I love my job. Every day gives me happiness and joy in knowing I am helping people become the best they can be. Watching them grow by leaps and bounds, makes my heart sing. This is what I never knew I always wanted to do.
I hate my job. The higher-ups are shady and the district is dysfunctional. The organization is burned out, tired, and unmotivated. Ideas are thrown around but never come to fruition. Dreams are stated, but nobody does anything to make them come true. I flounder when I really want to swim. I wither while I want to flourish and thrive. Without the support and interest of the people I need, I can't do this anymore.
I'm not one to settle, but sometimes I think I should just go back to what I was doing before and try to find the cushiest, highest paying job to do it. It's not what I really want, but it's still something I love. But that's not me. I don't settle. I don't do that anymore. But I'm doing it now. I need to leave this situation and find one that's better--more stable and supportive.
I've given myself a year to secure a new position. This makes me scared, sad, excited, elated, and angry all at once. I never thought it would come to this. I love my job and though they may not always show it, the people I work with/for are good people with big hearts. They're just tired and ready for someone to take over for them. But those are excuses and excuses don't pay the rent. I need to move on. One more year to enjoy this and find every reason to remember why I took this job in the first place.
Friday, August 31, 2018
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Old News
You may have noticed I have added a large collection of entries from the past--the long past. These are blogs that were posted elsewhere and I left them to sit, simmer, and part of my hoping they would disappear. I am glad they didn't disappear because they remind me of who I was and who I am today. I have included them here so they will not dissolve nor will they fade away into the dark never to be seen again.
It's important to document feelings, thoughts, victories, losses, and everything in between. I see the ideas develop and sometimes there's a common theme and suddenly a turn in the road where the theme changes completely. That's ok, because we as humans change throughout our lives. Sometimes it's good to take an unexpected turn and seek out new adventures. Having done that 4 years ago this month, after a year of preparation I only half believed in, I am thrilled that I took the risk. I'm not a risk taker by nature, but when I was talking with a friend the other day, I realized that's not true. I am a risk taker. I do things other people would be too timid to do even if they dream about it. They are not only afraid of change, but they are convinced that where they are is where they should be even if it's not. And they know it. It made me sad talking to my friend and seeing her eyes light up when she spoke about where she knew she wanted to be and then her face falling when she told me all of the reasons why she couldn't be there. The reasons were excuses and words to hide the fear. I hope she takes the risk one day and flies freely to where she wants to be. I hope she can truly be happy without trying--without settling--without desperately seeking out that small spark even if it lasts only a moment.
Just because you want to fulfill your dream doesn't mean you are disappointing others. It may, in fact, be the opposite. They may cheer for you because they always knew.
It's important to document feelings, thoughts, victories, losses, and everything in between. I see the ideas develop and sometimes there's a common theme and suddenly a turn in the road where the theme changes completely. That's ok, because we as humans change throughout our lives. Sometimes it's good to take an unexpected turn and seek out new adventures. Having done that 4 years ago this month, after a year of preparation I only half believed in, I am thrilled that I took the risk. I'm not a risk taker by nature, but when I was talking with a friend the other day, I realized that's not true. I am a risk taker. I do things other people would be too timid to do even if they dream about it. They are not only afraid of change, but they are convinced that where they are is where they should be even if it's not. And they know it. It made me sad talking to my friend and seeing her eyes light up when she spoke about where she knew she wanted to be and then her face falling when she told me all of the reasons why she couldn't be there. The reasons were excuses and words to hide the fear. I hope she takes the risk one day and flies freely to where she wants to be. I hope she can truly be happy without trying--without settling--without desperately seeking out that small spark even if it lasts only a moment.
Just because you want to fulfill your dream doesn't mean you are disappointing others. It may, in fact, be the opposite. They may cheer for you because they always knew.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Making my millions
Starting a blog has always been something I thought about but never did. Over some Bombay Sapphire gin, the idea of blogging came up as a way to make millions. I'm sure it will work. So here I am on my first step of the journey to the lifestyle to which I wish were I accustomed. Perhaps my musings will draw the attention of some hapless web surfer--or maybe someone just looking for a light read. Whatever the case, I'm hoping my ramblings take me further than my back porch.
Thanks for reading and there's bound to be more sapphire later. Both literally and figuratively speaking.
Thanks for reading and there's bound to be more sapphire later. Both literally and figuratively speaking.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
I hate knowing
Just when you think your life is the lowest, most rockbottom excuse for a feeble existence, something comes along to slap you in the face with a large dose of reality. My problems are nothing. People are dying--and not in the figurative sense or the overly dramatic. They find lumps and bumps that are not benign. And we think "wait, aren't we too young for this?" But cancer knows no age, race, gender, sexual orientation...its insidiousness just invades without rhyme or reason until suddenly there are you are face to face with a demon so impossible, it doesn't seem real. But it is real. It's very real. And it's staring you in the face. Fortunately, it's staring AT you, not from you, so you have to be grateful. Or at least a little humbled by your shortcomings of wanting to be thinner, or prettier, or smarter, or more perfect than before. I already feel guilty for saying "fortunately"....for it's never "fortunate" when someone has to face such a horrible obstacle in life. I shouldn't be relived that it's not I....I should be scared and aware and alerted to the fact that the old adage is true. "There but for the grace of G-d go I". Or whatever you believe in. It's all luck. Life is a gamble. You take risks and you go on adventures, never really knowing what's to become of you in the end. It's maddening and horrifying and exciting all at once. Sometimes I just want to hide behind my Sapphire. Just for a moment, I say. Just for a moment until all the demons dissolve and the air is carefree again. But it never lasts. Reality always returns.
And it fucking sucks. (am I allowed to use such language on here? I'll throw a quarter in the jar just in case.) It sucks loudly and proudly and with a soprano scream so piercing it breaks glass half way across the world. It moves oceans and shakes the ground beneath us.
And then I realize that here I am where I began. I'm the same person only different. I know things I never wanted to know. I hate knowing.
And it fucking sucks. (am I allowed to use such language on here? I'll throw a quarter in the jar just in case.) It sucks loudly and proudly and with a soprano scream so piercing it breaks glass half way across the world. It moves oceans and shakes the ground beneath us.
And then I realize that here I am where I began. I'm the same person only different. I know things I never wanted to know. I hate knowing.
