On my mind

Musings of randomness and other colors.

Friday, August 21, 2015

On my mind

I think I've lost a friend. I'm not sure how it all happened, but it ended with a venomous "fuck you" from her and a quick exit out the door. I was left standing speechless and hurt as though I'd just stepped into another world without warning. I don't know how anyone could be so cruel. No matter how angry or upset you get, there's always a better way to solve it aside from cursing someone out. I spent the rest of the day with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. It didn't help that it was the end of a long trip with little sleep, and we were embarking upon our trip home. This was so out of character that it caused me to wonder whether something else was wrong. I didn't have time to ask and now I don't want to ask. I just want to cut the toxic person out of my life. She doesn't seem to think she did anything wrong (or at least hasn't said so) and I have to say I see that as a major character flaw. I'm sure I shouldn't be so judgmental, but I am. And I hold a grudge forever. In other news, I somehow think it's MY fault. A flaw in me, perhaps.

Changing Winds

Sometimes friends come and go and they might even come back years later after a long silence. This was the case for a friend of mine. We were close friends for many years until we weren't. We drifted apart and the falling out seemed to be buried except the hard feelings were right on the surface. So I guess that means the falling out wasn't really buried. Its head was visible under a veil of nothingness. She moved across the country to a city near to where I grew up and we didn't have contact anymore.

Fast forward several years and I see this person again. We are civil and she is back in the "acquaintance" category--someone I wouldn't mind seeing once in a while or with mutual friends, but not someone with whom I'd choose to spend copious amounts of time or disclose personal information. We saw each other once or twice after this so-called repair and it was tolerable. Then she got sick--really sick--scary sick. And every little petty small difference didn't matter anymore. I matured in a flash and reached out to her as she did me. She felt like a real friend again. I would make time to see her when I was in town and it was as though the falling out never happened.

Then she started coming back here where I met her. She would seemingly frantically "fit me in" during her busy schedule of seeing friends, going places, etc. We'd meet for coffee and chat and for a moment it seemed like we were friends again, but at the same time, there was a strange feeling of distance between us. She seemed not to be fully present when we met. She seemed to be preoccupied with the other people and places she wanted to be sure to see during her visit. The second or third time, I definitely felt like an afterthought and didn't feel important to her. One time she didn't even call after she told me she'd be here. Not even a courtesy text "Oh it turns out I won't be able to see you this time, I'm so sorry." That would have been enough. At least I wouldn't have felt forgotten or unimportant. Maybe I was reading more into this than was really there. Maybe I was projecting. Maybe I never really got over the fact that she played a large part in our falling out all those years ago.

After a long time of quiet between us (for reasons unknown--probably life) she contacted me to say she'd like to have dinner together before a rehearsal I had that evening. I agreed and also said I knew how difficult it is to see everyone when you have so little time, so why not get all of us together somewhere? She said she had plans with people individually so unless I wanted to invite some other people she wasn't really planning to see, then we'd have dinner together, just the two of us. I am sure it will be fun but the situation makes me feel as though I'm an afterthought again. She never did say how long she would be here, why she is coming, or where she is staying. So much secrecy. So much feeling of being in Middle School again and being on the outside of the popular crowd. 

We'll see what happens when I meet her. It's always nice to see her, so I'm sure it will be fine. I just have to assume I'm important enough that she made some time for me.

Budgeting for beginners and those who wonder where their money goes

Budgeting is a word that always made the hairs on my neck stand up. For years, I avoided it like the plague. I thought if I had money, I could spend it and that was that. The rest could go on a credit card. I could not have been more wrong. 

Years later, I sat down and decided that having a savings account with $500 was not going to be enough. And my checking account was even lower. I knew how much money I earned every month, but somehow al most all of it seemed to be gone by about the 25th of each month. Where was it going? I had no clue.

First I decided to put one of my 3 monthly checks into my savings account each time I got paid. It wasn't a lot, but it made a difference and built up my savings past its usual molehill status. That worked for a while and I felt a bit more secure because I had a substantial (that's a strong word) savings. But I still didn't know where the rest of my money was going. I never spent anything out of my savings, so that was ok, but my checking account was languishing every month. The next step was very sobering. I faced head on, that "B" word. I sat down with my excel sheet and listed every expense for the month. Some were easy because they are fixed. (rent, health insurance, internet phone) Some were a bit trickier since they seemed to vary more. (utilities, prescriptions, doctor visits, groceries, gas in the car). Now was the daunting task of figuring out how much money was coming in versus how much went out.

It took me several tries to get it right. The method that seemed to work best for me was this:
On an excel sheet I listed the expenses I would have for a specific month. Most were predictable like the aforementioned items, but some were specific to that month like car registration and taxes. I had to account for those things for that month only and therefore budget "around" that. I also had to accept that I may be spending more that month than in a typical month without those expenses. 
After listing the expenses, I made a "projected" column--that is what I would guess I would spend or what I wanted to budget for that item. The next column was the "actual" list where I would fill in what I really spent. Sometimes the "actual" spending was over my limit and sometimes under. I could see how much I was spending in relation to how much I was bringing in. I was actually living within my means, but I could see where most of my money was going and how I could make some cuts and where I needed to allow for more. The second month went better than the first. Now that I'm on the third month, I expect to get better at projecting what each expense will be. I'm more careful with the places where my money seems to fly away (eating out, groceries...hmm...FOOD). It's nice to know exactly how I'm spending my money and what I really need to spend on each item. For instance, I thought I was spending much more on gas in the car than I really was. I actually spent only about 50% of what I budgeted. YAY! 

