Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Something different

Sometimes it's good to explore something different. I'm not big on change, but variety can be good. Sometimes. I'm avoiding the topic at hand right now because it's a difficult one. For the last few months, I've been on a wild ride of mood swings, anxiety attacks, and feeling out of control. We all know that I thrive on routines and control. I hate surprises and not knowing what's coming. This is precisely how my life has been --filled with surprises and I never know what's coming. It's uncomfortable and scary. I find myself saying things before I know what they are. Words fly out of my mouth or onto my computer to land on some hapless person who may or may not deserve them. After a lot of destructive thoughts and intense anger, I reached out for help. I realized that this type of anxiety wasn't the "normal" "general" anxiety I always have, but something deeper, darker, and almost unstoppable. I can't live like this. Finding myself using alcohol to relax or numb the pain was a frequent occurrence. Staring at a bottle of pills and wondering if taking all of them would make me feel better and I'd fall into a puddle of tears wondering how I had gotten to this place. I'd been here before and I thought I climbed out. But here I was right there and it was all too familiar. I know I've hurt people in the past few months--or maybe longer. EEEK. I know I've seemed "off" and people have noticed I'm not myself anymore. I don't know whether to be sorry, scared, or embarrassed. Or all of the above. I'm out of solutions. I am hoping the help I've received will work. It will take time so I have to be patient--not something I'm terribly good at. I have to trust that there is an end to this awful feeling--this heaviness in my heart. I have to know that I CAN beat this. I don't have to cry every day wondering how I can survive when I'm dying inside.
The old saying is "better living through chemistry" and I know it to be true because I've lived it for years. Now we're adding something to the potion. Hopefully it works wonders.
That's all. And yes, this entry is blue. I feel a little less purple than usual.

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