Another trip around the sun

As a facebook friend so eloquently put it, I've completed another trip around the sun. It was a crazy, exciting, awesome year to be sure, but the marking of the event this year was lackluster. I was half happy about that since I'm not a fan of getting older, but I was a bit sad that I had no specific plans except to add wine to a meeting I was running that evening. Ah well. No need for fanfare, I suppose.
I'm just astonished that I'm thirty-sixteen...ahem, 46. Creeping closer to the big FIVE-OH scares the hell out of me. It's quite paradoxical because I always thought I'd be dead by 30 (that's a whole other blog that I will refrain from getting into now). and so I never feared getting old because I didn't think I would. To me "old" meant 35. Now I face my mortality and that of my parents as well. Oy. Thinking about it and how I have absolutely no control over it whatsoever, gives me anxiety beyond belief. And I already have enough of that.
I'm still torn between, how do I get out of the rest of my life and please don't let me or anyone else die.

On another note, yet another person in my life confided in me that she has what she believes is anxiety. It's always strange to me to find more and more people I know suffer with this ailment. It's so common and yet so secretive much of the time. I'm grateful for medication and how it has saved me from myself. I'm sad for everyone who has to face this demon because it sucks the life out of you.

Well, that was uplifting. I wonder if anyone reads this?

That little place of success

I never wanted to be a professional singer. I knew that the competition would wear me out mentally and physically and I simply wasn't interested in making music to be "better" than someone else. I wanted to teach and so I did. But there was a part of me that wanted to sing too. I found my place in this most wonderful choir where I discovered I had a voice that people wanted to hear--that deserved to be heard. I grew and my confidence came with every new song I sang. I had finally found my little place of happiness in the performing world. It was a lot of work and a lot of trusting (I'm not good at that) but it was well worth it. I felt happy about where I was--I wasn't going to the Met, but I was singing as well as I could and happy with what I had. Suddenly, it was taken away from me and I didn't even realize it until later.

A crushing rejection was the beginning of my defeat. I was in one of the happiest places emotionally when this all came to be. I didn't see it coming and I had no notion of how it would affect me so deep down in my core. I suddenly felt like there was something choking me when I sang. I was no longer good enough and I couldn't find "my" voice anymore. I was lost and confused. I wasn't sure I wanted to sing anymore. I'm still not sure.

No apologies have been made and the crushing seems to be a distant memory for most. I've been told to "let it go" or "forget it". I can't and I won't. A huge part of who I thought I was was ripped from my heart. And it cannot be repaired.

I am still seeking my place in the performance world. Maybe one day I will find it again.

Fail

I always think I will write more on my  blog (that nobody reads anyway) but somehow a month has passed and here I am having written absolutely nothing. Sigh. My life is crazy and busy and filled with lots to talk about, but somehow I sit down and it all becomes mundane and boring.

I've recently become friends with an ex. Is that even possible? I've never been successful with that before but this time seems different--almost dangerous, though. Not sure what to make of it, but we've hung out twice now and I have to consciously avoid that simmer of tension (ahem) that I know is there. This is why I do not befriend my exes. I cut the cord and move the hell on. Also, I've gained about 50 pounds since we dated and how can he not notice this? Ugh.

That off my chest, I'll move on to other things in no particular order:
-I think I've lost my mind--recently sent an email to the wrong recipient and it didn't go over well.
I kind of told this person off and insinuated that she sucked banana feet (which she did but I didn't exactly say that, she had to read between the lines).

-I am burned out on my volunteer job and feel unappreciated and as though nobody gives a crap about my feelings anymore. They're probably waiting for the day when the baton is handed to my successor. Believe me, I'm waiting too.

-I'm still fat. Enough said.

I guess that's all. I feel like this blog needs an overhaul. I'll get on that. Oh--and I do NOT feel the Bern. Team Hillary over here.
GO HILLARY!

If you don't have anything nice to say...

