Codependent friends

I love my friends. I love them for their kindness, their big hearts, the laughter they bring me, the comfort they give me, their generosity, and their wonderful ways. I love them for their flaws, their warts, their shortcomings, and I am lucky they love me the same way. I'm not perfect, nor am I always the easiest person to be around. I am stubborn. I am VERY type A. I am sometimes impatient and sometimes I say the wrong things. 

I try to be a good friend and even when things get difficult, I don't want to abandon anyone. But sometimes it's hard. Nobody said friendships (or any relationships) would be easy. It's a rocky road and with a few exceptions, it's worth it. Here's where it gets sticky. I am stalling because I feel that putting it in writing makes me a less kind person than I want to be. I'll just jump into the deep end and say it. Codependent friends wear me out. There I said it. I think I'll go hide under a rock now.

As soon as I come out from under the rock, I'll say that I don't dislike my codependent friends. I want the best for them and I try to help them. I listen with an open heart and I try not to give unsolicited advice--after all, sometimes we don't want anyone to "fix" it, we simply want to be heard. If I am asked for advice, I will give it. I believe it's ok to take time for yourself and not to worry constantly about pleasing others. We are not obligated to put others' happiness before our own. We are not obligated to put ourselves in a place of misery and sadness just to ensure that others are content. The truth is, that others would most likely be just as happy if not happier to know that we do things for ourselves that fill us up--that make us feel whole. 

What frustrates me even more is that these friends are so sad. I see and feel their sadness, their emptiness, and their loneliness. One can certainly be lonely yet not alone. No matter what I suggest, there's always a "yeah but". I guess that's part of the codependency pattern. The "yeah but" is connected to being afraid to disappoint someone by making a choice that makes you happy. No matter how many ways I try to explain that we can have "both and", these people are unable to process that for they are entrenched in this thought process of "if I do something for myself, it's selfish and others will be disappointed or unhappy". 

I know it's not true, but sometimes I feel like yelling and saying "if you're not willing to try and change, then stop complaining." That's probably not fair. Or kind. Sigh.

When I come out from under my rock, I'll say all of this. Until then, I'll just hide and put off seeing these people because every time I do, I feel bad.