Promises broken or forgotten
I always promise myself I'll write more. Months go by and suddenly it dawns on me that I've yet again forgotten or tossed aside the shreds of a promise I had made. So much happens in my life but it happens in my head. I'm not always certain what's real and what is simply my perception or the outside world.
I go through the motions, but I never truly dance. Awkwardly, I stumble and stop.
I never thought I'd make it past 30. I'm 13 years past my expiration date and still slogging along through this thing called life. I'm not even sure where I'm going or where I've been. It all sounds cliche and trite. And it is. Which makes me sad, ashamed, and wishing I were invisible.
I still have the same aspirations as I did at 16 years old. I want to be smarter, prettier, thinner, more successful. Perfect. Such a loaded word, perfect is. I'm not even sure what it means anymore. Perfect sounds so neat and clean, all wrapped up in a pretty box tied with a bow. So constricting and almost a trap. But the temptress perfection draws me in with her convincing lies. The promises that just like mine, are in the end, shattered like pieces of glass at my feet. A reflection of my disappointment--of the disappointment that is me.
Sorry this entry is such a downer. It's not a pity party or anything--just raw emotion. I don't tend to allow myself to feel real emotion anymore. I use other things to numb what really hurts, to blur the pain inside, and mask the tears running down my face. It's an easy fix and although it's only temporary, it works like magic. Sadly, the magic is fleeting and then I'm back in the same place where I began. The emotions bubble up inside me. And the cycle begins anew.
Mia, you're a bitch. Ally, you suck the life out of me. And, Katia, you are evil.
Thank you dear readers....if there are any, for reading this missive.
I go through the motions, but I never truly dance. Awkwardly, I stumble and stop.
I never thought I'd make it past 30. I'm 13 years past my expiration date and still slogging along through this thing called life. I'm not even sure where I'm going or where I've been. It all sounds cliche and trite. And it is. Which makes me sad, ashamed, and wishing I were invisible.
I still have the same aspirations as I did at 16 years old. I want to be smarter, prettier, thinner, more successful. Perfect. Such a loaded word, perfect is. I'm not even sure what it means anymore. Perfect sounds so neat and clean, all wrapped up in a pretty box tied with a bow. So constricting and almost a trap. But the temptress perfection draws me in with her convincing lies. The promises that just like mine, are in the end, shattered like pieces of glass at my feet. A reflection of my disappointment--of the disappointment that is me.
Sorry this entry is such a downer. It's not a pity party or anything--just raw emotion. I don't tend to allow myself to feel real emotion anymore. I use other things to numb what really hurts, to blur the pain inside, and mask the tears running down my face. It's an easy fix and although it's only temporary, it works like magic. Sadly, the magic is fleeting and then I'm back in the same place where I began. The emotions bubble up inside me. And the cycle begins anew.
Mia, you're a bitch. Ally, you suck the life out of me. And, Katia, you are evil.
Thank you dear readers....if there are any, for reading this missive.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Entitled brats
Dear Parents,
Please raise your children to be compassionate, kind, caring people who are aware that the world does not revolve around them. Oh, wait...that would mean YOU would have to adopt those qualities too. Sigh. Every day I see children grab, demand, insist, talk back...only a minute few of the actions that would have landed me in my room for a month. And my room had no TV, no computer, no video games, no phone. My room was filled with books, toys, and other things to be sure, but being sent to my room was no vacation. And my room was small. My twin sized bed took up most of the floor space.
That is all.
Please raise your children to be compassionate, kind, caring people who are aware that the world does not revolve around them. Oh, wait...that would mean YOU would have to adopt those qualities too. Sigh. Every day I see children grab, demand, insist, talk back...only a minute few of the actions that would have landed me in my room for a month. And my room had no TV, no computer, no video games, no phone. My room was filled with books, toys, and other things to be sure, but being sent to my room was no vacation. And my room was small. My twin sized bed took up most of the floor space.
That is all.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Faking allergies
Seriously? Why do people say they're allergic to things and then promptly turn around and put themselves in contact with said allergy-causing thing? If you're allergic to milk, don't eat ice cream. If you're allergic to cats, don't freaking get one! And "forgetting" you're allergic is the most insane excuse ever. Why is it that I remember what you're allergic to, but you, who once made a HUGE hairy deal of it, can't seem to remember? Methinks your allergies are for convenience. Like when someone you dislike offers you an offending food...then you're indignant and "allergic"and huffing and puffing about why they can't remember when you've TOLD them a thousand times. I'm thinking of the thousand times I've seen you eat said food(s) and nothing happened. If you don't want something, just say it. Don't conjure up an allergy. What a joke.
And your sudden aversion to gluten, wheat, and anything that's not paleo-pilates raw food I'm holier than thou because I don't eat GMOs, is a crock of turnip shit. Bite me.
I'm gonna die with chemicals sailing through my bloodstream and a bottle of Bombay in my hands.
And your sudden aversion to gluten, wheat, and anything that's not paleo-pilates raw food I'm holier than thou because I don't eat GMOs, is a crock of turnip shit. Bite me.
I'm gonna die with chemicals sailing through my bloodstream and a bottle of Bombay in my hands.
Insomnia?
It's way too late and I'm still awake pondering my existence or something like that. Insomnia is a strange and mysterious creature.
I'm at some point where I start thinking about my life and where it went, where it's going, and where it is. I've done so much, yet I've accomplished nothing when I think of the long (and as of now incomplete) bucket list of mine. Sigh. I get so caught up in the mundane that I think I forget to live. Wait, does that make me dead? Hmm.
On a random note, I've decided to dye my hair blue along with the purple. I'm sure my mother will love it. Not.
I'm at some point where I start thinking about my life and where it went, where it's going, and where it is. I've done so much, yet I've accomplished nothing when I think of the long (and as of now incomplete) bucket list of mine. Sigh. I get so caught up in the mundane that I think I forget to live. Wait, does that make me dead? Hmm.
On a random note, I've decided to dye my hair blue along with the purple. I'm sure my mother will love it. Not.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Late night musings
I always admire people who blog frequently or at least on a regular basis. I also admire people who blog about something specific--a trip to somewhere fantastic, adventures in the life of mom, or whatever. My blog seems to be a random smattering of sarcasm and self-indulgent prattle. Ah well...I shouldn't go on another "everyone's better than I am at everything" jag, which this could quickly turn into if I'm not careful. But I'll be careful.