Please don't say anything. I have a neighbor--you know "that" neighbor--the one who is always up in everyone's business, talks trash about everyone, thinks she's always right, has no filter, and basically ends up being a nuisance rather than the "model citizen" she believes herself to be. Well, I'm sorry you didn't like the dresser I got for free many years ago when I had none and I was too poor to buy one. I had painted it and freshened it up, and quite frankly, it was a good dresser for many years. Recently, I had put it out for removal since it had gotten old, was worn out, and I had a replacement from a family member. This "kind" neighbor proclaimed it ugly. Honey, the only thing ugly here is YOU and what YOU said. She said of a perfectly good rocking chair I had put out for free to anyone who wanted it, "nobody wants that. It's fat city here". Well, excuse me, but I don't live in "fat city" and maybe YOU don't want it, but someone else might. So I took it back, cleaned it up, and am ready to give it another chance at life.
And yes, I took those plants back to my deck because I don't want you to care for them. They're not yours. The ones I left outside by the front are the ones YOU put there. They were never mine. I'm tempted to put them back in front of YOUR door.

This little apartment building used to be a friendly, fun place. Now this one person has soured it. I want to move but can't afford to do so. I'm sad that one person has turned my living situation into a constant worry she'll knock on my door or see me walking in/out or whatever. I wish SHE would move. And her stupid dog too. (sorry, but her dog is in need of therapy as is she!)

New year's resolutions

They seem to be the same every year. I always vow to lose 1000 pounds, get organized, and save more money. And here I am yet again with the very same resolutions. Why is it that they do not work? Are they inherently flawed or are they just unreasonable? I wonder if I should start thinking about different resolutions or not making them at all since I always end up in December feeling ashamed and disappointed. About 2 (3?) years ago, I made a resolution to exercise every day no matter what and I have to say I have stuck to that. It hasn't made a difference in anything but my ability to blow off steam-which, if you know me, is a huge thing. Ahem.
I would just like to achieve that smaller body I know is inside hiding under this fat, blob I've become. I don't even know how I got here. Sigh. I could go back to my "ways" and sometimes I do, but I need to commit to something...ANYTHING. This is not working and I seem to be getting larger and larger. And not in a good way.

So here I say once again:
I will lose 50 pounds (hopefully more but that is a nice round number to start with--can't help but notice the irony of the word "round").

I will save more money--seems like I should be able to do this since I got a better paying job.

I will be more organized--clean up computer files and not let papers pile up.

Ready.....set.....GO!!!!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Keep your opinion to yourself

Seriously, the old adage "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" really rings true here. Every time....EVERY FUCKING TIME....someone comes to a concert where I perform and has some snide remark about "who chose that music?" or "that composer needs his ears checked". Comments like this have been thrown my way for the last 18 years after every concert. Finally, I snapped. I said "this music is amazing and we love it!" Silence. After a series of breaking confidences, I was told I was over sensitive and should not take it personally. The use of "atonal" was thrown around very nonchalantly and in this case, incorrectly. If you're going to be an assjack, at least use the correct vocabulary.

I hope this person never comes back to a concert again. I will NOT stop being offended by his asshat remarks, nor will I stop telling him his opinions are not welcome unless I specifically ask. Which I won't. Some people really suck.

Then there are those who go over and above to be supportive. I love those people.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Not. I hate this time of year. It's busy. It's crazy. I'm over-scheduled, over tired, over worked, and just generally trying to keep my head above water until the holiday break. Thank goodness (knock on wood) I am not sick right now save a little coughing and snarfling from allergies or whatever. I am grateful for my life and all of the wonderful things in it, but this time of year kicks my purple ass.
I just want it to be done so I can catch a few extra Z's and recharge my batteries.

All of my parents (yes, all of them) are coming to visit starting tomorrow. I have to be happy and jolly while they are here. In between visiting, I have to attend work events, perform in a concert which they have come to hear, and get all of my ducks in a row for the things I need to do. I've bought next to no holiday gifts and have no idea when I will get to that. Oy and vey and I'm too old for this.

Ok enough grousing. I really am grateful for all of my family and friends who support me in my crazy life and never tell me anything but "you'll make it!" and "you can do it!".