Monday, October 31, 2016

I'm Nobody

Who are you? I feel like Nobody today. I feel like my efforts to reach out have been unnoticed, disregarded, and gone unanswered. I'm feeling rather invisible. Ironically, I am dressed for Halloween as a person in the witness protection program. Feels rather fitting for my mood. Sigh.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

It's Easier When it's Not Me

Why are things so much clearer when it's not MY situation? Why can I give someone advice that I should probably take myself except that I can't ever remember it when I'm whirling around in my tizzy? Helping others makes me feel so good and then when I share my struggles, people are often flabbergasted that I have them. "But you seem so together", they say. Well...I am. On the outside.
Inside, I'm a boiling mess of anxiety and OCD and other flip outs. Years of "research" and "practice" have helped me learn to cope and most of all to cover it up when necessary. I guess I do a better job than I thought. Go me.

I hope my life ends up meaning something to someone. I so often feel like I'm a blip on the radar of life and have no chance to make a real difference in the world. I do meaningful work and I am passionate about what I do. I yearn to expand upon my work and bring it out further into the world, but I find myself waiting for permission. Why do I need permission? 

In the wise words of Ralph Waldo Emerson:

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

These words always make me think of someone who's crossed over the rainbow bridge, shall we say.  She will always be with me as I go through this adventure I call life. She taught me more than she could ever know. More than I probably know. The yellow background on those words is for her. And these sunflowers are for both of us. Yellow and hopeful looking toward the sun. 

Friday, October 28, 2016

Back to Cleaning

What's your favorite cleaner for the bathroom? I always like bleach because it smells and feels like the definition of disinfected and CLEAN. The bathroom is foul and not my favorite place to clean but I have a serious aversion to a bathroom that isn't sparkling and bleachy smelling.

I did discover that Dawn Dishwashing liquid is the BEST for cleaning the bathtub. OMG it dissolves the gross scum and leaves no residue. Soak your tub with dawn and hot water for about 30 minutes and use a scrub brush (or mop!!) to clean it. It rinses clean and voila!

I love cleaning. My bathroom is clean today.

Monday, October 24, 2016


 Ok, so I stole this from my facebook status but it's still my writing so whatever. Sue me. 
I'm offended because a composer wrote a song with nonsense words with NO pattern and it goes 100mph. And I'm offended because the publisher printed it in tiny letters (like 8 font or something) and left half a page blank "intentionally" as it says in the why the FK couldn't they publish it in READABLE FORM so I could FKING SEE what I can't remember? As for other illegible scores, I will leave that alone for now. But fking ay, give a half blind soprano a break and make the score readable. WTF. And no, I don't care if you think handwritten scores are more "organic" or more " personal" or whatever the fk it was. I can't fking read it so it's useless. And....yes, there's more. I'm offended by this whole election and the way it has made Americans (probably myself included) belligerent, defensive, and divided. I'm offended that the moderators in all debates didn't have enough ahem equipment to turn off the mic when someone was being rude or talking over the other person. And then...(yes, there's even more) I'm offended because when someone asks me for a meeting and I respond with dates & times, they fail to respond. Ever. Really? I'm also offended because I would not like to "use my tools and coping skills". I would like an increase in medication. Thank you. I think that was all but if I remember anything else (fking old ass brain can't remember anything anymore) I'll add it in.
And if anyone is offended by this rant, then please just unfollow me. Seriously. I have no time to defend myself and I will not entertain people's patronizing comments about how it could be hurtful to express yourself in this way. 

The last disclaimer is there because I have, in the past been admonished and handed my ass for putting my own opinion on facebook (or anywhere else). Apparently, some people think the world is all about them. Or someone they know. And they don't stop to consider that I have a life outside of them and some small circle of people. I did them a favor (after telling them off, of course!) and put them in a list where they hardly see any of my postings. And guess what? No more calling me out. Interesting how that works. And bite me.