I really do enjoy writing and words have so much interest to me. Almost as much as the color that adorns most of my life. I love combinations of words and how they mean more when you add one to the other in just the most eloquent way. Or even not in an eloquent way, but just some way that sparks an interest you never knew was there.
I often wonder do people read this blog? Do they stumble upon it and read a few words and then move on? Or do they seek it out to find out the next Sapphire Soprano musing? Either way, I'm happy writing it. I throw my thoughts into the universe and wonder if they'll come back.
I find myself inspired lately and wonder if that's how the paths of life go. Every turn and twist in the proverbial road can change everything. I like that.
As a great poet said, "I took the road less traveled and that has made all the difference". (or something like that)
SS
I really do enjoy writing and words have so much interest to me. Almost as much as the color that adorns most of my life. I love combinations of words and how they mean more when you add one to the other in just the most eloquent way. Or even not in an eloquent way, but just some way that sparks an interest you never knew was there.
I often wonder do people read this blog? Do they stumble upon it and read a few words and then move on? Or do they seek it out to find out the next Sapphire Soprano musing? Either way, I'm happy writing it. I throw my thoughts into the universe and wonder if they'll come back.
I find myself inspired lately and wonder if that's how the paths of life go. Every turn and twist in the proverbial road can change everything. I like that.
As a great poet said, "I took the road less traveled and that has made all the difference". (or something like that)
SS
Saturday, February 1, 2014
February
The shortest and most intense month of the year. Well, the shortest anyway. I'm pondering the way time flies by and how I still feel like it's 1980 and I'm a little kid. Where does the time go? How have I managed to get to ...ahem...middle age?!!!! Ack.
Ah well... I had a small realization tonight that my life is pretty good. I have jobs I love and hobbies I love even more. I'm surrounded by an eclectic group of people I call friends and they are the most generous, kind, loving, amazing people I could ever be lucky enough to know. I pretty much hit the lottery of friends.
I guess that's it for tonight. I wish I had more to say, but I feel lost for words.
Ah well... I had a small realization tonight that my life is pretty good. I have jobs I love and hobbies I love even more. I'm surrounded by an eclectic group of people I call friends and they are the most generous, kind, loving, amazing people I could ever be lucky enough to know. I pretty much hit the lottery of friends.
I guess that's it for tonight. I wish I had more to say, but I feel lost for words.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Marching on...
My last post was about how short February is. Well, it flew by and yet it seems a lifetime has passed since last I wrote. I'm feeling my age and noticing the rapid passing of time as I get closer to "a certain age". Ahem. It's almost heart-stopping to think that my life is more than half over. I have less left than I've already lived! Don't mean to be morbid, but it's something with which I struggle when I analyze it too much. Which is all the time. I should stop thinking so much.
Then I find my thoughts rambling over to the "what have I done with my life"? feeling. And I don't know the answer. As such a type A person who always had a "plan" and was driven to stay on the road to success (or at least follow my dreams), I find it oddly ironic that I look back and think I've done next to nothing and more-so that I look forward and have absolutely no idea where I'm going. I guess it all goes back to how I never planned to live this long. I thought my crazy escapades would have taken me off this earth long ago. And quite frankly, they should have. Sigh. I don't know if it's a cruel joke that I'm the one who is still alive while so many dear friends have had their lives cut short. They WANTED to live. I didn't. So...what made it so that I'm still here? I'm the only person I know who isn't afraid of dying. I'm afraid of OTHER people dying, for sure.
People laugh when I say I feel old. I know, by comparison, I'm not *that* old, but * I * feel old...I mean thirty-fourteen? Yikes. I can't even think about it. It's 14 years past what I considered my expiration date. But if I say that out loud, people think I belong in the looney bin. And maybe I do. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be locked up with no expectations of being responsible or even cognizant. I don't know, but it's a thought. Probably not one I should admit.
On another note, I am sick and tired of being fat. I am doing everything I can to return to my lean ways, but somehow, my body is betraying me. I exercise more than I did before, eat less and still I continue to be large. Huge. Enormous. It's so frustrating! Why can other people follow diets and exercise so easily and the pounds fall off? It's probably my own fault for wrecking my metabolism. Karma bites you in the (fat) ass every time.
Ok...enough kvetching for one evening. I don't know if this is helpful to anyone. Maybe I should make use of my <delete> button.
Then I find my thoughts rambling over to the "what have I done with my life"? feeling. And I don't know the answer. As such a type A person who always had a "plan" and was driven to stay on the road to success (or at least follow my dreams), I find it oddly ironic that I look back and think I've done next to nothing and more-so that I look forward and have absolutely no idea where I'm going. I guess it all goes back to how I never planned to live this long. I thought my crazy escapades would have taken me off this earth long ago. And quite frankly, they should have. Sigh. I don't know if it's a cruel joke that I'm the one who is still alive while so many dear friends have had their lives cut short. They WANTED to live. I didn't. So...what made it so that I'm still here? I'm the only person I know who isn't afraid of dying. I'm afraid of OTHER people dying, for sure.
People laugh when I say I feel old. I know, by comparison, I'm not *that* old, but * I * feel old...I mean thirty-fourteen? Yikes. I can't even think about it. It's 14 years past what I considered my expiration date. But if I say that out loud, people think I belong in the looney bin. And maybe I do. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be locked up with no expectations of being responsible or even cognizant. I don't know, but it's a thought. Probably not one I should admit.
On another note, I am sick and tired of being fat. I am doing everything I can to return to my lean ways, but somehow, my body is betraying me. I exercise more than I did before, eat less and still I continue to be large. Huge. Enormous. It's so frustrating! Why can other people follow diets and exercise so easily and the pounds fall off? It's probably my own fault for wrecking my metabolism. Karma bites you in the (fat) ass every time.
Ok...enough kvetching for one evening. I don't know if this is helpful to anyone. Maybe I should make use of my <delete> button.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
The Dark Side of Me
Lately I feel the strong urge to engage in destructive behavior. All of the behaviors I have worked so hard to keep at bay. I'm torn between WANTING them back in my life because they're easy, familiar, and comforting in a weird way, and pushing them away with all my might because I remember the rock bottom place they took me to not that long ago. But their pull is so strong....Mia still looms over me all the time and in fact, I let her win tonight. I was angry because I gave in, and still angrier because I didn't do it "well enough". WHAT? And Ana...she mocks me every day. Every hour. I feel so inadequate because I can't even live her life for one hour...I always give in. Mia says she's save me. But she doesn't. Katia is tempting too...if it weren't for the indelible scars she leaves, I'd go for that secret white box of sharp objects. I sit bewildered and confused as to why I'd even entertain such horrible thoughts. I thought I was smarter than this...that's what people always said. But those people didn't understand. They made me feel ashamed and stupid and worthless, which sent me further down the spiral of destruction. I thought I was better, but now I know it was all smoke and mirrors. Drugs to numb me, phony lies, and empty promises. Nobody cared. They never understood. But I believed them for so long! I hate them all now. I resent their conniving ways and their lies shrouded in half truths.
