Sometimes the emotions are too strong. Sometimes I want to stay out of jail. My friends don't have bail money and neither so I. So I refrain from telling someone they are a f*king twatwad and other things, and instead enjoy a large adult beverage. I may or may not be under the influence right now so who knows wtf I am writing. I cannot and will not be held responsible for this. Seriously.
Why do people feel like they can just chime in after the fact and claim they were there the whole time. They make you feel like YOU are the one who misunderstood but if you apologize for that, they only sort of accept it and insist they are right. WTF ever. You be right. I'm happy. So fuck you. Yeah, I'm happy.
It's not my job and it never was so good luck doing it your damn self. I'm out.
Ranteunt exeunt fuckyou-eunt.
Monday, September 3, 2018
Friday, August 31, 2018
I love it. I hate it.
I love my job. Every day gives me happiness and joy in knowing I am helping people become the best they can be. Watching them grow by leaps and bounds, makes my heart sing. This is what I never knew I always wanted to do.
I hate my job. The higher-ups are shady and the district is dysfunctional. The organization is burned out, tired, and unmotivated. Ideas are thrown around but never come to fruition. Dreams are stated, but nobody does anything to make them come true. I flounder when I really want to swim. I wither while I want to flourish and thrive. Without the support and interest of the people I need, I can't do this anymore.
I'm not one to settle, but sometimes I think I should just go back to what I was doing before and try to find the cushiest, highest paying job to do it. It's not what I really want, but it's still something I love. But that's not me. I don't settle. I don't do that anymore. But I'm doing it now. I need to leave this situation and find one that's better--more stable and supportive.
I've given myself a year to secure a new position. This makes me scared, sad, excited, elated, and angry all at once. I never thought it would come to this. I love my job and though they may not always show it, the people I work with/for are good people with big hearts. They're just tired and ready for someone to take over for them. But those are excuses and excuses don't pay the rent. I need to move on. One more year to enjoy this and find every reason to remember why I took this job in the first place.
I hate my job. The higher-ups are shady and the district is dysfunctional. The organization is burned out, tired, and unmotivated. Ideas are thrown around but never come to fruition. Dreams are stated, but nobody does anything to make them come true. I flounder when I really want to swim. I wither while I want to flourish and thrive. Without the support and interest of the people I need, I can't do this anymore.
I'm not one to settle, but sometimes I think I should just go back to what I was doing before and try to find the cushiest, highest paying job to do it. It's not what I really want, but it's still something I love. But that's not me. I don't settle. I don't do that anymore. But I'm doing it now. I need to leave this situation and find one that's better--more stable and supportive.
I've given myself a year to secure a new position. This makes me scared, sad, excited, elated, and angry all at once. I never thought it would come to this. I love my job and though they may not always show it, the people I work with/for are good people with big hearts. They're just tired and ready for someone to take over for them. But those are excuses and excuses don't pay the rent. I need to move on. One more year to enjoy this and find every reason to remember why I took this job in the first place.
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Old News
You may have noticed I have added a large collection of entries from the past--the long past. These are blogs that were posted elsewhere and I left them to sit, simmer, and part of my hoping they would disappear. I am glad they didn't disappear because they remind me of who I was and who I am today. I have included them here so they will not dissolve nor will they fade away into the dark never to be seen again.
It's important to document feelings, thoughts, victories, losses, and everything in between. I see the ideas develop and sometimes there's a common theme and suddenly a turn in the road where the theme changes completely. That's ok, because we as humans change throughout our lives. Sometimes it's good to take an unexpected turn and seek out new adventures. Having done that 4 years ago this month, after a year of preparation I only half believed in, I am thrilled that I took the risk. I'm not a risk taker by nature, but when I was talking with a friend the other day, I realized that's not true. I am a risk taker. I do things other people would be too timid to do even if they dream about it. They are not only afraid of change, but they are convinced that where they are is where they should be even if it's not. And they know it. It made me sad talking to my friend and seeing her eyes light up when she spoke about where she knew she wanted to be and then her face falling when she told me all of the reasons why she couldn't be there. The reasons were excuses and words to hide the fear. I hope she takes the risk one day and flies freely to where she wants to be. I hope she can truly be happy without trying--without settling--without desperately seeking out that small spark even if it lasts only a moment.
