I'm in disbelief that almost a month has passed and I haven't written a single word! It's not what I intended but it's what happened. I will try to be more diligent in posting content to this blog. Perhaps I can learn from myself and schedule it as part of my (ahem) ROUTINE so it becomes habit and not a chore to be pushed aside or forgotten.
It's mid February and my trip around the sun is almost complete. I will try to forget turning another year older, but the mirror doesn't lie and my age is showing. I need to fight this battle a bit harder and at least conquer the things about which I DO have control. My weight has skyrocketed for reasons I won't go into here. I hate knowing I went from almost underweight to obese in the space of about 15 years. I worked so hard to get to my goal weight and swore I'd never be fat again. And yet here I am. Sigh.
Anxiety abounds and routines, though they save me from a lot of things, don't have the power to erase the feeling of failure that washes over me every time I assess myself and my life. I have an index card that reminds me that I've been here before and I survived. So I have to believe it's true. I will conquer this and I will feel better. Rose colored glasses firmly in place.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Planning really works. It just does. It seems like a daunting task when you start, but once you're in a routine (yay for routines!) it's easy. I just looked at a pile of dishes needing to be put away. I spent more time fretting over doing it than it actually took to do the task. I have overhauled my routines and my planning over the last year--I've described it in some of my earlier posts if you're interested--and it has changed my life. I clean much more efficiently and things that used to take hours and drive me crazy as they piled up in front of my ever increasing anxiety ridden eyes, only take minutes to complete. And it's all because of planning.
I am actually very proud of myself for achieving this goal of being able to say I clean my house efficiently by breaking down into small parts so I never have to say "I have to clean my entire house today". And nothing gets a chance to get totally foul when it's cleaned on a regular basis.
There are a few other (ok, more than a few!) things for which I need to use this same method, but progress has been made. Let's see how much I can accomplish this year!
2017, we're going to get even MORE organized! Bring it on!
Tomorrow marks the end of an era. Tomorrow marks the end of America as I've always known it--the place where dreams are possible, diversity is celebrated, and where it's ok to love who you love. Clearly, I was wrong about this country. I don't recognize it anymore. I hear voices I've never heard and they scream hateful things about people who are different. And by different, I mean not white and Christian. Never in my life have I felt so empty as I feel knowing that we are going to be in the hands of a monster.
People say stay and fight like hell. I want to run. People say make your voice heard. I can't find my voice. I'm disappointed, sad, scared, and disgusted. I'm ashamed and I feel defeated. Maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe this IS what America always was but the colors were never allowed to shine through because somehow, good people made them fade for a while. But there is no more fading, and while there are good people, there just aren't enough. We've been defeated. America is dying. Maybe it's dead already.
I hope against hope that this nightmare will end and we'll all escape unscathed. But I fear the worst. I fear torture, alienation, and the wrath of a dictator so power hungry, he cannot tell the difference between the twitter click and the bomb click.
Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst--and I can't even fathom what the worst is going to be.
Sometimes I sit down to write and nothing come out. Yet, in the dead of night when I should be sleeping, my brain runs wild with ideas and worries and thoughts of everything from from what to wear the next day to how I'm going to survive the next 4 years. I want to write more and write meaningful, thought provoking content, but I'm not sure I do much more than ramble. I guess it's ok, though. It's not like anyone's reading it!
The days have been dreary and cold lately--very unlike the place where I live. I find myself feeling less motivated, less interested, and more sluggish. Could be the weather, could be me, could be a combination of wanting to throw in the towel and say this country sucks and I'm tired of all the asshat twatwad fkturds. And the orange cheeto.
Where do you get your inspiration? What moves you so much that words come flowing out like a river?
Just like so many others, I am looking at a new year and thinking about new beginnings, fresh starts, and reaching new goals. I attempt to approach this with a bit of reality and a bit of cautious optimism.
Here are some of my goals for 2017:
1. Be kinder to myself and others
2. Be more patient with myself and others
3. Focus on health
4. Spend more time with friends
5. Get and stay organized
6. Save more money
7. Sing more
8. Delete toxic people/things from my life
I'm sure I could keep going, but 8 things seems quite lofty so I'll keep it here. I hope I can keep at least ONE of these resolutions. I look back on past years and wonder how all of those promises I made to myself got lost in such a short time. How easily I make promises to myself and how easily I can forget them or make excuses for not keeping them. I want to change. I want this year to be different. I want to be true to myself and not do things because I think it will please others, but because I want to better myself.
Here's to a great 2017.
Cheers!
Sometimes it's easy to be anonymous and hide behind a computer screen terrorizing, bullying, and berating people you don't know. These days, it's too easy and I wish something would be done. I recently was bullied, harassed, and quite frankly, scared out of my gourd by some crazy lunatic. Guess what? He/She is anonymous. Of course. But this anonymous presence is all over the internet in many forms. Their sole purpose is to spread hate. And fear.
I am afraid when I write anything online for fear it will lead some lunatic to my real identity and I'll suffer consequences beyond my understanding. I'm afraid when I walk the streets, that someone will think it's fun to terrorize me. I feel broken and scared. I always considered myself strong, but now I wonder how many cracks are in that thick skin of mine. How many of these cracks are growing larger and weaker until I completely fall to pieces and crumble.
The world is a scary place. Be care of what you put out there. The men in masks are coming to get you.
Don't worry, you'll know them when you see them. And when you do, RUN!
The world seems so broken these days and my Type A personality tells me it's my duty, my responsibility, my obligation to be productive and to help others. I feel guilty when I stop and take time for myself. When I say "no" or when I decline an invitation because I just need a day off from the world.
I have to be reminded that it's ok and even NECESSARY to take time for myself. It's always a good thing when I do it, though. I feel so much better and interact with friends more easily and with more patience than if I do not give myself the time to replenish.
This picture also brings to mind the fact that we do not have to fix everything. Sometimes it's ok to walk away and let things be broken or let others try to manage them. In the end, we often find, that broken isn't really destroyed, just scattered or in lots of pieces that become their own whole.
Enjoy yourself this holiday season and find peace somewhere if only for a moment.