I wish I were dead sometimes. I think of all of the people I know who lost their lives and I feel angry that it was never ME. I didn't even care about life. They wanted to live. And yet, the cruel joke is, I am still alive. Suffering with no way out. I can't escape. It's already been done. I can't do that to my family again. Where is the exit? How do I get out of here? I hate myself and I feel like a fraud. An impostor.
I wish I were dead sometimes. I think of all of the people I know who lost their lives and I feel angry that it was never ME. I didn't even care about life. They wanted to live. And yet, the cruel joke is, I am still alive. Suffering with no way out. I can't escape. It's already been done. I can't do that to my family again. Where is the exit? How do I get out of here? I hate myself and I feel like a fraud. An impostor.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Resisting temptation
I am currently resisting temptation. It's harder than advertised and takes more energy than anything I can think of. (yes, I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, but nobody reads this anyway, right?) Anyway, as I was saying, resisting temptation is much like struggling against the most persistent warrior who wants to do everything in his/her power to defeat you. Funny thing is, I feel like that trying to resist temptation. Like a warrior doing everything in her power to defeat an enemy. It's brutal. I know I could alleviate this awful full feeling with a few heaves and a ho. Don't ask.
I know I could relieve the boil of anxiety inside with a few slashes on the arm. Again, don't ask. I'm a ball of nerves for no apparent reason.
I look at my life from different angles and I see different things. From one angle I see someone doing something she loves, surrounded by friends, and the benefactor of generosity from all. From another angle, I see an epic failure. How can those two polar opposites be true? How can I all at once, be a successful career person with talents beyond description and an epic failure with no reason to live?
Such a a complex world it is.
I want to run away to Europe and never come home. I've been saying that for 20 years. All talk and no action. I conjure up a thousand excuses about why I can't do it. 20 years' worth of excuses rolled up into one giant ball of fear. I'm afraid and I won't admit it. Fear stops me from "running away" because I don't know what I would be running to. (another sentence ending with a preposition). But, still I say "one day I'll run away to Europe and never come home". Right. And one day I'll lose those 50 pounds again.
Moral of the story....carpe diem. Just carpe diem, people. And never look back.
I know I could relieve the boil of anxiety inside with a few slashes on the arm. Again, don't ask. I'm a ball of nerves for no apparent reason.
I look at my life from different angles and I see different things. From one angle I see someone doing something she loves, surrounded by friends, and the benefactor of generosity from all. From another angle, I see an epic failure. How can those two polar opposites be true? How can I all at once, be a successful career person with talents beyond description and an epic failure with no reason to live?
Such a a complex world it is.
I want to run away to Europe and never come home. I've been saying that for 20 years. All talk and no action. I conjure up a thousand excuses about why I can't do it. 20 years' worth of excuses rolled up into one giant ball of fear. I'm afraid and I won't admit it. Fear stops me from "running away" because I don't know what I would be running to. (another sentence ending with a preposition). But, still I say "one day I'll run away to Europe and never come home". Right. And one day I'll lose those 50 pounds again.
Moral of the story....carpe diem. Just carpe diem, people. And never look back.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Life's twists and turns
It's funny to see where people have ended up in life and where you are and how you never thought you'd be there. Where I sit today is so far from where I ever dreamed I'd be. Firmly ensconced in my circle of friends in each chapter of my life, I never thought things would change. But they always did. I closed the chapter on high school and went on to college. My college years were certainly a significant chapter, but little did I know, there was more to come. At the crossroads of "what-the-hell-do-I-do-now?" and "OMG-I-just-want-to-get-on-with-my-career", I decided on grad school. I still, to this day, do not know if this was the right choice or not. I ponder the ifs, ands, buts, and how my life might be different if I'd chosen a different path. But one can only ponder for so long before it drives you crazy. It was grad school that ultimately led me to where I am today. After a few years of "finding myself" doing odd jobs and such, failing at teaching because nobody would hire me to do what I really wanted to do, and because nobody would hire me to do what I was good at, I found myself driving across the country looking to reinvent myself and my life. Well, it was a little more complex than that and may or may not have involved a (now ex) boyfriend. But that's beside the point. I'm here now and it's been a wild ride so far.
Facebook presents an interesting view into people's lives. I know it's just the surface of what people want to share--or over-share as the case may be, but I believe facebook gives us all a skewed view about people's successes. Everyone looks happy and fulfilled. (of course they do. DUH! Nobody's gonna post sullen pictures of themselves sitting on the couch wishing they had a life). But I know it's not always the case. And by the way, I am a facebook addict, so I am in no way dissing it. I live there. I find myself and others at the facebook party every morning before work and every night after trashy TV.
So I don't know where this blog is going. It's about as random as this entire blog ever was. I don't even know why I started it. OH--to make millions. Right. Ok, well, it's a bunch of rambling entries that do not relate to each other. I should probably choose a theme....or something. Ah well, I've always taken the road less traveled. Or something.
Una oportunidad para contar estrellas. (an opportunity to count the stars). One of the best one line solos I've ever sung. It still gives me goosebumps.
Facebook presents an interesting view into people's lives. I know it's just the surface of what people want to share--or over-share as the case may be, but I believe facebook gives us all a skewed view about people's successes. Everyone looks happy and fulfilled. (of course they do. DUH! Nobody's gonna post sullen pictures of themselves sitting on the couch wishing they had a life). But I know it's not always the case. And by the way, I am a facebook addict, so I am in no way dissing it. I live there. I find myself and others at the facebook party every morning before work and every night after trashy TV.
So I don't know where this blog is going. It's about as random as this entire blog ever was. I don't even know why I started it. OH--to make millions. Right. Ok, well, it's a bunch of rambling entries that do not relate to each other. I should probably choose a theme....or something. Ah well, I've always taken the road less traveled. Or something.
