People say they would never know of my penchant for keeping to a schedule for cleaning, organizing, and even feeling better when I plan what day I will do laundry and errands. They say they wouldn't know these are some of the things that plague my sleep at night and keep me feeling short of breath or on the edge of sanity. People seem to think my "issues" are invisible. It's not that they do not believe me when I tell them, but they say it wouldn't have occurred to them if I hadn't.
Yet, I feel quite the opposite. I feel like every inch of my being screams OCD!!! TYPE A PERSONALITY!! RIGID!! INFLEXIBLE!!! HATES CHANGE AND SURPRISES!!! I feel conspicuously tied to routines and the safety of how they "need" to happen when I schedule them. Sometimes I'm proud and sometimes I'm ashamed that I get fidgety and anxious when I have to go to a meeting before I've had time to do my daily cleaning/organizing. Or the fact that I cannot CANNOT go on with my day before riding my exercycle. (not that it shows in my fatness (no I didn't mean fitness), but that's another story).
I feel trapped and yet I feel safe all at the same time. I don't feel "normal" but what's normal anyway? Some say it's a setting on a washing machine. I've always wanted to fit in (or so I thought) but I never did and I know I never will, nor do I want to--not really. I mean, hello, I have purple hair. (with a few unintended pink streaks...)
So am I invisible or completely obvious? That is the question.
No comments:
Post a Comment