Seasons change and people change and things change. Sometimes I wish the changes were easier to swallow. Sometimes I wish the changes were things I long for like more happiness or more money. (yes, I said it). But then there are those changes that come along suddenly, unnoticed until they are complete and you stare at them wondering how they managed to happen even though you thought you were watching the whole time. Those are the ones that hurt inside. They rattle me and make me question my beliefs and the way my striving to "save myself" with routines and planning can still not be strong enough to hold up against these changes.
I reflect a lot on myself--how I think, how I work with others, how I interact, and how I always try to be kind but sometimes my kindness and support is not perceived as such. I used to pride myself on my ability to convey my feelings in the written word, but now I fear it's just that kind of communication that gets me into trouble. But why do I always think it's MY fault? How can it be only me? Doesn't the other person play a role too? I think they do. Not to dismiss my own faults (and I have many) but it takes two to tango, as they say. Or in this case, two to tangle. Everything is tangled and I cannot unravel it.
Sometimes you have to walk away even if only for a brief moment, to collect yourself and decide what you can and cannot accept. After soul searching, I have decided what I can and cannot accept in friendships, relationships, colleagues, and people in general. My list may be different from yours and maybe my list changes just like the seasons. Change is hard. But I can conquer it. I just have to look at what good comes of it in the end. I remember that saying about a caterpillar who becomes a butterfly after being trapped in a cocoon. It grows wings and flies. I want that kind of change.
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye bye