Una oportunidad para contar estrellas. (an opportunity to count the stars). One of the best one line solos I've ever sung. It still gives me goosebumps.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Oblivion
I swear some people live in a land called Oblivion. They just don't get it. They think it's not their problem, or it will solve itself, or since they have no clue, it can't possibly be that important. Seriously? You can't just shrug your shoulders and call it a day because then your lack of planning DOES make it an emergency on my part. And that's not how the saying goes.
Another day, another dollar...oh wait, this is VOLUNTEER! I always forget that we shouldn't expect anything since it's "only volunteer". Well that's BS. In my book, if you agree to do something, DO IT or at least say you can't and apologize. And don't wait until the eleventh hour to do so.
Over and out. Mostly out
Another day, another dollar...oh wait, this is VOLUNTEER! I always forget that we shouldn't expect anything since it's "only volunteer". Well that's BS. In my book, if you agree to do something, DO IT or at least say you can't and apologize. And don't wait until the eleventh hour to do so.
Over and out. Mostly out
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Sometimes I wonder...
Where I've been...who I am...do I fit in? Ok, it's a cheesy line from an 80's song I loved to belt out with my hairbrush microphone and tape recorder...yes tape recorder. OUT HERE....ON MY OWN!!!
But seriously, I do wonder about things. I think of myself as purple, creative, organized, and just enough out there to be "interesting", but not totally nuts. At least I hope so.
Today was a day I went into with great trepidation. I attended a workshop where I had to reach deep inside and lose my self for a while. I had to pretend I wasn't self-conscious, I didn't feel ungraceful, and I was willing to pour my soul out to a virtual stranger. Of course, I was not alone in this endeavor, but something like this can easily make me feel like I am larger than life (in more ways than one...and that's for another blog entry). I felt conspicuous and weird. I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I felt everything the leader was telling us NOT to feel. Ugh... But I fought it and finally threw myself into the experience. To my surprise, there were moments of clarity and moments of really believing in what I was expressing. It was scary and beautiful all at the same time.
In the space of 3 hours, I was transformed into a real believer. I CAN make something tangible out of what I thought was only something deep inside me.
With that, I leave you to ponder your own potential.
But seriously, I do wonder about things. I think of myself as purple, creative, organized, and just enough out there to be "interesting", but not totally nuts. At least I hope so.
Today was a day I went into with great trepidation. I attended a workshop where I had to reach deep inside and lose my self for a while. I had to pretend I wasn't self-conscious, I didn't feel ungraceful, and I was willing to pour my soul out to a virtual stranger. Of course, I was not alone in this endeavor, but something like this can easily make me feel like I am larger than life (in more ways than one...and that's for another blog entry). I felt conspicuous and weird. I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I felt everything the leader was telling us NOT to feel. Ugh... But I fought it and finally threw myself into the experience. To my surprise, there were moments of clarity and moments of really believing in what I was expressing. It was scary and beautiful all at the same time.
In the space of 3 hours, I was transformed into a real believer. I CAN make something tangible out of what I thought was only something deep inside me.
With that, I leave you to ponder your own potential.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Holding it together
Lately, I've been holding it together with virtual glue and tape. Sometimes bandaids and string, but really, just trying to appear whole while hiding the cracks that appear with more frequency than I'd like to admit. I've learned how to function in life without drawing attention to myself and without inviting too many probing questions about what's going on underneath the very fluid surface of my life. I cover my pain in purple. I cover my fears with laughter. I am light-hearted and happy. On the outside. Just don't come too close. Don't look too long. You may notice some scars. You may see behind my eyes, a touch of sadness and longing for something indescribable and maybe even impossible.
But if you keep moving while you smile and wave, you'll see that I'm entirely in one piece. Nothing falling, nothing failing. Just a "regular" person. What does that mean, anyway? What is "regular"? Who is "normal"? Is there even such a thing?
The more I promise myself I will focus on the positive, the more I see the ways in which that is so difficult. I want to be a positive, upbeat person who is enjoyable to be around, but honestly, I also want to be...well, honest. And that means taking the darkness with the light.
But people are scared of the dark. People don't like when someone says "No, actually, I don't want to live to be 90. In fact, I don't want to be 70. I think my life will be just fine if I have a few more good years and that's it.". People think you're crazy if you say that. So I don't. Except I just did. Hmm.. Anyway, I'm not one who wants to get old. I don't want to live forever, and though I have dreams, I know many of them are out of reach. My wish is to go quietly and without anyone really noticing. Almost as if I were to disappear one day.
But for now, I'm holding it together with virtual glue, tape, and anything else that covers the cracks and makes me seem whole. Because people don't understand and frankly, I don't know if I do either.
But if you keep moving while you smile and wave, you'll see that I'm entirely in one piece. Nothing falling, nothing failing. Just a "regular" person. What does that mean, anyway? What is "regular"? Who is "normal"? Is there even such a thing?
The more I promise myself I will focus on the positive, the more I see the ways in which that is so difficult. I want to be a positive, upbeat person who is enjoyable to be around, but honestly, I also want to be...well, honest. And that means taking the darkness with the light.
But people are scared of the dark. People don't like when someone says "No, actually, I don't want to live to be 90. In fact, I don't want to be 70. I think my life will be just fine if I have a few more good years and that's it.". People think you're crazy if you say that. So I don't. Except I just did. Hmm.. Anyway, I'm not one who wants to get old. I don't want to live forever, and though I have dreams, I know many of them are out of reach. My wish is to go quietly and without anyone really noticing. Almost as if I were to disappear one day.
But for now, I'm holding it together with virtual glue, tape, and anything else that covers the cracks and makes me seem whole. Because people don't understand and frankly, I don't know if I do either.
