Rant: YouNow

Ok, this is WAY off topic for this blog, but bear with me. I need to rant about something. WHAT IN THE ENTIRE FK IS YOUNOW? I feel as though it's a copout for YouTubers so they don't have to make real videos. 99% of them are watching the YouTuber read comments and respond to them. They often don't even say what the comment is. They thank people for "bars" whatever those are, and then try to say "thank you" in different languages. It's totally cringy. I mean it's not DONKAH SHAY or merSEE, And "de nada" is you're welcome or it was nothing. Stupid uninformed people. At least do some research if you're going to try to speak other languages. I feel like I'm watching someone just sitting in their house hanging out with their friends doing nothing. Some have long pauses where the person doesn't even speak. I don't get it. I'd rather watch a real vlog on YouTube where the person has put together thoughtful content and has something meaningful to say. I even enjoy watching people vlog their ordinary days. It's like a window into their lives. YouNow is a long drawn out non-conversation that has nothing to say. But what do I know? I'm just a blogger with barely any content that's worth reading.

Do You Ever Feel Like a Fraud?

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I mean, I do my job fairly well and I come across as someone who's got it all together and knows what she's doing. But sometimes I stop, look around, a think "omg, I'm really not doing all I could and what I am doing isn't what people think it is". Maybe it's my own insecurity or maybe I could try harder. I think the crux of the matter is that most people only see the outside of me. They don't see inside where I live every day in my perfectionist world. My almost OCD world. My anxious world. They don't see it because I've become a master (mistress?) at hiding it--at least in public. It's a lot of work to hide your real self. It's exhausting, in fact. 

But I know from experience that we shouldn't give up and we are our own worst critics. I've done more than I ever dreamed I would do so I must be doing *something* right. I think. Sigh.

Is it just me or do other people feel like they're a fraud too? I don't know. But if you're reading this, please tell me your story.

Eye opening epiphany (sort of)

Recently I realized I had no earthly idea how much I really eat. I thought since I was eating (mostly) healthy foods and exercising regularly, that I should be losing weight. It wasn't the case. The scale has not budged for a year. Very frustrating. I started doing something I always knew was a good idea but never really bothered to do. It kind of tags along with meal prep. It's dividing large bags/boxes of things into portions that I put into containers be it zip locks or plastic tupperware type things. For instance, I had a giant bag of popcorn. I could easily have eaten the entire thing (and probably have on many occasions). However, this time I looked at how many servings there were in the bag. Sixteen. SIXTEEN! OMG.... and each serving was 140 calories. Ummm...yikes. I looked at the size of the bag, befuddled at how it could possibly be sixteen servings. They must mean to eat one kernel or something. So I did an experiment. I took a measuring cup and put the portions into zip locks. Sure enough, it was 16 bags. They took up my entire counter space. (ok, I have a tiny kitchen but still). When I looked at it that way, I realized that was A LOT of popcorn. Suddenly it gave me perspective. And I only ate one serving and was fine with it. I have since done it with cereal and some other munchies I tend to get into when I shouldn't. Nothing too terrible but too much and it's akin to eating a bag of chips. The cruz of the matter is that when you portion out the entire box or bag or whatever it is, you can see it's so much more than you really thought. And you are less apt to eat it all in one sitting. I'm hoping this helps me. Fingers crossed.

The grass is always greener

As I peer over the proverbial fence of life, it seems more often than not, the grass is greener on the other side. I see other people's accomplishments and suddenly mine seem pale in comparison and sometimes not even remotely worthy. I see other people's lives on facebook, instagram, and other social media and they're richer, thinner, more successful. The thing is these are snippets of people's lives--not the REAL life. Perhaps people peer over their fences and my life seems all sparkles and glitter to them. One never knows. It's not something anyone would admit. I know my life is good and I have much for which to be grateful. I guess we all need a reminder every now and then. And maybe we should stop peering over fences and looking around our own yard to see the beauty that's here.