Just because you want to fulfill your dream doesn't mean you are disappointing others. It may, in fact, be the opposite. They may cheer for you because they always knew.
It's important to document feelings, thoughts, victories, losses, and everything in between. I see the ideas develop and sometimes there's a common theme and suddenly a turn in the road where the theme changes completely. That's ok, because we as humans change throughout our lives. Sometimes it's good to take an unexpected turn and seek out new adventures. Having done that 4 years ago this month, after a year of preparation I only half believed in, I am thrilled that I took the risk. I'm not a risk taker by nature, but when I was talking with a friend the other day, I realized that's not true. I am a risk taker. I do things other people would be too timid to do even if they dream about it. They are not only afraid of change, but they are convinced that where they are is where they should be even if it's not. And they know it. It made me sad talking to my friend and seeing her eyes light up when she spoke about where she knew she wanted to be and then her face falling when she told me all of the reasons why she couldn't be there. The reasons were excuses and words to hide the fear. I hope she takes the risk one day and flies freely to where she wants to be. I hope she can truly be happy without trying--without settling--without desperately seeking out that small spark even if it lasts only a moment.
Just because you want to fulfill your dream doesn't mean you are disappointing others. It may, in fact, be the opposite. They may cheer for you because they always knew.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Making my millions
Starting a blog has always been something I thought about but never did. Over some Bombay Sapphire gin, the idea of blogging came up as a way to make millions. I'm sure it will work. So here I am on my first step of the journey to the lifestyle to which I wish were I accustomed. Perhaps my musings will draw the attention of some hapless web surfer--or maybe someone just looking for a light read. Whatever the case, I'm hoping my ramblings take me further than my back porch.
Thanks for reading and there's bound to be more sapphire later. Both literally and figuratively speaking.
Thanks for reading and there's bound to be more sapphire later. Both literally and figuratively speaking.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
I hate knowing
Just when you think your life is the lowest, most rockbottom excuse for a feeble existence, something comes along to slap you in the face with a large dose of reality. My problems are nothing. People are dying--and not in the figurative sense or the overly dramatic. They find lumps and bumps that are not benign. And we think "wait, aren't we too young for this?" But cancer knows no age, race, gender, sexual orientation...its insidiousness just invades without rhyme or reason until suddenly there are you are face to face with a demon so impossible, it doesn't seem real. But it is real. It's very real. And it's staring you in the face. Fortunately, it's staring AT you, not from you, so you have to be grateful. Or at least a little humbled by your shortcomings of wanting to be thinner, or prettier, or smarter, or more perfect than before. I already feel guilty for saying "fortunately"....for it's never "fortunate" when someone has to face such a horrible obstacle in life. I shouldn't be relived that it's not I....I should be scared and aware and alerted to the fact that the old adage is true. "There but for the grace of G-d go I". Or whatever you believe in. It's all luck. Life is a gamble. You take risks and you go on adventures, never really knowing what's to become of you in the end. It's maddening and horrifying and exciting all at once. Sometimes I just want to hide behind my Sapphire. Just for a moment, I say. Just for a moment until all the demons dissolve and the air is carefree again. But it never lasts. Reality always returns.
And it fucking sucks. (am I allowed to use such language on here? I'll throw a quarter in the jar just in case.) It sucks loudly and proudly and with a soprano scream so piercing it breaks glass half way across the world. It moves oceans and shakes the ground beneath us.
And then I realize that here I am where I began. I'm the same person only different. I know things I never wanted to know. I hate knowing.
And it fucking sucks. (am I allowed to use such language on here? I'll throw a quarter in the jar just in case.) It sucks loudly and proudly and with a soprano scream so piercing it breaks glass half way across the world. It moves oceans and shakes the ground beneath us.