Monday, April 14, 2014
ages and stages
It's been a year and a half since I last saw Dr. Happy. I have gone through many feelings and emotions ranging from relief to extreme anger. I was stubborn and I didn't want to work hard anymore. I had checked out long before I left for good. I knew that then and I REALLY know that now. Hindsight...yeah. I was angry because I wasn't "cured" and I was angry because I thought she didn't care. I stopped believing in myself and as a result, she stopped believing in me. The last session was very bland. No fireworks, no big emotions, just disappearing out the door knowing I was on my own. I was both relieved and terrified and sort of insulted. One of the last questions she asked me was"what will you do when you get in trouble?" Wait...WHEN?! WTF. Isn't she supposed to reassure me that everything is going to be ok? And that I'm ready to fly out into the world on my own? Instead of answering "well, I won't be calling YOU", I mumbled something about "I don't know, I guess I'll be fine". But I got angrier every time I recalled that question. Seriously? She had NO faith in me. Not that I had any faith in myself, but wasn't that her JOB to have faith in me? Maybe not. Maybe I sucked all the oxygen out of the air and left her feeling half dead like I felt every time I left my sessions. I'll never know and I'm pretty sure she will never care. In fact, my angry side thinks she never did care in the first place. At all. Maybe I wasted years of my life believing in something that was never there to begin with. Ugh. If I had to do it again, I think I would have done things differently. I'm not even sure HOW, but just differently. I hate thinking about it, but every so often, the thoughts creep back into my mind and I can't stop them. I'm angry all over again.
I find myself angry and anxious about many things. Little things, that in a year, even just 6 months, won't matter at all. But I sit here contemplating them and feeling my insides boiling again.
I have a lot of work to do.
I find myself angry and anxious about many things. Little things, that in a year, even just 6 months, won't matter at all. But I sit here contemplating them and feeling my insides boiling again.
I have a lot of work to do.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Unintended consequences
Recently I interviewed someone for a job I thought I couldn't do and that had parts I thought were worthy of a yawn. While listening to her speak, I was suddenly astounded at my excitement for a subject I had five minutes ago, found pretty much duller than a butter knife. She spoke about "development" (no, not film, fund raising and such) as if it were a whole world I had never visited. And now I wanted to! Suddenly, it was a language I wanted to learn, a vocabulary I longed to acquire. Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to be! I found myself wishing I had run across such excitement years ago so I could be the one doing this job. Another "ah ha" moment came along when the job candidate spoke about reinventing herself after her original dream had become obsolete with advances in technology. This was it!! I was NOT too old, nor was it "too late". I had not missed the boat. There IS a way to reinvent myself and still use skills Iv'e acquired along the way. I've laid the foundation in what I've done for so many years and now it's time to build. The joy of finally finding a purpose is exhilarating. I can't wait to make my dreams, my BIG dreams come true!!
And all of this came from interviewing someone for a job I thought I never wanted.
And all of this came from interviewing someone for a job I thought I never wanted.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Another almost missed opportunity
I almost missed meeting the coolest person I've met in a long time. And....she's related to me! Because I was tired, grouchy, and feeling selfish, I almost didn't meet her. But, I scrambled to GMST (get my sh*t together) and I agreed to meet her. I have never been more glad that I went against my instinct. She was AWESOME. Exciting, funny, smart, kind, hilarious, and awesome in every way possible. I can't wait until the next time I can see her. I left feeling like I wanted to BE her...only in my own way. To my surprise, she, too, thought I was fabulous. I love when that happens. And yes, flattery will get you everywhere with me. Another reason to pursue my new and improved dreams in life. She made me feel like I could do anything. Anything. And I will. Dreams, here I come!!! Be ready, because I'm dreaming BIG!
PS it is now 2018 and I have NO idea who I'm talking about. WTF?
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Envious and so not proud
Sometimes I am green envy when I hear about other people going on vacations, or attending conferences I wish I could attend, or when it seems as though other people are having more fun than I am. The monster depression gets me down. It's so unattractive when I get that way, but I cannot seem to shake it. Today I finally shook it with a strong drink. I know that's not a healthy coping mechanism, but damn, it made me feel better. Sometimes gin IS the best cure for what ails you.
I have big dreams and I wish I could cut through the crap and get to them. Everything costs money. So much money. I want to take classes. I want to sing in chorus. I want to go on tour. ACK. When I add up the numbers, it's much more than I have. I am sad. I don't want more than my share, I just want a chance to succeed at life.
Time for sleep. Please no weird dreams this time.
I have big dreams and I wish I could cut through the crap and get to them. Everything costs money. So much money. I want to take classes. I want to sing in chorus. I want to go on tour. ACK. When I add up the numbers, it's much more than I have. I am sad. I don't want more than my share, I just want a chance to succeed at life.
Time for sleep. Please no weird dreams this time.
Monday, July 7, 2014
It's been a year
F*ck you, Katia. I can't believe I made it. A whole year. A whole freaking long ass year. There have been SO MANY times I've almost given in, but dammit, I've beat you down for a whole year. Now onto year #2. As for Mia, please come back. I'm fat. Sorry.....vices.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Random thoughts
Random thoughts:
This is a long summer.
I envy people who do not work or don't have to work at least some of the time.
How do people afford vacations?
I hate it when I realize I could have done something great if only I'd taken the chance.
Are we there yet?
This is a long summer.
I envy people who do not work or don't have to work at least some of the time.
How do people afford vacations?
I hate it when I realize I could have done something great if only I'd taken the chance.
Are we there yet?
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Anxiety
My insides feel like they're boiling. I want to crawl out of my skin. Antsy, can't breathe, can't sit still, can barely think. I took a pill. Please let it kick in soon. I hate that I can't calm down without a pill. It seems so silly, but sometimes I just can't. Ok, always. Ugh. Anxiety and worry live inside me and often make me feel inferior. I feel worthless and the urge to crawl into the darkness and never come out, is so strong. I want to sleep forever. I want to feel nothing. Numbness, tingling, nothingness. Whatever's left of my "rational" mind, is in shreds. My mind is a jumble of urges to flee everywhere, everything.
Please make it stop. Pills. Yay.
Please make it stop. Pills. Yay.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Mia is back
Well, despite my efforts (or not), Mia is back in full force. I must admit, I kind of invited her in and said it was ok if she stayed a while. Now she's here and I'm fully ensconced in the world of mia. For those of you who do not know what I'm talking about, "mia" is slang for a deadly eating disorder. I would say it out loud--or in this case, spell it out, but something strange keeps me from doing so. It's as though if I write the word or say it, it makes it real. If I just "allude" to it, it's not really happening. It's just an idea. Right. I'm pretty amazed I've made it this far in life with all the years I spent with Ana, Mia, and Katia. Please don't make me say it...google those terms and see what you get.
And please don't judge. It's hard and it's evil and I judge myself enough for the whole world, so I don't need anyone else helping me out. Thanks.
