Facing the fear and mortality

I don't even know where to begin. A rush of terror shot through my entire being when I read the email. "We have to go home," it said. I stared at those words as they seemed to echo through my very soul for what seemed like an eternity. It was probably 15 seconds, but I digress. I immediately went into panic mode. Is he ok? Get on the next plane home, I thought. What are you waiting for?! GET HOME NOW. Well, they made it home safely and much to my surprise, without anyone ending up in an ER. I think the situation was watered down after my anxiety over it was apparent. I hate when they do that! I'm a grown ass woman, older than I will admit, and I can take it. Just fking tell me. It's worse when I find out it was serious and there I was sitting at home thinking nothing of it. That's happened to me before and I ended up feeling like a total ass. My dad almost freaking died and I wasn't told but the rest of my family was. So... I went merrily and obliviously through my summer program with no knowledge of how severe this really was. But again, I digress. I seem to do that often.

It wasn't only the dire emergency of it all, but the way it stopped me in my tracks and reminded me of mortality. This man is 79 years old. Although nobody would ever guess by looking at him, this was a stark reminder that older people don't always fare well with ailments like these. If surgery is required to alleviate the excruciating pain, that worries me more. What if he doesn't survive the surgery--I mean old people sometimes don't. What if they find something--the big C word? I lost my stuffing for a day or two. Fortunately, I have understanding friends who listened to my shrieks of hysteria and even offered their parents' home for me to stop along the way to get to see my parents. 

I've been surrounded by too many deaths lately and have taken stock of my own life in the process. This was another sober reminder that life is short. I need to spend time with my loved ones and MAKE time for them. 
As I always say, "If you die, I'll kill you".

Feeling like I'm back at square one

For three years, I've been sailing along on a cloud of elation having finally found a job that fits my dreams, my skills, and my personality. Suddenly, I feel as though that cloud is falling and there's nothing to catch me. It's in no way my fault, but it doesn't make it feel any better. Frustrated and disappointed, I am searching for new adventures. There aren't many out there that fit me the same way this one did. Basically, I am looking for this job somewhere else. I don't know if that's realistic or if this job even exists anywhere else. I just know that going back to my past is not an option. I keep telling myself that everything always works out and I've always found my way through this crazy world. I've always landed on my feet. Yeah, I keep telling myself that. I'm not sure if I believe it. I'm scared of what the future holds and afraid that this was all a dream that wasn't meant to last. 

Even though I want to change it immediately and escape from the crazy uncertainty, I know I have one more year to figure this out. One more year to find my job in the sky. One more year to discover my dream job was right in front of me all the time. Or maybe it was under a rock or a pile of sheet music. But it's there. And I will find it.

No more toxic people

Have you ever found yourself surrounded by toxic people? Some of them may be people you thought were friends. Some may be acquaintances. Some may be coworkers. Whoever they are, they drain you of energy and pull you into their misery. 

I'll tell you a secret. I think I was that friend for a long time. I was depressed, I was miserable, I wanted to talk about how life sucked, and how I couldn't find my way out of the dark. Some friends stood by me while others drifted off. 

Fast forward several years and I suddenly feel better than I ever have. I am elated and happy to be doing what I'm doing. I am finally finding joy in life. I am trying desperately to hold on to these feelings because they are so new and fresh to me. I never knew anyone could be this happy or feel this good. I am ready to have fun, share good times with friends, and suddenly everyone around me is in crisis or having some issue they can't get past. I feel for them because that was me, but at the same time, I am tired of being their therapist. I got professional help and got past my demons. I don't want to tell people what to do, but they really need some help. Sigh.

Moral of the story (or something like that)
1. If you don't like something, change it.
2. If you need help, get it.
3. Realize that trying means actively doing something to improve the situation, not just thinking it will get better soon.
4. If you want advice, take it. If you don't want advice, don't ask for it.
5. Don't bring everyone else down and then be surprised when they aren't there anymore.

