Passions for Purple

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Mia is back

Well, despite my efforts (or not), Mia is back in full force. I must admit, I kind of invited her in and said it was ok if she stayed a while. Now she's here and I'm fully ensconced in the world of mia. For those of you who do not know what I'm talking about, "mia" is slang for a deadly eating disorder. I would say it out loud--or in this case, spell it out, but something strange keeps me from doing so. It's as though if I write the word or say it, it makes it real. If I just "allude" to it, it's not really happening. It's just an idea. Right. I'm pretty amazed I've made it this far in life with all the years I spent with Ana, Mia, and Katia. Please don't make me say it...google those terms and see what you get.
And please don't judge. It's hard and it's evil and I judge myself enough for the whole world, so I don't need anyone else helping me out. Thanks.

I'm just so desperate to be perfect, whatever that is. I look in the mirror and see a failure in so many ways. I'm fat, I'm unattractive, I'm short, I'm just not good enough. My hair sticks out no matter how many times I run it through the flat iron. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to be seen in public. Or anywhere. Sigh. I've invited Mia with open arms because I'm too weak to keep Ana around. I think about Katia all too much but I've kept her at bay for over a year now. The others have always been there, just not always in the forefront.

In a way, it's comforting to have my old crutches around me. I'm embarking on many new adventures these days and the anxiety of that is getting the best of me. I need a crutch or two, right? If only my crutches were as socially acceptable as my friend Sapphire. At least that's acceptable and I don't have to feel anything then. Think I'll have one now.

If you're reading this, I hope you're doing well.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Flying off the handle

Or hanging from the chandelier. The littlest things get to me these days. I can't pin-point it, but I seem to be quite unable to cope with anything that throws me the slightest bit off kilter. I never was good at change without notice, nor have I ever been good at "going with the flow". I need order, structure, and reliability. I'm kind of OCD that way.

As I said in my last post, I kid of invited Mia in the door and she is surely here. I'm still fat and gross, though, so I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Sigh. The fact that my skin is covered in hives and eczema or whatever the hell the rash-of-the-day is, doesn't help me feel good either. I have the most itchy, sensitive skin in the world. If anyone out there is reading this, please send a cure!

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I'm not sure it matter since I don't know if anyone reads this blog anyway. If you're out there (either literally or figuratively or both), let me know. If you know me in real life or if you think you do, you never saw this.

Time for more Sapphire to dull the pain.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

And I never knew her

I never met her, but I felt like I knew her. She was an avid youtuber and though I began watching her videos for her diet advice, I ended up following her through her journey with triple negative breast cancer. She fought and she fought hard. Through it all, I felt as if I knew her as a friend. I felt as though I knew her family too. Her cute little daughter who finally took her first steps and I cried with joy. Her amazingly dedicated 20-something daughter who took care of her little sister and showed love unlike any I've seen on youtube. And her husband--the rock of the family. I know inside he was in great pain, but he always seemed to be the rock of the family--at least on youtube.

Well, Christina died today. She died. I knew it was coming as I've been through it with real life friends before. I saw the signs--the look in her eyes, the color of her skin, the sound of her voice, the way she spoke so much as though she were in another world already. I never met this woman and yet I feel a huge loss. My heart aches for her family and friends. My heart aches for ME. And she wouldn't have known me if I walked by her. But she was a constant in my life. I watched her videos religiously and waited with bated breath for each one to be posted. At the end, they were less frequent, but still I waited. I keep going to her channel to see if anything is posted. Then it hits me. She is gone. And I never knew her.

Tears. Sadness. Anger. Fuck you, cancer. Fuck you. I hate you. I hate cancer. I hope to see a day when cancer is obliterated from the planet--from our lives. FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

If I want your opinion....

I'll give it to you!

This is how my week has gone. I've come to realize that my opinion is not always wanted--it's validation of another's opinion that is what is being solicited. I try to choose my words carefully, try to be empathetic, try to be kind, and yet, I seem to land in the whirlwind of the mad hatter.

