Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Addendum to the last (then back to regular programming)

I am not alone. I am surrounded by friends, family, colleagues, and other people in my many circles. Yet, here I stand in the midst of all of these people, feeling alone. Insignificant and unimportant, I feel as though I am looking in from the outside. Inside, there's jollity and warmth. I'm just outside the window as the snowflakes fall silently from the dark sky. I don't know why I feel this way. I have no reason to feel this way except my inner critics tell me I'm not more than a blip on the radar of life. I'm nothing to remember. I'm there, but I'm not. 

Maybe it's that time of year when Summer has ended and the dark time coming upon us. Days are shorter, the nights are longer and the dark more intense than before. This is the time of year when people die. When things go wrong and the unexpected comes to haunt me. It's always been a time of year when I feel alone--ironic since this is the time of year that begins the holidays and the emphasis on "togetherness" and "love". It's also that time of year that makes me panic thinking "where has the year gone and what have I accomplished?" WHY CAN'T I THINK OF ANYTHING?!

Sigh. Deep breath. It's all in my head. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I don't WANT to know. Time to find new hobbies. Time to forge new paths. Time to rest and relax and remember those who DO love me and ... I don't know what the "and" is. Ok, we're going to return to regular programming. This is sad.

Next up: something about the importance of routines and keeping structure in my life. Stay tuned...in my favorite key of A-flat. (haha)

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