It's one of those weeks where I don't have the entire week to do my daily tasks. So what do I do? Well, first I freak out because that means an interruption in my routine. Then, I calm down (sort of), climb down from the chandelier and realize I can do this. I can plan ahead and leave a clean, organized house and come back to things planned for after I return.
Instead of taking the weekend off, I will count it as part of the week. Please note that while in theory, this is calming, it's also anxiety producing because it's not my routine. And I don't like that. But I shall soldier on.
Saturday: Kitchen
Sunday: diningroom/desk
Monday: livingroom
Tuesday: Bedroom
Wednesday: bathroom/back hall
DONE!
Plan two weeks of life, work, and whatever else and take those "extra" days away and have fun!
Hopefully, this works. I need it to work. I'm worried and anxious and crazy over it. I am looking forward to going away and having fun, but I need everything in its place before I can breathe again.
I have no idea what this even means, but it has the word "song" and it's purple. So it's perfect! :)
I'm dusting myself off, digging deep to find that confidence I once had, and going for it. I have decided to kick down the wall I built around myself and put myself out there. I may get rejected but I can't say I didn't try.
And no, I'm not talking about dating. Because that's not happening. I've sworn off dating. People are strange and never who they say they are on those online dating sites (yes, I've tried them all) and besides that, I attract people who can't commit. Except after I break up with them and they marry someone else. So yeah...whatever. But that's not what I'm talking about here.
I'm talking about singing. Yes, singing. I'm dusting off the old confidence and singing like I used to do when I felt every emotion as I sang through the phrases--even those I never believed. I found something in the music or the text to hang my emotions on. And I sang like I never sang before. Where did that confidence go? I let something crush me and I should not have allowed it. So, I'm getting up, and I'm going to go out there and SING. I'm going to sing like I mean it and if it's not appreciated, then fk 'em.
As I have said a million jillion times, I like routines. I like predictability. I like planning. But....I don't like boring. So how do you reconcile the two? I mean, if day after day, you have routines that are planned and predictable, don't you get bored? And doesn't life become mundane? I don't know the answer to that question. Sometimes I want to go out and do something different--change it up a bit--but then I come back to my "safety net". My routines.
I think today I will declutter my mind and my apartment. It's a routine and it will change things up as I will get rid of things that no longer need to be taking up space. But first, I must do my real work.
I want to be in this picture with all of the purple.
I got a great piece of advice today. I was bemoaning the fact that being on a committee with people who are (surprise!) not type A and don't plan and can't make decisions, was at best, troubling and at worst infuriating. I was about to explode. I had been trying to find that middle ground where everyone would feel warm and fuzzy but things would be efficient. I never got there. And it bothered me. I found myself in the place between "F*ck you, I'll just do it my damn self because it's easier" and "F*ck you, I QUIT!". After talking for a while, my friend suggested I look at this another way. Without belittling or invalidating my feelings, she reminded me of someone who would be so proud of where this group is now and of all the things that happened since she died. She wanted nothing more than for this group to thrive, grow, flourish, and keep excelling even after her death. And we have done just that! So this year's celebration is in her honor. I will honor her spirit as I know she would have loved to celebrate with us, this one-in-a-lifetime milestone for a group such as ours. Even if I have to "do it my damn self" I'm still honoring her and remembering that she shaped this group into the community we are and gave us the tenacious spirit to move forward. We haven't lost that--it may be hidden beneath the drama and other things, but it's there. I'm dusting off my tenacity and my love for what this group is at its core. And I'm doing this for her.
xoxox, my friend. I miss you every day.
I've learned a great deal about myself and also about what happens when we establish routines in our lives. Even if yours aren't as (ahem) rigid as mine, you can still have routines or plan your day/week in some fashion. Anyway, I have learned a few things along the way in my "getting organized" journey.
1. It IS possible to get everything done in a week if you plan it out. For instance, designating each day to cleaning a specific part of my apartment has ensured that by the end of the week, it's all clean. And it also means that there is no single day when I face hours and hours of cleaning in addition to the rest of my daily tasks.