I have learned a lot about what it means to be a good leader. I've learned a lot about what it means to be an ineffective leader. Suffice it to say, I've been learning a great deal--which brings me to my next point. I've been taking classes and finding that the road I'm on isn't the one that's taking me where I want to go. I long to veer off the path and into unchartered territory where I know I could be happier. I want to spread my wings (oh how trite!) and try something new. I've finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

I always thought I'd teach forever. I love teaching. I love the children and watching them learn--watching that "ah ah" moment when they finally get it. But then I get a glimpse of what else is out there and I wonder if that wouldn't make me feel more fulfilled.

I don't know the answer. I love everything I do for different reasons and as always, I want to do it all. I want to make a difference in this world. I definitely need a change.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Christmas Eve and almost to the end of the year

Why is it that Christmas eve always signifies the year's impending unstoppable, screeching halt? Another year has gone by and yet I sit here thinking about all that I had hoped to accomplish over the last year. In a way, I've accomplished a lot. In another way, I'm still sitting here wishing I were thinner, smarter, richer (in the $ department), and, wondering if these are just impossible dreams that I should forget.

At this time of year, I reflect about many things. I reflect about how lucky I am to have such amazing friends who care so much about me even when I don't deserve it. My family deserves the same recognition. I can really be a pill sometimes. I also know I'm generous to a fault, kind, caring, and loyal. So, as you can see, there is a paradox here.

I'm thinking of new year's resolutions and how I can make them attainable instead of the same old ones I break every year. I want to lose 50 pounds, get a job in nonprofit management, and live a more grown up life. I want to stop making excuses for what I know I can do if I set my mind to it. I want to travel more and not be a slave to my work. I need to learn the art of saying "no" and the art grace under pressure.

So much to learn. I'm half way through my life and I still have more questions than answers. How did I get this old?! Another question to ponder.

Well, with that, I wish you a happy holiday with everything you love and all the things that matter most to you.

Here's to 2015!!

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I should have written this long ago, but somehow life got in the way. I hope this reaches you in good health and happiness as we begin a fresh new year. It’s hard to believe 2014 flew by like it did. So much happened! In addition to teaching preschool through Second grade music, my “Special People” who are the most amazing humans anyone could ever know, I started an adventure in nonprofit management. I’ve completed 5 out of 7 classes for the certificate and am pondering taking my career in a new direction when I finish in April. The type A personality in me enjoys the challenge of management and putting forth new ideas to make things better. So many possibilities are out there! I never knew so many wonderful ways existed to make my mark on the world.

Of course, I’ve been singing in PWC, which in fact, inspired me to look into nonprofit management. All of my volunteer work there has made me realize I can make a career out of what I do for “fun”. Time shall tell if this dream comes true. Speaking of dreams, the PWC will travel to Argentina in August! I’m so lucky to have been afforded these opportunities with my beloved chorus. Never did I think I’d see so much of the world in this wonderful way.

In between teaching and singing, I’ve spent time with the best people in the world—my friends. They are a wacky, quirky, amazingly understanding and supportive group of people. I am lucky to know all of them. They love me anyway. And that’s no small thing. I fly off the handle, I have my meltdowns, I have my opinions about everything, I have my crazy purple pie-in-the-sky dreams, and still they stick by me. They celebrate with me when I’m happy, and they pick up the pieces when things shatter. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends.

My family is the same way. I’m fortunate.

I wish you all a year filled with happiness, health, and everything that makes you happy.

I hope you find adventure and things you never knew you never knew.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Hold fast to dreams and to those you love

Life can be quite unfair at times. On Friday, January 9, my beautiful stepsister lost her husband of 24 years to a massive heart attack. He was home alone and found sitting in his favorite chair just as if he'd been resting for a moment. Such a shock to all. I cannot believe he's gone. It seems so surreal. I apologize for the randomness of this entry, but I cannot seem to wrap my thoughts in a nice neat package in order to explain the emptiness I feel. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose the one you love without warning, without notice, without any chance to say goodbye. My heart aches for my sister and her 3 young daughters who will never see their father again. Such a tragedy. Hold on to the ones you love. Hold them tight and say everything you need to say. Say it now because you never know when it will be too late.