Off topic: YouTubers who respond to "hate" comments

Why do YouTubers (or anyone on social media) respond to "hate" comments? They must spend hours upon hours to
screen-shot the comments not to mention poring through comments to find the "best" ones. I can't understand why anyone would waste their energy on that--especially those who promote spreading love and positivity. Seems hypocritical to me. But I don't know them and I'm not a YouTuber so maybe I just don't get it. I recently watched 2 videos in which the people ranted about or actually read comments which they showed on their videos (as if people couldn't see them already?). It disturbs me because both of these people claim to be positive and loving. 

I've been called names, been threatened, and been made to feel small so much that I no longer comment. I'm almost scared to watch anymore. I still have my favorite channels, most of which include cleaning and organizing tips and mental health.

I'll leave this quote here as a reminder to myself and others that forgiveness is healthy. You don't have to forget, but forgiving will free your soul more than you know.

Meal Prep

Does anyone out there meal prep? By meal prep, I mean make food and put in it single portion containers for ready to heat up meals. I've found this to be particularly helpful because if it's already made, I will eat it. I hate cooking but this way I only have to cook once and I eat 3 or even 4 times depending on what I've made. This week I made rice and added black beans, onions, corn, and some shredded cheese. I'll top it with salsa or perhaps some crushed tortilla chips. On the side, I have broccoli and carrots. Voila---3 lunches and or dinners fully prepared with REAL food. I vary my meals each week and since I don't make enough for more than 3-4 meals, I of course, have to figure out what to eat for the rest of the day. That said, it helps SO MUCH. Sometimes I wonder if I could make meals for an entire week this way. Of course that brings out the OCD side of me that doesn't want to eat food that's more than 3 days old. Don't ask.

I've added this to my routines and usuallyI do it on Sundays. Today I did it and it's Saturday. I must say I paused before making the meal thinking it means it will all be a day older than I really want it to be. I think in reality it means, I'll just have to fend for myself sooner in the week. Sometimes I need to get over myself and realize things will all work out. I'm not good at that.

I was also hoping meal prepping would help me on my way to losing some unwanted weight. Being "of a certain age" means losing weight isn't always easy but gaining it sure is! *Unfair* I exercise daily (also routine) and I try to make good choices for my food. I sometimes fail at that, but at least I make an effort. 

We shall see if this addition to my routine makes a difference. Time will tell.

When Your World is Interrupted

I feel guilty for writing this. I have a deep seated fear someone will find this blog entry and think it's about them. It's not. Not really. Having people stay with me is difficult. Not because they're here, but because they have stuff. Lots of stuff. And I have nowhere for them to put it. So my world gets turned upside down because try as they might to consolidate their belongings, they are still in my line of sight. There's nothing to be done about it. It's not their fault and it's not mine. It's the fact that I have a small dwelling not really suited for overnight guests--especially not for more than one night.

I have a need--a compulsion to clean every day. I need that routine of keeping things in order. It's hard to do when another person is in my space. They make messes (and I don't mean on purpose) but it seems there's double the dirt when it's more than just me here. I get the heebie jeebies when I have to share a bathroom. Yes, I'm crazy. I know the guests are clean but somehow I feel as though I need to bleach out the bathroom every time someone else uses it. Like they have cooties or something. I know--I'm ridiculous and weird. 

Once my guest leaves, I immediately start my cleaning frenzy--everything and everywhere must be cleaned up and straightened out. Even if it wasn't used or is already cleaned. I hate that I am this way, but I just am. I guess it's ok because I never tell my guests they turn my world upside down. I enjoy having them here and feel honored when they actually want to stay with me despite my small living quarters. So I'm conflicted. 

Flex Hours and working at home

For the past 2 years, my main job affords me flex hours and I work at home. I've learned a lot from this. I am more relaxed when I know I just have to get the work done and there's no time frame during which I need to do it. I can work during my best, most productive working hours and not only am I happier, but the work is of much higher quality than it might be if I were forced to do it within a specific time frame or on days when I'm not feeling up to par. Yes, I have other jobs outside of the home, and yes, I do have to do part of my main job outside of the home as well. But all in all, I am more productive and feeling more successful.  

In addition to feeling and being more productive, my apartment is cleaner, neater, and more organized. I never have to spend hours cleaning because I've been out all week and only home to sleep. I can multi-task as well. For instance, I can do my laundry while working on a project. I can have a phone meeting while driving to meet a friend. I can also work anywhere--bonus if there's a wifi connection, but I can get work done in a coffee shop, a library, or even while visiting friends and family out of state. 