And then I realize that here I am where I began. I'm the same person only different. I know things I never wanted to know. I hate knowing.
Promises broken or forgotten
I always promise myself I'll write more. Months go by and suddenly it dawns on me that I've yet again forgotten or tossed aside the shreds of a promise I had made. So much happens in my life but it happens in my head. I'm not always certain what's real and what is simply my perception or the outside world.
I go through the motions, but I never truly dance. Awkwardly, I stumble and stop.
I never thought I'd make it past 30. I'm 13 years past my expiration date and still slogging along through this thing called life. I'm not even sure where I'm going or where I've been. It all sounds cliche and trite. And it is. Which makes me sad, ashamed, and wishing I were invisible.
I still have the same aspirations as I did at 16 years old. I want to be smarter, prettier, thinner, more successful. Perfect. Such a loaded word, perfect is. I'm not even sure what it means anymore. Perfect sounds so neat and clean, all wrapped up in a pretty box tied with a bow. So constricting and almost a trap. But the temptress perfection draws me in with her convincing lies. The promises that just like mine, are in the end, shattered like pieces of glass at my feet. A reflection of my disappointment--of the disappointment that is me.
Sorry this entry is such a downer. It's not a pity party or anything--just raw emotion. I don't tend to allow myself to feel real emotion anymore. I use other things to numb what really hurts, to blur the pain inside, and mask the tears running down my face. It's an easy fix and although it's only temporary, it works like magic. Sadly, the magic is fleeting and then I'm back in the same place where I began. The emotions bubble up inside me. And the cycle begins anew.
Mia, you're a bitch. Ally, you suck the life out of me. And, Katia, you are evil.
Thank you dear readers....if there are any, for reading this missive.
I go through the motions, but I never truly dance. Awkwardly, I stumble and stop.
I never thought I'd make it past 30. I'm 13 years past my expiration date and still slogging along through this thing called life. I'm not even sure where I'm going or where I've been. It all sounds cliche and trite. And it is. Which makes me sad, ashamed, and wishing I were invisible.
I still have the same aspirations as I did at 16 years old. I want to be smarter, prettier, thinner, more successful. Perfect. Such a loaded word, perfect is. I'm not even sure what it means anymore. Perfect sounds so neat and clean, all wrapped up in a pretty box tied with a bow. So constricting and almost a trap. But the temptress perfection draws me in with her convincing lies. The promises that just like mine, are in the end, shattered like pieces of glass at my feet. A reflection of my disappointment--of the disappointment that is me.
Sorry this entry is such a downer. It's not a pity party or anything--just raw emotion. I don't tend to allow myself to feel real emotion anymore. I use other things to numb what really hurts, to blur the pain inside, and mask the tears running down my face. It's an easy fix and although it's only temporary, it works like magic. Sadly, the magic is fleeting and then I'm back in the same place where I began. The emotions bubble up inside me. And the cycle begins anew.
Mia, you're a bitch. Ally, you suck the life out of me. And, Katia, you are evil.
Thank you dear readers....if there are any, for reading this missive.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Entitled brats
Dear Parents,
Please raise your children to be compassionate, kind, caring people who are aware that the world does not revolve around them. Oh, wait...that would mean YOU would have to adopt those qualities too. Sigh. Every day I see children grab, demand, insist, talk back...only a minute few of the actions that would have landed me in my room for a month. And my room had no TV, no computer, no video games, no phone. My room was filled with books, toys, and other things to be sure, but being sent to my room was no vacation. And my room was small. My twin sized bed took up most of the floor space.
That is all.
Please raise your children to be compassionate, kind, caring people who are aware that the world does not revolve around them. Oh, wait...that would mean YOU would have to adopt those qualities too. Sigh. Every day I see children grab, demand, insist, talk back...only a minute few of the actions that would have landed me in my room for a month. And my room had no TV, no computer, no video games, no phone. My room was filled with books, toys, and other things to be sure, but being sent to my room was no vacation. And my room was small. My twin sized bed took up most of the floor space.
That is all.
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