Thursday, December 24, 2015

Keep your opinion to yourself

Seriously, the old adage "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" really rings true here. Every time....EVERY FUCKING TIME....someone comes to a concert where I perform and has some snide remark about "who chose that music?" or "that composer needs his ears checked". Comments like this have been thrown my way for the last 18 years after every concert. Finally, I snapped. I said "this music is amazing and we love it!" Silence. After a series of breaking confidences, I was told I was over sensitive and should not take it personally. The use of "atonal" was thrown around very nonchalantly and in this case, incorrectly. If you're going to be an assjack, at least use the correct vocabulary.

I hope this person never comes back to a concert again. I will NOT stop being offended by his asshat remarks, nor will I stop telling him his opinions are not welcome unless I specifically ask. Which I won't. Some people really suck.

Then there are those who go over and above to be supportive. I love those people.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Not. I hate this time of year. It's busy. It's crazy. I'm over-scheduled, over tired, over worked, and just generally trying to keep my head above water until the holiday break. Thank goodness (knock on wood) I am not sick right now save a little coughing and snarfling from allergies or whatever. I am grateful for my life and all of the wonderful things in it, but this time of year kicks my purple ass.
I just want it to be done so I can catch a few extra Z's and recharge my batteries.

All of my parents (yes, all of them) are coming to visit starting tomorrow. I have to be happy and jolly while they are here. In between visiting, I have to attend work events, perform in a concert which they have come to hear, and get all of my ducks in a row for the things I need to do. I've bought next to no holiday gifts and have no idea when I will get to that. Oy and vey and I'm too old for this.

Ok enough grousing. I really am grateful for all of my family and friends who support me in my crazy life and never tell me anything but "you'll make it!" and "you can do it!".

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Time flies

Time flies....Even when you're not having fun. But I am having fun. This is the crazy month of December that comes crashing in without warning and suddenly, the calendar seems to have thrown up on itself. So many events and so many chances to paste on the smile and look cheery when all you really want to do is take a long nap. But I subscribe to the "fake it til ya make it" motto. Seriously, it must work because I've been told I'm patient, kind, and thoughtful at a time of year when I feel anything but those things.

Happy Hanukkah! :)

Friday, November 27, 2015

Is "fat" an identity?

I am fat. I've been told in no uncertain terms that I am fat. Is that who I am? Is that the ONLY thing that matters about me? Somehow, no matter what I accomplish, or what talents I have, the only thing that gets counted is that I'm fat. So is fat an identity? Does being fat cancel out everything else in a person's life? If so, that makes me sad.
When someone tells you something over and over, you start to believe it. I believe it now.
I'm fat.

Friday, November 20, 2015

A certain slant of light

No, I did not come up with that title myself--it's from a poem by Emily Dickinson and that's the only line that ever stuck with me. It's something about winter and how the light changes. Anyway, what I'm getting at (or trying to) is that it's that time of year when the light is different and Winter makes its presence known even if it hasn't quite entered the room yet. The early sunset brings a late afternoon dimming to the world, ending in a darkness that begins at about 5:30pm. It feels like midnight and it's barely 7pm.

Besides the light being different, this time of year brings about feelings of endings, closing of chapters, and a general darkness of the mind. It's difficult to explain and it's neither morbid nor scary, just a kind of heaviness that befalls the heart. This seems to be the most ironic time of year--all this holiday cheer coupled with feelings of inadequacy partnered with trying to keep up with the Joneses or whoever lives on your street. Again, not easily explained in words.

If you're confused at this point, so am I, so you're in good company.

Happy (almost) Winter and try to be grateful for what you have. I'm trying.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Brain Drains

I admit it. I need time during the day (and night) for a brain drain. That is, I need time to do things that require little use of brain cells and no deep thought. Tonight I watched a movie on the Lifetime Channel. I know...I know. But I got sucked in and there I was. I watched the whole thing. I hope that some of my brain cells survived the attack. I am now attempting to reactivate them by listening to NPR, which we all know is educational and intellectually stimulating. Unless it's Car Talk, in which case, it's hysterically funny and is probably the cause of many people driving off the road due to laughing so hard they can't see. But I'm not listening to Car Talk now, nor am I driving, so I should be ok.

