I never wanted to be a professional singer. I knew that the competition would wear me out mentally and physically and I simply wasn't interested in making music to be "better" than someone else. I wanted to teach and so I did. But there was a part of me that wanted to sing too. I found my place in this most wonderful choir where I discovered I had a voice that people wanted to hear--that deserved to be heard. I grew and my confidence came with every new song I sang. I had finally found my little place of happiness in the performing world. It was a lot of work and a lot of trusting (I'm not good at that) but it was well worth it. I felt happy about where I was--I wasn't going to the Met, but I was singing as well as I could and happy with what I had. Suddenly, it was taken away from me and I didn't even realize it until later.
A crushing rejection was the beginning of my defeat. I was in one of the happiest places emotionally when this all came to be. I didn't see it coming and I had no notion of how it would affect me so deep down in my core. I suddenly felt like there was something choking me when I sang. I was no longer good enough and I couldn't find "my" voice anymore. I was lost and confused. I wasn't sure I wanted to sing anymore. I'm still not sure.
No apologies have been made and the crushing seems to be a distant memory for most. I've been told to "let it go" or "forget it". I can't and I won't. A huge part of who I thought I was was ripped from my heart. And it cannot be repaired.
I am still seeking my place in the performance world. Maybe one day I will find it again.
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