Sunday, March 29, 2015
If You Really Knew Me
Yes, I know it's a cheesy, overused, trite title. I don't care.
If you really you knew me:
You'd know my favorite color isn't blue.
You'd know I am afraid of getting old.
You'd know I'm not afraid of dying.
You'd know that I am sensitive and take lots of things personally.
You'd know I really care about people and want to do right by them.
You'd know I love animals more than I love most people.
You'd know that I am still angry (not at them) that people in my life have died.
You'd know that I can't help being type A and wanting things done "right".
You'd know I can't stand to see injustice.
You'd know I cry when I am alone.
You'd know I am scared of many things including myself.
You'd know that I am afraid of what other people think even though I say I'm not.
You'd know that I sometimes get jealous.
You'd know that I have regrets I wish I could fix.
You'd know that I love gin.
You'd know I want to live in Italy.
You'd know I long to visit Poland and see Auschwitz but I know I would fall into a puddle of tears upon arrival. (just seeing pictures makes me tear up).
You'd know that I hold a grudge.
You'd know that my anxiety is constantly boiling inside me.
You'd know that if I didn't have to leave my apartment, I never would.
You'd know that I both long for and despise compliments.
You'd know I am afraid that someone I know IRL (in real life) will read this blog.
You'd know that if you do read this blog and you know me IRL, you will never mention it.
You'd know that I think some people who claim to be writers, produce the most mind-numbingly boring prose.
You'd know that I think my stepmother doesn't love or even like me.
You'd know that I secretly want to be locked up in a looney bin so I can shut out the real world.
You'd know that I'm ashamed of my country because we have so many riches and share so few of them. There is no reason for people to go homeless or hungry.
You'd know that I hide behind humor when I am most distraught.
You'd know that I feel old and used up.
You'd know that I want to lose 60 pounds but I can't stop eating. Purging doesn't help.
You'd know that I am just a few drinks and moments of insanity away from being an alcoholic.
You'd know that I don't think highly of myself but at the same time I KNOW I'm smart and have a lot to give.
You'd know that writing this list is making me sad.
You'd know that I always feel judged and at the same time, I'm VERY judgmental.
You'd know that I want to "quit my life" and run away...i.e. disappear.
You'd know that I am not writing this for shock value or to "get attention".
You'd know that I mean every word of what I just wrote.
If you really you knew me:
You'd know my favorite color isn't blue.
You'd know I am afraid of getting old.
You'd know I'm not afraid of dying.
You'd know that I am sensitive and take lots of things personally.
You'd know I really care about people and want to do right by them.
You'd know I love animals more than I love most people.
You'd know that I am still angry (not at them) that people in my life have died.
You'd know that I can't help being type A and wanting things done "right".
You'd know I can't stand to see injustice.
You'd know I cry when I am alone.
You'd know I am scared of many things including myself.
You'd know that I am afraid of what other people think even though I say I'm not.
You'd know that I sometimes get jealous.
You'd know that I have regrets I wish I could fix.
You'd know that I love gin.
You'd know I want to live in Italy.
You'd know I long to visit Poland and see Auschwitz but I know I would fall into a puddle of tears upon arrival. (just seeing pictures makes me tear up).
You'd know that I hold a grudge.
You'd know that my anxiety is constantly boiling inside me.
You'd know that if I didn't have to leave my apartment, I never would.
You'd know that I both long for and despise compliments.
You'd know I am afraid that someone I know IRL (in real life) will read this blog.
You'd know that if you do read this blog and you know me IRL, you will never mention it.
You'd know that I think some people who claim to be writers, produce the most mind-numbingly boring prose.
You'd know that I think my stepmother doesn't love or even like me.
You'd know that I secretly want to be locked up in a looney bin so I can shut out the real world.
You'd know that I'm ashamed of my country because we have so many riches and share so few of them. There is no reason for people to go homeless or hungry.
You'd know that I hide behind humor when I am most distraught.
You'd know that I feel old and used up.
You'd know that I want to lose 60 pounds but I can't stop eating. Purging doesn't help.
You'd know that I am just a few drinks and moments of insanity away from being an alcoholic.
You'd know that I don't think highly of myself but at the same time I KNOW I'm smart and have a lot to give.
You'd know that writing this list is making me sad.
You'd know that I always feel judged and at the same time, I'm VERY judgmental.
You'd know that I want to "quit my life" and run away...i.e. disappear.
You'd know that I am not writing this for shock value or to "get attention".
You'd know that I mean every word of what I just wrote.
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