Sunday, July 30, 2017


If you have anxiety, these statements will resonate with you. If you know someone with anxiety, you may understand some of them or maybe even all of them. If you don't know anything about anxiety but want to learn, here's your chance. I watched a video (linked below) which really struck a chord. I have friends who completely understand and would never say these things. I also know well-meaning people who have said these things to me and it always makes me feel bad. I never have the right response but I would like to form one. If you have any advice, please leave it in the comments.

Things that don't help a person with anxiety: (for a more complete explanation of each, please watch the video)

1. Telling us to calm down.
2. Why are you freaking out?
3. There are worse things happening in the world.
4. I know exactly how you feel. I get nervous too.
5. Everything's going to be fine.
6. You're just lazy.
7. You're just over-thinking things.
8.You can't control it, so stop worrying.
9. I wish you wouldn't worry so much.
10. Force yourself to do it and face your fears.

I have one to add: You're a smart person. You know this isn't right/real/worth worrying about/helpful.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

My Civic Duty -- Part 2

I didn't beat the odds at first. I sat in a jury box and was grilled for a few hours along with 17 other people. I heard many stories that broke my heart as the subject matter brought back so many memories with which I wasn't at all prepared to deal. Holding back tears from the very first announcement about what this case was, I felt sick. A feeling in the pit of my stomach made me want to scream, cry, shake, or all of the above. I now feared more than ever that I would be chosen to serve on this jury. I knew I could never be unbiased. I knew this person was guilty and I hated him for what he had done. 

While he showed absolutely no emotion while the questioning went on, I wondered how any person with any shred of a heart, could keep their composure. He was completely without remorse. With a pounding heart and anger in my voice, I stood my ground about how I felt. I never swayed from my opinion. I was adamant that I could never be unbiased in this kind of case.

I was excused at the end of the day. I felt a slight twinge of guilt as though I had done something wrong. I had only told the truth--and it was harrowing to have to talk about some of those things. I got in my car and immediately bawled. I called my friend and almost breathlessly told her about my day. It took a long time before I could shake off this experience. I'm not sure I have completely, nor am I certain I will ever forget it.

My heart breaks.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

My Civic Duty? (controversial)

I know it's my "civic duty" to do jury duty. However, I am highly skeptical that anyone can be unbiased --I know I can't. Also, I think it's a crock of donkey shoes to have a random group of people who may or may not understand anything about the law or the testimony, deciding someone's fate. It leads to jury nullification and/or verdicts that are delivered from emotions and not facts.
I think there should be professional jurors whose job it is to understand the law and how trials go. I think these professionals should serve on juries as trained jurors who have learned how to keep their emotions out of it and how to REALLY listen to the testimony and abide by the law of "beyond reasonable doubt". I know that I cannot do that. I have strong opinions and I am not swayed. I believe a person is guilty if he or she has committed a crime and would not be arrested for nothing. If they're arrested, it's for a reason and that means they're guilty as hell. I think crime rates would lower if people knew there were no loopholes and no technicalities to get them a veritable slap on the wrist instead of jail time. As they say, you do the crime, you do the time. 

Having friends and family in law enforcement and as lawyers, all tell me that a jury is a hindrance rather than a help. Their lack of understanding frustrates the lawyers and makes for a more difficult trial than would otherwise happen if it were just lawyers or as I said PROFESSIONAL jurors. And what the f*ck with calling in again and again? Seriously? So I have to constantly arrange my life around the time I'm assigned to call in? What the fecking sh*t is this? UGH

I always hope to beat the system, but I'm not holding my breath. Honestly, I don't think I'd make a good juror so I hope they see that and excuse me. Anxiety abounds and panic is setting in. Hopefully, I will look back on this and laugh. Until then, I'll be breathing into a paper bag.

