I was enjoying a really wonderful weekend and all of a sudden I got the sense that one person in the part was subtly trying to dictate everything we were going to do. By subtly, I mean, "Well let's sit down at look at this brochure I've been reading. I'm thinking about a few places I'd like to see" Sounds all well and good, right? Not really. This person asks for opinions but really only wants one person's answer and then says....well whatever, I trust your judgement. Only not really. So finally, I stop talking and keep to myself knowing that whatever we do will be fun anyway. Again I'm asked about something so I answer with whatever you want because every time I suggest something, it seems to get shot down. I'm fine with whatever you want to do. The result? I get blown off and this other person whom she wants approval from, is designated the decision maker. Seriously? We could go around in circles for days and never get out of the hotel lobby.
Later, I make a joke (and it was obvious as I was laughing and smiling when I said it) and this person jumped down my throat telling me "don't scold that person. Don't scold." I looked shocked and said "I was joking. I wouldn't do that" This was followed by backpedaling of how this person cannot read me, doesn't know how people are "out here", and was confused. I retorted and assured this person that I was not and never would scold anyone for that kind of thing. This person somehow got into a tailspin and YELLING said "I'm apologizing, just accept my apology!" Only the person never used the words "I'm sorry" or even "sorry". I looked the person straight in the eye (even though they could barely make eye contact), and said I would never do anything like that--You know me better than that. Stumped, the person said, Oh I guess I should. YES YOU SHOULD! (and yes, I'm yelling because that's how it was in my head).
Sometimes this happens with this same person in varied situations and I can't figure out if they're misunderstandings or misjudgments. I mean, does this person REALLY judge me so harshly? Does this person think I'm a horrible piece of dirt? Or is it really misunderstanding on both parts--the person doesn't quite get my sense of humor and maybe I misread this person's comments as scolding ME. After all, when I confronted the person about being shot down about ideas, the person said, oh don't read it that way. That's not it at all. And don't complain. Ummm...I'm not the one complaining every 2 minutes about wanting to stop and take photos, or wishing we could eat at a scenic place, or are we going to do anything more "scenic" than this?
I guess it goes both ways and we've never quite worked this out. It gets shoved under the rug and we change the subject, suddenly being civil again. But there's always the next moment when I am blindsided by some weird comment. I strive to be a good person--a kind person and to be generous of heart. Sometimes when I'm challenged, I doubt myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I try my best. And I always try to be sure that everyone has a voice and we all agree on what we want to do even if it's not exactly what I wanted. We come to an agreement and we go along happily. WITHOUT COMPLAINING. Which is what I did all weekend. Oh well.
I always think next time will be better. And it's not.