Type A anxiety

It's been a strange week of nothing and everything all at once. I'm back in routines and yet I look around and wonder if I've gotten anything done. I always see more I could have, should have, would have, done if only....if only what? I don't know!! It upsets me to the core when I look around and don't see the fruits of my labor. I feel as if I've done nothing and wasted time for hours. And I'm tired. Oh so tired. 

I hope next week puts me out of this crazy funkitude. I want to live my life, be present, and enjoy every moment. Because moments are fleeting and you can turn around suddenly to find out your life has changed in an instant. And that is precisely what has happened to friends of mine. Life is precious and fragile. People leave before their time and the ugliness of insidious disease threatens to snatch them away without notice. I'm trying to breathe. It's cold and lonely here in the land of wanting everything to be perfect like a puzzle with every piece in place. Because much to my dismay it will NEVER be like that. Not ever. {sigh}

So once again, I find myself a type A person living in a world where I don't quite fit in. It's a struggle. I grab on tightly to the routines I know, the safety in planning, of knowing what comes next. I hope that if I stay there long enough, the chaos will go away and I will be calm. 

Uncertainty is not my friend. Change is good when it's gradual and ends in happiness, but not when it leaves me nervous about the known in front of me. I remind myself of how many times I've felt this way and I've never died. I've always made it through and survived to fight another day. It still hurts and it's scary, but I know that I will make it.

I feel myself slipping into nothingness. I am not important, I do not matter, and I'm insignificant. Or at least that is how I feel. What I used to think was my greatest talent has become my biggest insecurity. How does that happen? I guess, as usual, I have many more questions than answers. 

Time for sleep and hope for a brighter day tomorrow. My mom always said, tomorrow is another day.