Monday, April 14, 2014
ages and stages
It's been a year and a half since I last saw Dr. Happy. I have gone through many feelings and emotions ranging from relief to extreme anger. I was stubborn and I didn't want to work hard anymore. I had checked out long before I left for good. I knew that then and I REALLY know that now. Hindsight...yeah. I was angry because I wasn't "cured" and I was angry because I thought she didn't care. I stopped believing in myself and as a result, she stopped believing in me. The last session was very bland. No fireworks, no big emotions, just disappearing out the door knowing I was on my own. I was both relieved and terrified and sort of insulted. One of the last questions she asked me was"what will you do when you get in trouble?" Wait...WHEN?! WTF. Isn't she supposed to reassure me that everything is going to be ok? And that I'm ready to fly out into the world on my own? Instead of answering "well, I won't be calling YOU", I mumbled something about "I don't know, I guess I'll be fine". But I got angrier every time I recalled that question. Seriously? She had NO faith in me. Not that I had any faith in myself, but wasn't that her JOB to have faith in me? Maybe not. Maybe I sucked all the oxygen out of the air and left her feeling half dead like I felt every time I left my sessions. I'll never know and I'm pretty sure she will never care. In fact, my angry side thinks she never did care in the first place. At all. Maybe I wasted years of my life believing in something that was never there to begin with. Ugh. If I had to do it again, I think I would have done things differently. I'm not even sure HOW, but just differently. I hate thinking about it, but every so often, the thoughts creep back into my mind and I can't stop them. I'm angry all over again.
I find myself angry and anxious about many things. Little things, that in a year, even just 6 months, won't matter at all. But I sit here contemplating them and feeling my insides boiling again.
I have a lot of work to do.
I find myself angry and anxious about many things. Little things, that in a year, even just 6 months, won't matter at all. But I sit here contemplating them and feeling my insides boiling again.
I have a lot of work to do.
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