In my defense, this weekend was hard. This WEEK was hard. Work was crazy, people flew off the handle and I had to reign them in, I may have lost my cool a time or two, but we won't go there, and it all ended in crashing into the weekend with my crazy neighbor saying in the same breath that last year's performance sucked but could she get a ticket for this year? WTF? I'm still reeling from that. I don't know that I will ever recover. It's just weird how people don't have any filter.

Speaking of having a filter, the events in Paris rattled me in a way I haven't been rattled in a long time. My friend is safe (thank goodness!) but it made me realize how fragile the world really is and as we all hashtag Paris, people are dying all over the world every day and nobody gives it a second thought. Bombs explode in Beirut, Gaza, Afghanistan, people flee to what they think will be the promised land, only to find there is no welcome mat at the door. Does anyone hashtag that? No. An island burns in the South Pacific, but I only know that because a friend with ties to the place, posts it on facebook. I feel as though the world will kill itself and nobody will be there to hashtag anything. Maybe it's for the best. We've really f*cked up around here.

I guess that's all for one night. If you're still reading,  I appreciate it. If you stopped, then you don't know how much a simple thank you means to me.

Thank you, dear readers, whoever you are.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015


Gratitude seems so "holier than thou" or preachy sometimes. "Be grateful", people say. "Be happy with what you have and know that you are indeed lucky. All of these things are true--I AM grateful and I AM lucky in more ways than I could ever articulate in a blog. (or ever, for that matter).

Lately, I find myself feeling no joy in a place where I've always found the most happiness and fulfillment. I know without this place, I would be empty and sad. Ironically, I'm empty and sad when I'm there. In doing some major soul-searching, I've come to realize that it's not the "place" or the "people", it's how one experience changed it all for me. It colored my experience of what was once a royal purple and now a pale yellowish cloud. I tell myself there is good here if I just push away the cloud and find the purple again. It's there--it really is. I just have to know where to look. And that means being more grateful and more aware.

I'm not saying I can do this immediately, as I am predisposed to a rather grudge-holding, cynical, glass-half empty kind of outlook, but I will try. And as someone I love once said, "it's all in the trying".

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Post Halloween Bloata

Yes, you read correctly. Bloata. La Bloata--that feeling you get when you ate too much and even though you knew you should have stopped seventeen pounds of disgustifying deliciously wonderful plates ago, you didn't. Because you're a glutton. And now you suffer from LA BLOATA.
*disclaimer* "la bloata" and "disgustifying deliciousness" are not my own expressions. I have "borrowed" them. With permission of course.

Halloween begins the season of eating which goes through Thanksgiving, December and all the way to January 1st. Diets begin January 2nd. I say this because many brunches are had on New Year's Day so there's no point to denying yourself. Every year, I say this time I'll show restraint. And every year I don't. Confessions of a skinny girl trying to escape from a fat ass body.

Happy Holidays, everyone. Eat, drink, and be merry. Or just be.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Lost in a Sea of Self Doubt

Not an original title, but also not an original feeling. So sue me. If you're not turned off by the subject matter or you haven't already thought to yourself "get some therapy", then please keep reading. And as for therapy, I've gotten it. Plenty of it. So thanks for the thought.

Lately, I find myself wondering if I'm swimming in a sea of self doubt, if I'm indeed the fraud I feared I was, or if I'm just human and having a bad hair day. Maybe it's some of the above or all of the above or none of the above. I don't really care, but I hope the feeling goes away. Well, I'd like to remain human, but that's beside the point. Ahem.

Things that were once easy are now a struggle. Holding a grudge has become a career for me. I know it's stupid, but I keep holding on tightly as though it would destroy me to let go. As if I'd be somehow less if I let go. My rational mind, however small and dark a corner it is, tells me I'd be MORE if I let things go. I'd have room for more of who I want to be and less crowding in my head of thoughts of injustices and unfairness. The plight of a constant worrier. Or warrior. Or something.

For a first entry, this is quite long enough. If you're still reading, bravo and congratulations.
I'm going to seek out some purple now.