Codependent friends

I love my friends. I love them for their kindness, their big hearts, the laughter they bring me, the comfort they give me, their generosity, and their wonderful ways. I love them for their flaws, their warts, their shortcomings, and I am lucky they love me the same way. I'm not perfect, nor am I always the easiest person to be around. I am stubborn. I am VERY type A. I am sometimes impatient and sometimes I say the wrong things. 

I try to be a good friend and even when things get difficult, I don't want to abandon anyone. But sometimes it's hard. Nobody said friendships (or any relationships) would be easy. It's a rocky road and with a few exceptions, it's worth it. Here's where it gets sticky. I am stalling because I feel that putting it in writing makes me a less kind person than I want to be. I'll just jump into the deep end and say it. Codependent friends wear me out. There I said it. I think I'll go hide under a rock now.

As soon as I come out from under the rock, I'll say that I don't dislike my codependent friends. I want the best for them and I try to help them. I listen with an open heart and I try not to give unsolicited advice--after all, sometimes we don't want anyone to "fix" it, we simply want to be heard. If I am asked for advice, I will give it. I believe it's ok to take time for yourself and not to worry constantly about pleasing others. We are not obligated to put others' happiness before our own. We are not obligated to put ourselves in a place of misery and sadness just to ensure that others are content. The truth is, that others would most likely be just as happy if not happier to know that we do things for ourselves that fill us up--that make us feel whole. 

What frustrates me even more is that these friends are so sad. I see and feel their sadness, their emptiness, and their loneliness. One can certainly be lonely yet not alone. No matter what I suggest, there's always a "yeah but". I guess that's part of the codependency pattern. The "yeah but" is connected to being afraid to disappoint someone by making a choice that makes you happy. No matter how many ways I try to explain that we can have "both and", these people are unable to process that for they are entrenched in this thought process of "if I do something for myself, it's selfish and others will be disappointed or unhappy". 

I know it's not true, but sometimes I feel like yelling and saying "if you're not willing to try and change, then stop complaining." That's probably not fair. Or kind. Sigh.

When I come out from under my rock, I'll say all of this. Until then, I'll just hide and put off seeing these people because every time I do, I feel bad. 

Do you ever dream bigger than you can define?

Lately I have been thinking about my career. I love what I do, but there's something missing. I have a dream, but I don't know how to define it. That's so weird because usually, I would say, well if you cannot define it, then you don't know what it is. But I do know what it is. Maybe I should say I don't know what to call it. I want to do what I'm doing either on a larger more meaningful scale, or in a way that hasn't been done before. I want to do things like write, speak, present, mentor, consult, teach. I want to use everything I have learned in my career and do those things. What is that even called? How do I make that a career? I'm reaching that age where it's either time to settle in and accept that this is my life, which isn't really a bad thing, or step out of my comfort zone and move on to bigger things. I have the experience, the knowledge, and finally the confidence! Ok, maybe not ALL the confidence because I still haven't gone out there and figured out wtf I can do to make all of this a reality. 

I feel this longing to reach new heights and connect with more people. I want to be able to network, attend conferences with likeminded people and people who can teach me things I never knew I wanted to learn. Again, the question....how do I get there? How do I do that? Do I "just do it" as Nike says? I've always been careful--too careful and when I look back I wonder if I missed out on great opportunities because I was too cautious. I don't know but living a life of "what ifs" isn't productive. I need to focus on what I am going to do--what I'm doing to do NOW. I just need to figure that out. 

If you have any suggestions, let me know. Does anyone even read this? I started out as a "I love routines" blog and somehow morphed into "what is my life and other random musings". Then I transferred some other blog entries from an old site (don't ask) and they're out of order, which if you read from the beginning, makes me insane. 

On that note, I'll leave you to ponder what I've said here.
Until next time....

It hurts my heart

Why is it that one small thing can stab me in the heart and seemingly nullify all the good of the last week or so? Why don't people have the guts to confront others in the moment when they feel they've been wronged? A week later and I don't even remember enough to be able to apologize more than by just saying I'm sorry for offending you. I don't even know what I did. I don't remember saying or doing what you claim I did. How can that be that I have no idea what happened and the other person is CERTAIN I spewed out a hateful remark. Sigh. I try to live by the adage "sometimes it's better to be happy than to be right". It's hard when I constantly find myself letting the other person be right. That should leave me being happy? I don't know anymore. I do the best I can and it seems I fall short too many times.

So much for all that therapy and groups I attended over the years. I thought I had learned coping skills and become more mindful of my feelings and those of others. Apparently, I haven't changed. I still find out (after the fact!) that I've fallen short of my expectations and others' of me. The thing that hurts the most is that someone would think so little of me to say that I would say or do something so incredibly hateful. Do they really think that? Have I put on a face of evil that the world sees instead of the kind, generous, helpful person I thought I was? 

Once again, I sit here feeling like a failure. I thought I raised my self-esteem but now I have to dig out of the dirt again.

A New Year, A New Start

Where has the time gone? It's January 1, 2019. How long will it take me to remember to write that on checks, contracts, etc? 

Every January 1, I feel a sense of excitement and dread. Excitement that it's a time to start fresh, start new habits, improve myself, and be more intentional in everything I do. Dread because time flies and forces me to face my mortality as well as that of my parents and friends. But let us focus on the good.

I am working on having achievable goals. I know that breaking things down into small pieces ensures success. I am going to work diligently on doing just that. I want to feel successful and instead of making lofty goals that are too big to face at once, thus making me feel like a failure after a week, I will break down those goals into small chunks that are bound to be successful. I also want to practice what I preach which is that just because I didn't achieve a goal, it doesn't mean I failed. I start again from where I left off (note I did not say from the beginning). 

Goals for January
Stay on budget for eating out ($40/mo)
Put $50 more into savings than last month ($12.50/wk)
Lose 8 pounds (2 pounds a week)
1 day a week without dairy