Friday, July 21, 2017


I've never known true happiness. Until recently, I thought true happiness was an impossible dream. It's not at all! It comes in a bottle and it's 300 milligrams daily. I won't tell you what it is, but I will tell you that it's a miracle. I am finally me. I don't remember the last time I felt so REAL and not mired down in anxiety and panic and worry. I won't say that I never worry or feel irrationally afraid, but the past few months have been eye-opening. I am happy now.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

On Trying to be Perfect

So often we try to be perfect. All too often and usually always, we fail. Perfection is a dream--an impossible dream that nobody can achieve. But that doesn't stop us from reaching for it. Desperately reaching into the void for some shred of the magic of whatever we believe is perfect.
when we fail, we beat ourselves up until we vow to try harder. The cycle repeats unrelenting and unforgiving just as we are with ourselves.

After a long climb out of the darkness, I finally feel human again. I feel "balanced" and I do not fear the sudden loss of emotional control. With that said, I still see my imperfections and want to correct them, especially now that I've come this far. I'm not saying my moods are perfect, but in comparison to the hell I lived, this is paradise. Except for one thing. I need to change that one nagging thing. I need to turn it around and make it as close to perfect as humanly possible. I don't know how long it will take or if I will ever get there, but I will never stop trying.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Feeling Guilty

I feel guilty. I'm doing nothing wrong but I feel guilty. I have a job that pays me year round. The only thing is that there is little or nothing to do in July. I feel like I should be doing SOMETHING for that paycheck. I'm desperately looking for things to do but I come up empty every time. It's not my fault if the district is closed and I can't get the info I need to do my work. My boss knows it and since I work my tail off all the time, she probably doesn't care if I don't do much during this particular month. But....I feel guilty. It's weird. I'm so glad to have the time off (sort of) and sharpen up my routines, get myself ready for the craziness that hits in August, and to enjoy friends and family. know the rest.

Type A personality trying to live in a not so Type A world. It's a challenge.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Making routines work as you get ready to go away

I hardly ever get to go on vacation, but I do occasionally visit my family and friends for a few days at a time. Typically, this occurs on weekends but sometimes spills over into the week. If you have been reading this blog, you know how I am about cleaning, organizing, and routines for everything. Before I leave for anywhere, I make sure to have a clean house--everything put away, dishes washed and put away,  laundry done, sheets and towels replaced so they're clean when I return, trash out, plants watered,  and everything in its place. I love the feeling of coming home to a clean home.

This sounds like a daunting task. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. First I consider the days I will be gone. Say, Monday-Thursday. Since I grocery shop on Fridays, I would probably skip the one before I leave and make sure to eat all the perishables. I always have enough to get me through the weekend.
If I've done my cleaning routine well, I will just have to give the place a once over on Sunday before I leave. I always clean the bathroom and take the trash out last right before I leave. I also vacuum to make sure any crumbs of the weekend are gone before I come back.

If I'm staying someplace where I can do my laundry, I will do so on Thursday (laundry day) and come home with clean clothes. Then I'm ready to go grocery shopping on Friday as usual. It makes me feel better to know that even when I'm not home, my place is clean, clutter free, and I can begin my routine without having to scramble to get things done I should have done during the days I was gone.

I hope this makes sense. I wrote another blog about sticking to routines when you are going away half way through the week and you don't want to come home to a messy house. The crux of it was that I could start my routine on the weekend before (as in make Saturday my "monday" and work up to the 5th day before I leave) So have no fear--you CAN complete your cleaning routine and come home to a lovely clean home no matter what days you will be gone. And you don't have to double up on anything or spend hours cleaning on one day. With some creative thinking and problem solving, you'll leave happy and come home even happier.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Keeping only what you need and love

This is a work in progress. It's always so hard to part with certain items even if you find yourself never using them, never wearing them, or they just sit in a box or drawer never to be seen.
At first this seems a daunting task to think of everything you own and what you should give away, donate, or keep. (or toss out). One thing that helped me is to separate your belongings into categories. Go through your dishes. Do you use them all? Do you love them all? If not, consider giving them away or donating them to a charity. Someone will love them and use them not to mention be grateful for being able to get them. The same method applies to other things you own. Clothing, cosmetics, linens, towels, anything you seem to accumulate.
It's harder than advertised, but it's possible. I'm making progress. I've parted with many dishes and after giving them away, I don't miss them. I covet the extra space I now have where once they were stored.

Let me know what works for you. Maybe we can all benefit from each other!
Until next time, enjoy the purple in the world. :)