I'm just so desperate to be perfect, whatever that is. I look in the mirror and see a failure in so many ways. I'm fat, I'm unattractive, I'm short, I'm just not good enough. My hair sticks out no matter how many times I run it through the flat iron. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to be seen in public. Or anywhere. Sigh. I've invited Mia with open arms because I'm too weak to keep Ana around. I think about Katia all too much but I've kept her at bay for over a year now. The others have always been there, just not always in the forefront.
In a way, it's comforting to have my old crutches around me. I'm embarking on many new adventures these days and the anxiety of that is getting the best of me. I need a crutch or two, right? If only my crutches were as socially acceptable as my friend Sapphire. At least that's acceptable and I don't have to feel anything then. Think I'll have one now.
If you're reading this, I hope you're doing well.
And please don't judge. It's hard and it's evil and I judge myself enough for the whole world, so I don't need anyone else helping me out. Thanks.
I'm just so desperate to be perfect, whatever that is. I look in the mirror and see a failure in so many ways. I'm fat, I'm unattractive, I'm short, I'm just not good enough. My hair sticks out no matter how many times I run it through the flat iron. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to be seen in public. Or anywhere. Sigh. I've invited Mia with open arms because I'm too weak to keep Ana around. I think about Katia all too much but I've kept her at bay for over a year now. The others have always been there, just not always in the forefront.
In a way, it's comforting to have my old crutches around me. I'm embarking on many new adventures these days and the anxiety of that is getting the best of me. I need a crutch or two, right? If only my crutches were as socially acceptable as my friend Sapphire. At least that's acceptable and I don't have to feel anything then. Think I'll have one now.
If you're reading this, I hope you're doing well.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Flying off the handle
Or hanging from the chandelier. The littlest things get to me these days. I can't pin-point it, but I seem to be quite unable to cope with anything that throws me the slightest bit off kilter. I never was good at change without notice, nor have I ever been good at "going with the flow". I need order, structure, and reliability. I'm kind of OCD that way.
As I said in my last post, I kid of invited Mia in the door and she is surely here. I'm still fat and gross, though, so I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Sigh. The fact that my skin is covered in hives and eczema or whatever the hell the rash-of-the-day is, doesn't help me feel good either. I have the most itchy, sensitive skin in the world. If anyone out there is reading this, please send a cure!
Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I'm not sure it matter since I don't know if anyone reads this blog anyway. If you're out there (either literally or figuratively or both), let me know. If you know me in real life or if you think you do, you never saw this.
Time for more Sapphire to dull the pain.
As I said in my last post, I kid of invited Mia in the door and she is surely here. I'm still fat and gross, though, so I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Sigh. The fact that my skin is covered in hives and eczema or whatever the hell the rash-of-the-day is, doesn't help me feel good either. I have the most itchy, sensitive skin in the world. If anyone out there is reading this, please send a cure!
Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I'm not sure it matter since I don't know if anyone reads this blog anyway. If you're out there (either literally or figuratively or both), let me know. If you know me in real life or if you think you do, you never saw this.
Time for more Sapphire to dull the pain.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
And I never knew her
I never met her, but I felt like I knew her. She was an avid youtuber and though I began watching her videos for her diet advice, I ended up following her through her journey with triple negative breast cancer. She fought and she fought hard. Through it all, I felt as if I knew her as a friend. I felt as though I knew her family too. Her cute little daughter who finally took her first steps and I cried with joy. Her amazingly dedicated 20-something daughter who took care of her little sister and showed love unlike any I've seen on youtube. And her husband--the rock of the family. I know inside he was in great pain, but he always seemed to be the rock of the family--at least on youtube.
Well, Christina died today. She died. I knew it was coming as I've been through it with real life friends before. I saw the signs--the look in her eyes, the color of her skin, the sound of her voice, the way she spoke so much as though she were in another world already. I never met this woman and yet I feel a huge loss. My heart aches for her family and friends. My heart aches for ME. And she wouldn't have known me if I walked by her. But she was a constant in my life. I watched her videos religiously and waited with bated breath for each one to be posted. At the end, they were less frequent, but still I waited. I keep going to her channel to see if anything is posted. Then it hits me. She is gone. And I never knew her.
Tears. Sadness. Anger. Fuck you, cancer. Fuck you. I hate you. I hate cancer. I hope to see a day when cancer is obliterated from the planet--from our lives. FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!
Well, Christina died today. She died. I knew it was coming as I've been through it with real life friends before. I saw the signs--the look in her eyes, the color of her skin, the sound of her voice, the way she spoke so much as though she were in another world already. I never met this woman and yet I feel a huge loss. My heart aches for her family and friends. My heart aches for ME. And she wouldn't have known me if I walked by her. But she was a constant in my life. I watched her videos religiously and waited with bated breath for each one to be posted. At the end, they were less frequent, but still I waited. I keep going to her channel to see if anything is posted. Then it hits me. She is gone. And I never knew her.
Tears. Sadness. Anger. Fuck you, cancer. Fuck you. I hate you. I hate cancer. I hope to see a day when cancer is obliterated from the planet--from our lives. FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!
Thursday, November 20, 2014
If I want your opinion....
I'll give it to you!
This is how my week has gone. I've come to realize that my opinion is not always wanted--it's validation of another's opinion that is what is being solicited. I try to choose my words carefully, try to be empathetic, try to be kind, and yet, I seem to land in the whirlwind of the mad hatter.
I have learned a lot about what it means to be a good leader. I've learned a lot about what it means to be an ineffective leader. Suffice it to say, I've been learning a great deal--which brings me to my next point. I've been taking classes and finding that the road I'm on isn't the one that's taking me where I want to go. I long to veer off the path and into unchartered territory where I know I could be happier. I want to spread my wings (oh how trite!) and try something new. I've finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up.
I always thought I'd teach forever. I love teaching. I love the children and watching them learn--watching that "ah ah" moment when they finally get it. But then I get a glimpse of what else is out there and I wonder if that wouldn't make me feel more fulfilled.
I don't know the answer. I love everything I do for different reasons and as always, I want to do it all. I want to make a difference in this world. I definitely need a change.
This is how my week has gone. I've come to realize that my opinion is not always wanted--it's validation of another's opinion that is what is being solicited. I try to choose my words carefully, try to be empathetic, try to be kind, and yet, I seem to land in the whirlwind of the mad hatter.
