I started this blog as a way to express my Type A personality and love for routines in a world where things are often chaotic and not to my taste. I've drifted into another realm, but when I think more about it, it's really the same thing. I feel upside down and out of control and I crave that feeling of security found in routines, knowing what to expect, and always feeling prepared. Lately, my emotions confound me. I am surprised at my reactions and responses to what are usually small annoyances. Suddenly, I feel my blood boiling and I explode with words I hardly ever speak aloud. I am unable to regulate my emotions and my interactions with people are unexpected--often way out of character for me. It's as though my insides have come out--everything I think inside comes flying out at the world. Very unsettling.
I am working hard to remedy this and by doing so, have become acutely aware of my words. I choose them carefully both in speech and ESPECIALLY in writing where people can't see my face or hear my voice. Email has become something to fear. Will I say it wrong? Will someone interpret something that isn't there? Should I use a different word? Put a smiley face so they know I'm happy? The anxiety it causes is too much. I retreat back into myself where it's safe. Sort of. Except that I'm afraid. Very afraid. The highs are high and the lows are lower than ever. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's a long journey from here and I have to be patient--not something I'm particularly good at.