobody reads anyway) but somehow a month has passed and here I am having written absolutely nothing. Sigh. My life is crazy and busy and filled with lots to talk about, but somehow I sit down and it all becomes mundane and boring.

I've recently become friends with an ex. Is that even possible? I've never been successful with that before but this time seems different--almost dangerous, though. Not sure what to make of it, but we've hung out twice now and I have to consciously avoid that simmer of tension (ahem) that I know is there. This is why I do not befriend my exes. I cut the cord and move the hell on. Also, I've gained about 50 pounds since we dated and how can he not notice this? Ugh.

That off my chest, I'll move on to other things in no particular order:
-I think I've lost my mind--recently sent an email to the wrong recipient and it didn't go over well.
I kind of told this person off and insinuated that she sucked banana feet (which she did but I didn't exactly say that, she had to read between the lines).

-I am burned out on my volunteer job and feel unappreciated and as though nobody gives a crap about my feelings anymore. They're probably waiting for the day when the baton is handed to my successor. Believe me, I'm waiting too.

-I'm still fat. Enough said.

I guess that's all. I feel like this blog needs an overhaul. I'll get on that. Oh--and I do NOT feel the Bern. Team Hillary over here.