Saturday, October 22, 2016


Need I say more about the past few weeks? I thought not. And actually, I'll just take the vodka and the valium. And I'll make my own damn coffee because I like it black and strong. The kind of coffee where the spoon stands up by itself and it kind of resembles motor oil. The kind of coffee that scares people. That's what I drink. And fill the cup to the top. 

So yeah, I've had a roller coaster of a time here. Anxiety and craziness all globbed up (yeah, I know that's not a word, so sue me) together has rattled even my safest corner in my routines. I need to get it together here. GYST I tell myself. (Get your Sh*t Together) I wrote it in my music recently. How can a person screw up the same thing over and over? REALLY? I have a fking degree in music and I can't sing a 3/8 measure properly. Ok, so it has a tie from the previous measure and the syllabification sucks, but still. So now you know why I included the lovely quote above. 

Have a very purple day. Dammit.

Friday, October 21, 2016

impossible dreams, meltdowns, and trying to be perfect

It's a tough life when you're type A, perfectionist, trying to be perfect while all the time knowing it's impossible, but dammit, you're gonna try if it kills you. I'm having a rough week and very thankful for gin. I love my big blue bottle of Bombay Sapphire. I may or may not be under its influence right now. Ahem. 

Anyway, it's hard when you try to stick to routines, feel guilty because your routines are more important than the things you should have actually done that day but you told yourself they can wait until next week because keeping up with the routines is always more important. What? I don't even understand that. But be that as it may, it's how I've lived over the last 2 weeks. My priorities are fked up. I'm convinced that staying on top of my cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, bill paying, is more important than  That's an issue. I need to resolve it next week. I have no choice and I know that. And I'm panicking. Of course. 

Major meltdown ensued a few days ago to the point where I was paralyzed in my car sobbing uncontrollably. I can't tell you why. It took me about 4 days to get over it and I'm now trying to dust myself off and not feel like I've accomplished nothing in the last few days. Some surprises happened (good ones!) so there's that. I don't suck at singing after all. Or at least for now.

This ^^

Here's to trying to do better next week. Happy Friday, y'all. Yes, I just said "ya'll". Fun fact: I lived in North Carolina for 4 years.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Forgiving and forgetting

Forgiving and forgetting are very different things. Yes, I can forgive someone but I may not ever forget what they did or said. I am at a point where I see no end to the phony, fake, pasted on smiles that surround me. Maybe they've forgiven me but they can't forget either. People I thought I trusted are no longer real friends. Apologies have not been accepted and I don't know why. I need to move on and find new friends. It's strange to be lonely yet not alone.

I started this blog as a way of sharing ideas about my type A journey through life and my routines that always keep me safe. Now I feel like I've veered from the path, which makes me insane because I feel like a failure. I need to stop this entry. And if anyone has a new (preferably positive) attitude to lend me, please let me know. I need size huge.

Have a great day. If possible.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Something Different

I am so angry, I could scream. How could someone be so callous and unkind? I have been nothing but supportive and hard working for almost 20 years and this is the thanks I get. I can't stand it when someone says "I didn't know". That's just evidence that you weren't paying attention. You DID know and you didn't care. 

Monday, October 10, 2016

Back to Reality and Routines

It's over--the fun is over and here I am back to reality (work) and routines. I was somewhat on edge while trying to have fun (welcome to the world of a type A slightly OCD person) but I did have a great time away from my everyday life. I am, however, trying to slip back into my regular routine with some difficulty. Ironic, since I thrive on routines, plans, and knowing what comes next. Yet, I do confess even though I arrived home at midnight, all of the bags were unpacked and everything was put away. Had I had quarters (or my personal laundry machines) the laundry would have been done before bed. Yes, I'm that person. I had to settle for all of it being put into the laundry basket for another day. At least I went to sleep with everything in place. And laundry day is Thursday anyway. :)

I think I have extra anxiety due to external factors but I keep telling myself that sticking to routines day in and day out will always help me. Even when I want to crawl under the covers.

What do you do when you don't want to do anything? DO IT ANYWAY.

So I'm going to jump in feet first and go for it. It will all be good in the end.