Wind out of my sails

Well, that took the wind outta' my sails. I was so excited about going to visit a friend I've not seen in ages. It all seemed too good to be true when our plans worked out. Then the proverbial other shoe dropped. Sigh. I am going to be the third wheel. Instead of a fun weekend hanging out, shopping, drinking, relaxing, chatting, it's going to be a weekend of being "on". In other words, it won't be a short vacation. I know it's selfish, but I didn't want to have to deal with anyone outside our friendship. I don't want to have to be put together and afraid to walk around in pajamas. I don't want to feel like I'm leaving someone behind or that I'm being left behind--i.e. third wheel. 

I wish I could just cancel the trip and either stay home or go somewhere else. I know my friend would be disappointed and I can't let on that I feel this way. I can't let on WHY I feel this way. I guess I'll just have to make the best of it. I was hoping for more as I've spent the last year making the best of it. 

So close yet so far away

Why is it that when we get so close to the end of something, whether it be a work year, a class, paying off debt, loans, whatever, it's the hardest part of the journey? I can see the end but I can't quite reach it yet. Impatience sets in--along with some other things, but we won't go there.

Two things come to mind right now--paying off the last of my debt and finishing a work contract. My debt is just short of 3 payments until finished, and my work contract is just a few days until completed. It's been a long haul for both and I never thought I would see even a glimpse of the end.
I can't breathe in anticipation of being able to breathe when this heavy weight is lifted off my shoulders. I guess that makes no sense, but that's how I feel at the moment.

Then the saying "don't wish your life away" comes to mind. Am I wishing my life away by hoping these final days go quickly? While I do believe in cherishing every day, I kind of want these days to fly by so I can enjoy the ones that follow. Patience has never been one of my strong suits. Ugh.

I have already promised myself I will never get into these situations again. I will learn how to say no and not feel guilty. I will learn to take care of my sanity without feeling like I'm letting others down. I will remember what it feels like to be in the thick of these situations and how good it feels when I'm not. I can do this. I have come this far and I will get to the end.

Until it Happens to You

You never know how you will react until it happens to you. It's easy to envision a situation and go through in your mind how you would react. Until it really happens. Today I was faced with a situation exactly like that--one I had envisioned and thought about how I would react. It was nothing like that. A million thoughts swarmed through my head. I was frantic, panicking, and completely out of body. Clammy fingers texted the person I was supposed to meet next. The words I typed were not as I felt inside, but rather how I wished I had felt--or even didn't feel at all, but they were a defense mechanism to get me through without falling to pieces. Although I was surrounded by 100 or so people, I was alone. I was the only one there waiting for the evil to strike. I was sure it would be only moments until I was faced with the unthinkable. After what seemed like an eternity, I was suddenly able to escape. Without thinking, I dashed out and  fled immediately. I didn't think about the consequences of fleeing so carelessly. I just wanted to get out and far away. So I did.

I arrived at my next destination thinking I was perfectly fine and composed. It was only moments until I realized I was anything but together. The tears were just behind my eyes and fear took over my being. I couldn't hear myself speak, I was moving on autopilot. It took a friend to stop me and give me permission to leave. As soon as I got in the car, reality hit. I was hysterical. To this day I won't forget what happened. And this was only a fraction of what could have been. This paled in comparison to almost anything I've heard about over the last year. But it hit me deep inside. Because it happened to me. The thing I think about every day when I go to work, almost became real--it did become real, just not as real as it could have been. 

Hold your loved ones tight. Always say goodbye. You never know when it will be the last time. Or almost the last time.

Tears of Joy and Sorrow, Love and Pain

Last night was an historic night. In a deep red state, a democrat took the senate election. It was unbelievable, incredible, and an important reminder that there is good in the world--that people really do care about one another. The outrage has turned to action. People are telling the government they are not happy with how it's going now and their voices are heard in their votes.

I cried tears of joy for the optimism this brings. I wept for the sorrow that has been living inside me for so long and finally rushed out in a moment of happiness. I cried because of love and pain and how closely they sit together. 

This world will come together again. The cracks will seal, the deep divides will join together again, and we will be one again. Not us and them. Just us. That day isn't far away. Last night gave me a glimpse of hope that our future has some light in it.