I am very lucky to have a job such as this one. It's very fitting for my circadian rhythms which make me a night owl and not a morning person. It challenges my Type A personality sometimes because my schedule is never the same twice in a row and can change at a moment's notice. I've learned that those are small prices to pay for the life I have now. By no means, do I live a perfect life, but I'm much happier than I was while teaching 20+ classes a week, having evening commitments, and just trying to keep my head above water. 

I am grateful. 

Corraggio!

Courage. I sometimes have to muster up the courage to say things. I have a difficult conversation coming soon and I've finally decided I can do this. I might cry, but nobody will die and it will all be fine in the end. I think. It is with great trepidation that I need to tell someone that I can no longer help in the way I've been helping for so many years. I know I will be letter that person down as well as the group of people this decision affects. I'm torn but I'm also tattered. Sometimes it's good to take care of ourselves and although we feel we are disappointing others, it's better in the long run because we can recharge our batteries and come back refreshed later on. This is me trying to convince myself it's all going to be ok. Sigh.
I hate letting people down--or even feeling like I'm letting people down. Most of all, I hate letting myself down and in this particular situation, I feel that no matter what I do, I'm letting myself down. If I continue, I let myself down by doing too much. If I stop, I let myself down because I feel like a failure. Why can't it just be easy? Why am I so sensitive? Ack.

I will have courage. I will do this. I'll let you know how it turns out. 

It's good to have plans

It's good to have plans. A friend of mine said that and it stuck. Although it started out as somewhat of a joke, it became my mantra. I'm a planner. I plan everything from what time I need to get up in order to exercise, shower, dress, do my hair and makeup, caffeinate myself appropriately so I don't get arrested...or worse(!!!), and get out the door on time or early to when I'm going grocery shopping and doing laundry. I like having a plan for every day and every moment. It keeps me grounded and keeps me motivated. I do admit, however, that sometimes a long list can be overwhelming. I try to break it down into smaller parts so as well as prioritize the tasks in case I can't get everything done. If there's something I can put off until tomorrow without having a complete meltdown (I told you I was Type A), then I'll do it. 

In addition to having a calendar with my plans for each day, I am a list-maker. I like to make my lists in order of priority and also sometimes even with exact times of day. For instance my morning routine looks something like this:

6:15 get up
6:20-7:20 exercise
7:20-8:00 shower, dress, hair, & makeup
8:00-8:05 make bed and straighten up room.
8:05-8:45 coffee, breakfast, check email, social media
9:00 leave for work (the 15 minutes before are spent gathering everything I need to bring with me and finding my shoes. Yes, finding my shoes is a big thing. Even for me.)

If it's a work at home day, I would include my cleaning routine for that day right after breakfast. Also included is washing all dishes and putting them away. 

On Thursdays I do laundry. I usually work at home that day, so in it goes in the morning while I'm doing my cleaning routine and starting my work. If I have to work outside the home on Thursday, I do laundry Wednesday afternoon or evening after work. I give myself credit for being that flexible. Ahem.
All laundry is washed, dried, folded, and put away immediately.

On Friday, I go grocery shopping. This usually happens after I've completed my cleaning routine for the day. Fridays are also often a work at home day so this affords me flexibility.

That's the skeleton of how I keep my life running (sort of) smoothly. Perhaps I can go into more detail in the next installment. Until then, dear readers (if there are any!), enjoy whatever you're doing, wherever you are.

Have a very purple day!

Saying Goodbye

When someone dies, there's a hole in the place in your life where they used to be. It never goes away and it never gets easier. It gets different. Recently, a new hole came into my life. 
I feel as though I'm too young to have lost as many people as I have. Over the last several years, holes have formed where people in my life once stood. It's a weird feeling--inexplicable to say the least. Unsettling, unnerving, and deeply saddening would be a few ways to describe this awful void.
Today I officially say goodbye. I'm trying to think of how to say goodbye without it's feeling like it's forever...only it is. The curtain is closed, then removed to reveal a hole. A hole of nothingness. 
Over and out.
Caidil gu la laddie...sleep the dark away.
Rest in peace, my good friend.