Facing the fear and mortality

I don't even know where to begin. A rush of terror shot through my entire being when I read the email. "We have to go home," it said. I stared at those words as they seemed to echo through my very soul for what seemed like an eternity. It was probably 15 seconds, but I digress. I immediately went into panic mode. Is he ok? Get on the next plane home, I thought. What are you waiting for?! GET HOME NOW. Well, they made it home safely and much to my surprise, without anyone ending up in an ER. I think the situation was watered down after my anxiety over it was apparent. I hate when they do that! I'm a grown ass woman, older than I will admit, and I can take it. Just fking tell me. It's worse when I find out it was serious and there I was sitting at home thinking nothing of it. That's happened to me before and I ended up feeling like a total ass. My dad almost freaking died and I wasn't told but the rest of my family was. So... I went merrily and obliviously through my summer program with no knowledge of how severe this really was. But again, I digress. I seem to do that often.

It wasn't only the dire emergency of it all, but the way it stopped me in my tracks and reminded me of mortality. This man is 79 years old. Although nobody would ever guess by looking at him, this was a stark reminder that older people don't always fare well with ailments like these. If surgery is required to alleviate the excruciating pain, that worries me more. What if he doesn't survive the surgery--I mean old people sometimes don't. What if they find something--the big C word? I lost my stuffing for a day or two. Fortunately, I have understanding friends who listened to my shrieks of hysteria and even offered their parents' home for me to stop along the way to get to see my parents. 

I've been surrounded by too many deaths lately and have taken stock of my own life in the process. This was another sober reminder that life is short. I need to spend time with my loved ones and MAKE time for them. 
As I always say, "If you die, I'll kill you".

Feeling like I'm back at square one

For three years, I've been sailing along on a cloud of elation having finally found a job that fits my dreams, my skills, and my personality. Suddenly, I feel as though that cloud is falling and there's nothing to catch me. It's in no way my fault, but it doesn't make it feel any better. Frustrated and disappointed, I am searching for new adventures. There aren't many out there that fit me the same way this one did. Basically, I am looking for this job somewhere else. I don't know if that's realistic or if this job even exists anywhere else. I just know that going back to my past is not an option. I keep telling myself that everything always works out and I've always found my way through this crazy world. I've always landed on my feet. Yeah, I keep telling myself that. I'm not sure if I believe it. I'm scared of what the future holds and afraid that this was all a dream that wasn't meant to last. 

Even though I want to change it immediately and escape from the crazy uncertainty, I know I have one more year to figure this out. One more year to find my job in the sky. One more year to discover my dream job was right in front of me all the time. Or maybe it was under a rock or a pile of sheet music. But it's there. And I will find it.

No more toxic people

Have you ever found yourself surrounded by toxic people? Some of them may be people you thought were friends. Some may be acquaintances. Some may be coworkers. Whoever they are, they drain you of energy and pull you into their misery. 

I'll tell you a secret. I think I was that friend for a long time. I was depressed, I was miserable, I wanted to talk about how life sucked, and how I couldn't find my way out of the dark. Some friends stood by me while others drifted off. 

Fast forward several years and I suddenly feel better than I ever have. I am elated and happy to be doing what I'm doing. I am finally finding joy in life. I am trying desperately to hold on to these feelings because they are so new and fresh to me. I never knew anyone could be this happy or feel this good. I am ready to have fun, share good times with friends, and suddenly everyone around me is in crisis or having some issue they can't get past. I feel for them because that was me, but at the same time, I am tired of being their therapist. I got professional help and got past my demons. I don't want to tell people what to do, but they really need some help. Sigh.

Moral of the story (or something like that)
1. If you don't like something, change it.
2. If you need help, get it.
3. Realize that trying means actively doing something to improve the situation, not just thinking it will get better soon.
4. If you want advice, take it. If you don't want advice, don't ask for it.
5. Don't bring everyone else down and then be surprised when they aren't there anymore.