Changing Winds

Sometimes friends come and go and they might even come back years later after a long silence. This was the case for a friend of mine. We were close friends for many years until we weren't. We drifted apart and the falling out seemed to be buried except the hard feelings were right on the surface. So I guess that means the falling out wasn't really buried. Its head was visible under a veil of nothingness. She moved across the country to a city near to where I grew up and we didn't have contact anymore.

Fast forward several years and I see this person again. We are civil and she is back in the "acquaintance" category--someone I wouldn't mind seeing once in a while or with mutual friends, but not someone with whom I'd choose to spend copious amounts of time or disclose personal information. We saw each other once or twice after this so-called repair and it was tolerable. Then she got sick--really sick--scary sick. And every little petty small difference didn't matter anymore. I matured in a flash and reached out to her as she did me. She felt like a real friend again. I would make time to see her when I was in town and it was as though the falling out never happened.

Then she started coming back here where I met her. She would seemingly frantically "fit me in" during her busy schedule of seeing friends, going places, etc. We'd meet for coffee and chat and for a moment it seemed like we were friends again, but at the same time, there was a strange feeling of distance between us. She seemed not to be fully present when we met. She seemed to be preoccupied with the other people and places she wanted to be sure to see during her visit. The second or third time, I definitely felt like an afterthought and didn't feel important to her. One time she didn't even call after she told me she'd be here. Not even a courtesy text "Oh it turns out I won't be able to see you this time, I'm so sorry." That would have been enough. At least I wouldn't have felt forgotten or unimportant. Maybe I was reading more into this than was really there. Maybe I was projecting. Maybe I never really got over the fact that she played a large part in our falling out all those years ago.

After a long time of quiet between us (for reasons unknown--probably life) she contacted me to say she'd like to have dinner together before a rehearsal I had that evening. I agreed and also said I knew how difficult it is to see everyone when you have so little time, so why not get all of us together somewhere? She said she had plans with people individually so unless I wanted to invite some other people she wasn't really planning to see, then we'd have dinner together, just the two of us. I am sure it will be fun but the situation makes me feel as though I'm an afterthought again. She never did say how long she would be here, why she is coming, or where she is staying. So much secrecy. So much feeling of being in Middle School again and being on the outside of the popular crowd. 

We'll see what happens when I meet her. It's always nice to see her, so I'm sure it will be fine. I just have to assume I'm important enough that she made some time for me.