2. Planning when to do certain tasks like laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying always means that you, again, don't have a day when you stare down a mountain of tasks all at once. They get done on their designated day and you move on. And quite frankly, it's a lot less intimidating when I know I only have ONE task to complete rather than 4 or 5. I'm less likely to put it off or decide to move it to the next day when I know it will only take me less than an hour at most.
3. Careful planning and staying organized means more free time! Who doesn't want more free time? Time to do what you love whether it be watch your favorite TV show, read a book, play games on facebook, watch YouTube videos, or go do things with friends.
4. Everything doesn't have to take hours and hours. I used to think cleaning my apartment and getting rid of things, decluttering, and donating/tossing/giving away meant an entire day's worth of exhausting arduous work. Not so. With a plan in place, doing a little at a time means no exhausting arduous days. Yes, it takes discipline to stick to the plan, but once you get going and becomes habit, it seems rather mundane and you "expect" it. It's not a surprise or something you put off until it absolutely MUST be done or you'll have no clothes to wear. (laundry).
5. I've discovered the art of multi-tasking. One chore and one fun thing. I can listen to a podcast while I fold my laundry. I can watch my favorite TV show while I wait for the kitchen floor to dry.
There's, of course multi-tasking with two chores--while waiting for the laundry, vacuum the carpet. While waiting for the floor to dry in the kitchen, clean out the closet or take donations to Goodwill or wherever you donate them.
All of this not only saves me time and anxiety, but it keeps me feeling safer somehow. Safer as I fly through this chaotic world in my Type A way. I'm still working on things both Type A and not, but it's a journey and it's worth taking.
Seriously, I'm struggling. This world is not a place where I fit in. I'm not talking about clothes, and keeping up with Joneses or whatever--I'm talking about being a person who wants everything in its place, neat and tidy, and clean. A person who wants --no NEEDS--for people to answer their email/phone call/text in a timely fashion when it pertains to work or something for which I am responsible. Nothing irks me more than being held up on doing my job because I don't have an answer from someone. And then I wrestle with how much follow up is too much? Is 2 days too soon to send a "gentle reminder"? Is a week long enough? That "gentle reminder" is really more like ANSWER ME NOW OR I AM GOING to EXPLODE AND FURTHERMORE IF I DO NOT HEAR FROM YOU I WILL ARRANGE THINGS MYSELF AND ASSUME YOUR OPINION IS NOT NEEDED. But that's not how the world is and as soon as I were to do that, I would certainly get an answer back. I just don't know how some people get out of bed in the morning and go to work. I don't even know how they keep their jobs! UGH.
So if you don't mind, could you get it done by yesterday? Thanks. I'm now going to lose sleep over everything that is out of my control. #TypeA #OCD #Perfectionist #worryisme
People say they would never know of my penchant for keeping to a schedule for cleaning, organizing, and even feeling better when I plan what day I will do laundry and errands. They say they wouldn't know these are some of the things that plague my sleep at night and keep me feeling short of breath or on the edge of sanity. People seem to think my "issues" are invisible. It's not that they do not believe me when I tell them, but they say it wouldn't have occurred to them if I hadn't.
Yet, I feel quite the opposite. I feel like every inch of my being screams OCD!!! TYPE A PERSONALITY!! RIGID!! INFLEXIBLE!!! HATES CHANGE AND SURPRISES!!! I feel conspicuously tied to routines and the safety of how they "need" to happen when I schedule them. Sometimes I'm proud and sometimes I'm ashamed that I get fidgety and anxious when I have to go to a meeting before I've had time to do my daily cleaning/organizing. Or the fact that I cannot CANNOT go on with my day before riding my exercycle. (not that it shows in my fatness (no I didn't mean fitness), but that's another story).
I feel trapped and yet I feel safe all at the same time. I don't feel "normal" but what's normal anyway? Some say it's a setting on a washing machine. I've always wanted to fit in (or so I thought) but I never did and I know I never will, nor do I want to--not really. I mean, hello, I have purple hair. (with a few unintended pink streaks...)
So am I invisible or completely obvious? That is the question.