I'm going to keep trying to be more disciplined with my spending and see if I can reach my financial goals much sooner than I would have before I started budgeting. It's a process to be sure, but my ultimate goal is to be debt free and have a healthy savings and emergency fund. (not to mention enough to pay my bills and live comfortably). 

I don't pretend to be a financial guru (I hate numbers!) but I am attempting to take control of my finances. We all know I like to be in control, have everything in order, in its place, and neat and tidy. 

If I can do this, anyone can do this. Give it a try! Remember....baby steps.

Back To Calm

It's July, which I refer to as the "month of calm". There is a welcome lull in my work which serves to help recharge my batteries so to speak and make me a better teacher/program director in August when things start speeding up again.

During this month of calm, I have taken the time to see friends and make time for having fun. As I reflect, I realize there is so much on my bucket list that I have yet to cross off. I need to make time for that as well. It's important to live life fully and in the present. Putting things off for the future can be precarious as you never know if the future will be there. Life is fragile and short. I need to remember that every day even during the busiest times of the year.

I hope you all take some time to rest and relax as well. Until next time, here's to the slowness of summer!

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

I learned a lot from Mister Rogers yesterday. I learned things about him I never knew. When he was a little boy, he was afraid to make mistakes. He felt he didn't quite fit in. My heart ached for him and yet I could relate so well. He eventually found where he did fit in and that was in Television--specifically producing a show for children.
This sparked some thoughts about my work as a music teacher and why I fight for music education. I've said over and over that music is not a frill, it's not an extra curricular activity, but rather a part of complete education. I've talked about how it teaches language, social studies, math, and science. It teaches discipline and the art of teamwork to achieve a single goal. All of those things are true.

What I fail to mention all too often, is that music is the only place where many kids finally feel like they fit in. I was that kid. I was successful and I could be myself. I was always excited when I knew I had music that day.

The students I teach and many others, find solace in their music classes. They find a place to belong--a place where they shine. They don't have to speak the language to be able to communicate. Musical expression can be wordless. For so many students I have taught, music might be the only beautiful thing in their day. Music might be the reason they come to school that day. To take this away from so many students is a crime. Why the arts are constantly on the chopping block, is unfathomable to me. I don't know where I would be today were it not for the wonderful music programs I had growing up. My music teachers were my heroes. Each and every one of them. Because of that, I will fight 'til the end of time for music programs to stay alive. I can only hope that I will be just one child's hero for one day.

Stand up and Fight Back

Random thoughts before this blog entry: I started this out as a blog about routines, cleaning, Type A living, and all things almost OCD. It has morphed into more of a random post blog. I don't know if that's good or bad. I'll have to think about that. Now for today's entry.

Stand up and fight back. We've been hearing for months now, maybe even longer. It's difficult to keep fighting back when the face of adversity stares us down every day. But we must keep our voices loud. We must keep making ourselves heard. There is no other way. If we remain silent, that means were complicit. If we remain silent, we have no recourse when things do not change. 

Lately, I have felt as if the world is crashing down on me and everyone I love. History is repeating itself in no uncertain terms and if you can't see it, open your eyes wider. It's all around us. Discrimination, dehumanization, and just plain disgusting treatment of people all over. I cannot and will not take this sitting down. I'm mostly an introvert, but I conjured up the courage to go to a rally recently. It was so empowering! So many people with signs and cheers and voices breaking the silence the politicians want. I was sad that I didn't make a sign, but as a dear friend said, showing up is what counts. I showed up. 

It's hard to imagine what the world will become. I just hope we save it before it's too late.

Facing the fear and mortality

I don't even know where to begin. A rush of terror shot through my entire being when I read the email. "We have to go home," it said. I stared at those words as they seemed to echo through my very soul for what seemed like an eternity. It was probably 15 seconds, but I digress. I immediately went into panic mode. Is he ok? Get on the next plane home, I thought. What are you waiting for?! GET HOME NOW. Well, they made it home safely and much to my surprise, without anyone ending up in an ER. I think the situation was watered down after my anxiety over it was apparent. I hate when they do that! I'm a grown ass woman, older than I will admit, and I can take it. Just fking tell me. It's worse when I find out it was serious and there I was sitting at home thinking nothing of it. That's happened to me before and I ended up feeling like a total ass. My dad almost freaking died and I wasn't told but the rest of my family was. So... I went merrily and obliviously through my summer program with no knowledge of how severe this really was. But again, I digress. I seem to do that often.

It wasn't only the dire emergency of it all, but the way it stopped me in my tracks and reminded me of mortality. This man is 79 years old. Although nobody would ever guess by looking at him, this was a stark reminder that older people don't always fare well with ailments like these. If surgery is required to alleviate the excruciating pain, that worries me more. What if he doesn't survive the surgery--I mean old people sometimes don't. What if they find something--the big C word? I lost my stuffing for a day or two. Fortunately, I have understanding friends who listened to my shrieks of hysteria and even offered their parents' home for me to stop along the way to get to see my parents. 

I've been surrounded by too many deaths lately and have taken stock of my own life in the process. This was another sober reminder that life is short. I need to spend time with my loved ones and MAKE time for them. 
As I always say, "If you die, I'll kill you".