The Dark Side of Me

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Dark Side of Me

Lately I feel the strong urge to engage in destructive behavior. All of the behaviors I have worked so hard to keep at bay. I'm torn between WANTING them back in my life because they're easy, familiar, and comforting in a weird way, and pushing them away with all my might because I remember the rock bottom place they took me to not that long ago. But their pull is so strong....Mia still looms over me all the time and in fact, I let her win tonight. I was angry because I gave in, and still angrier because I didn't do it "well enough". WHAT? And Ana...she mocks me every day. Every hour. I feel so inadequate because I can't even live her life for one hour...I always give in. Mia says she's save me. But she doesn't. Katia is tempting too...if it weren't for the indelible scars she leaves, I'd go for that secret white box of sharp objects. I sit bewildered and confused as to why I'd even entertain such horrible thoughts. I thought I was smarter than this...that's what people always said. But those people didn't understand. They made me feel ashamed and stupid and worthless, which sent me further down the spiral of destruction. I thought I was better, but now I know it was all smoke and mirrors. Drugs to numb me, phony lies, and empty promises. Nobody cared. They never understood. But I believed them for so long! I hate them all now. I resent their conniving ways and their lies shrouded in half truths.
I wish I were dead sometimes. I think of all of the people I know who lost their lives and I feel angry that it was never ME. I didn't even care about life. They wanted to live. And yet, the cruel joke is, I am still alive. Suffering with no way out. I can't escape. It's already been done. I can't do that to my family again. Where is the exit? How do I get out of here? I hate myself and I feel like a fraud. An impostor.