I have learned a lot about what it means to be a good leader. I've learned a lot about what it means to be an ineffective leader. Suffice it to say, I've been learning a great deal--which brings me to my next point. I've been taking classes and finding that the road I'm on isn't the one that's taking me where I want to go. I long to veer off the path and into unchartered territory where I know I could be happier. I want to spread my wings (oh how trite!) and try something new. I've finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up.
I always thought I'd teach forever. I love teaching. I love the children and watching them learn--watching that "ah ah" moment when they finally get it. But then I get a glimpse of what else is out there and I wonder if that wouldn't make me feel more fulfilled.
I don't know the answer. I love everything I do for different reasons and as always, I want to do it all. I want to make a difference in this world. I definitely need a change.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Christmas Eve and almost to the end of the year
Why is it that Christmas eve always signifies the year's impending unstoppable, screeching halt? Another year has gone by and yet I sit here thinking about all that I had hoped to accomplish over the last year. In a way, I've accomplished a lot. In another way, I'm still sitting here wishing I were thinner, smarter, richer (in the $ department), and, wondering if these are just impossible dreams that I should forget.
At this time of year, I reflect about many things. I reflect about how lucky I am to have such amazing friends who care so much about me even when I don't deserve it. My family deserves the same recognition. I can really be a pill sometimes. I also know I'm generous to a fault, kind, caring, and loyal. So, as you can see, there is a paradox here.
I'm thinking of new year's resolutions and how I can make them attainable instead of the same old ones I break every year. I want to lose 50 pounds, get a job in nonprofit management, and live a more grown up life. I want to stop making excuses for what I know I can do if I set my mind to it. I want to travel more and not be a slave to my work. I need to learn the art of saying "no" and the art grace under pressure.
So much to learn. I'm half way through my life and I still have more questions than answers. How did I get this old?! Another question to ponder.
Well, with that, I wish you a happy holiday with everything you love and all the things that matter most to you.
Here's to 2015!!
At this time of year, I reflect about many things. I reflect about how lucky I am to have such amazing friends who care so much about me even when I don't deserve it. My family deserves the same recognition. I can really be a pill sometimes. I also know I'm generous to a fault, kind, caring, and loyal. So, as you can see, there is a paradox here.
I'm thinking of new year's resolutions and how I can make them attainable instead of the same old ones I break every year. I want to lose 50 pounds, get a job in nonprofit management, and live a more grown up life. I want to stop making excuses for what I know I can do if I set my mind to it. I want to travel more and not be a slave to my work. I need to learn the art of saying "no" and the art grace under pressure.
So much to learn. I'm half way through my life and I still have more questions than answers. How did I get this old?! Another question to ponder.
Well, with that, I wish you a happy holiday with everything you love and all the things that matter most to you.
Here's to 2015!!
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Happy New Year
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I should have written this long ago, but somehow life got in the way. I hope this reaches you in good health and happiness as we begin a fresh new year. It’s hard to believe 2014 flew by like it did. So much happened! In addition to teaching preschool through Second grade music, my “Special People” who are the most amazing humans anyone could ever know, I started an adventure in nonprofit management. I’ve completed 5 out of 7 classes for the certificate and am pondering taking my career in a new direction when I finish in April. The type A personality in me enjoys the challenge of management and putting forth new ideas to make things better. So many possibilities are out there! I never knew so many wonderful ways existed to make my mark on the world.
Of course, I’ve been singing in PWC, which in fact, inspired me to look into nonprofit management. All of my volunteer work there has made me realize I can make a career out of what I do for “fun”. Time shall tell if this dream comes true. Speaking of dreams, the PWC will travel to Argentina in August! I’m so lucky to have been afforded these opportunities with my beloved chorus. Never did I think I’d see so much of the world in this wonderful way.
In between teaching and singing, I’ve spent time with the best people in the world—my friends. They are a wacky, quirky, amazingly understanding and supportive group of people. I am lucky to know all of them. They love me anyway. And that’s no small thing. I fly off the handle, I have my meltdowns, I have my opinions about everything, I have my crazy purple pie-in-the-sky dreams, and still they stick by me. They celebrate with me when I’m happy, and they pick up the pieces when things shatter. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends.
My family is the same way. I’m fortunate.
I wish you all a year filled with happiness, health, and everything that makes you happy.
I hope you find adventure and things you never knew you never knew.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Hold fast to dreams and to those you love
Life can be quite unfair at times. On Friday, January 9, my beautiful stepsister lost her husband of 24 years to a massive heart attack. He was home alone and found sitting in his favorite chair just as if he'd been resting for a moment. Such a shock to all. I cannot believe he's gone. It seems so surreal. I apologize for the randomness of this entry, but I cannot seem to wrap my thoughts in a nice neat package in order to explain the emptiness I feel. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose the one you love without warning, without notice, without any chance to say goodbye. My heart aches for my sister and her 3 young daughters who will never see their father again. Such a tragedy. Hold on to the ones you love. Hold them tight and say everything you need to say. Say it now because you never know when it will be too late.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Incompetence abounds
Why is it that the most incompetent people rise to the top so quickly? And how is it that so many people refuse to believe that despite OBVIOUS signs of stupidity, incompetence, and plain inability, that a person might not be worthy of being fired? I work with someone who claims to have had years of experience doing a job. Yet, I find that with my few yeas of volunteering and a few hours of classes in each area, that somehow, I can manage this job better than this person. How is that?
I am SO angry. The person in question cannot follow simple instructions, cannot remember anything, does not write anything down, always says she "didn't know" and gets defensive when called out on her shortcomings. And yet...people LOVE this person. WHAT!? Am I living in an alternate universe? I don't get it. To me, it's clear that this person cannot, for whatever reason, do this job and should be fired immediately.
#stupidpeoplesuck
I am SO angry. The person in question cannot follow simple instructions, cannot remember anything, does not write anything down, always says she "didn't know" and gets defensive when called out on her shortcomings. And yet...people LOVE this person. WHAT!? Am I living in an alternate universe? I don't get it. To me, it's clear that this person cannot, for whatever reason, do this job and should be fired immediately.
#stupidpeoplesuck
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Breaking the Silence
If I have not heard from you, nor spoken to you in YEARS, please do not suddenly text me asking if you can stay in my 1BR/1BA tiny apt with your TWO KIDS...oh, and it's next week. On a work night. WHAT!? No. Bite my ass. How effing rude. I am blocking and deleting you from my life like I did after you never bothered to answer my email or phone calls years ago. Dumb b*tch. WTH. I hate people.
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