Where does the Inspiration Come From?

Sometimes I sit down to write and nothing come out. Yet, in the dead of night when I should be sleeping, my brain runs wild with ideas and worries and thoughts of everything from from what to wear the next day to how I'm going to survive the next 4 years. I want to write more and write meaningful, thought provoking content, but I'm not sure I do much more than ramble. I guess it's ok, though. It's not like anyone's reading it!

The days have been dreary and cold lately--very unlike the place where I live. I find myself feeling less motivated, less interested, and more sluggish. Could be the weather, could be me, could be a combination of wanting to throw in the towel and say this country sucks and I'm tired of all the asshat twatwad fkturds. And the orange cheeto.

Where do you get your inspiration? What moves you so much that words come flowing out like a river?

New Year, New Start

Just like so many others, I am looking at a new year and thinking about new beginnings, fresh starts, and reaching new goals. I attempt to approach this with a bit of reality and a bit of cautious optimism. 
Here are some of my goals for 2017:

1. Be kinder to myself and others
2. Be more patient with myself and others
3. Focus on health
4. Spend more time with friends
5. Get and stay organized
6. Save more money
7. Sing more
8. Delete toxic people/things from my life

I'm sure I could keep going, but 8 things seems quite lofty so I'll keep it here. I hope I can keep at least ONE of these resolutions. I look back on past years and wonder how all of those promises I made to myself got lost in such a short time. How easily I make promises to myself and how easily I can forget them or make excuses for not keeping them. I want to change. I want this year to be different. I want to be true to myself and not do things because I think it will please others, but because I want to better myself.

Here's to a great 2017.
Cheers!

Being Anonymous

Sometimes it's easy to be anonymous and hide behind a computer screen terrorizing, bullying, and berating people you don't know. These days, it's too easy and I wish something would be done. I recently was bullied, harassed, and quite frankly, scared out of my gourd by some crazy lunatic. Guess what? He/She is anonymous. Of course. But this anonymous presence is all over the internet in many forms. Their sole purpose is to spread hate. And fear.

I am afraid when I write anything online for fear it will lead some lunatic to my real identity and I'll suffer consequences beyond my understanding. I'm afraid when I walk the streets, that someone will think it's fun to terrorize me. I feel broken and scared. I always considered myself strong, but now I wonder how many cracks are in that thick skin of mine. How many of these cracks are growing larger and weaker until I completely fall to pieces and crumble. 

The world is a scary place. Be care of what you put out there. The men in masks are coming to get you.
Don't worry, you'll know them when you see them. And when you do, RUN!

Allowing ourselves to rest

The world seems so broken these days and my Type A personality tells me it's my duty, my responsibility, my obligation to be productive and to help others. I feel guilty when I stop and take time for myself. When I say "no" or when I decline an invitation because I just need a day off from the world.

I have to be reminded that it's ok and even NECESSARY to take time for myself. It's always a good thing when I do it, though. I feel so much better and interact with friends more easily and with more patience than if I do not give myself the time to replenish.

This picture also brings to mind the fact that we do not have to fix everything. Sometimes it's ok to walk away and let things be broken or let others try to manage them. In the end, we often find, that broken isn't really destroyed, just scattered or in lots of pieces that become their own whole.

Enjoy yourself this holiday season and find peace somewhere if only for a moment.

Bittersweetness

As always the month of December is crazy--filled with teaching, singing, obligations, and seemingly more than could possibly fit into every day. But as always, I got through it--or almost anyway. With just 10 days until the new year, I look back with a bittersweetness in my heart. Another year has flown by.  It is a year I'm happy to say farewell to--and yet I fear what's ahead. I look back and forth and I'm not sure where I want to be anymore. 

I fear we have a long road ahead and that my routines will be turned upside down and inside out no matter what I do. Do I flee the country and live out my dream of spending time in another country or if I stay here and endure the wrath that is sure to burn me? The answer isn't clear. I struggle.

Also on my mind are the things I've said and done. I have regrets and triumphs. I'm sorry to those whom I've wronged. I am proud of my successes and the successes of others.

It's always a funny time of year when it comes to a close. It needs a word more descriptive than bittersweet.

Ranting and frothing in my insane crisis

(Thank you, Walt Whitman, for that title!)

I feel like I've gone off the deep end. I started this blog with the intention of talking about my Type A life and my routines, cleaning, organization, and other things that make me feel a little more in control in this crazy world. In the last few months, I've lost my grip on whatever control I had. I seem to have hurled myself off into an abyss where chaos and cacophony abound. I find myself screaming at unknown people who've tweeted some political tidbit or getting riled up because things are not going the way I planned. I'm not a person I like anymore. But I cannot escape myself.
So I try to keep my eyes forward and my head down, but I keep looking to the side and getting distracted. 

Ironically, distraction is a tool that often helps me STAY in control when I feel like I'm falling. I've used it to keep myself from engaging in harmful behavior. But somehow, the distractions are the harmful behaviors. I'm so confused.

I just want a clean and organized life. I want to know when and where things are happening and what to expect when I get there. I want to be able to balance my work and play without feeling like I have no "me time" to recharge my batteries. 

I feel like this:

And I want to be like this: 

When your careful plans blow up

I did my research and I gave it serious thought. I weighed pros and cons and talked to people when I could. I found 3 viable options. Then it all blew up in my face because all three options involve something I do not have--money. WTF? To achieve my dreams, I'd have to bankrupt myself. I don't think all is lost, but right now, that's what it seems like to me. BIG SIGH. How do people do this? How do they figure things out and not end up homeless? I know I don't have the best information on any of my options, but I thought I had enough to go on. Apparently not. I stopped the train, backed the truck up, and am sitting here where I started only a little more deflated than angry.

I'm trying to stick to my safe routines and tell myself it will all be ok in the end. Because after all, if it's not ok, then it's not the end. Or something.

Last night I saw one of the funniest comedians on the planet. If he'd marry me, I'd go anywhere for him. But he won't and I'm not. He uses the F word a lot and I like it. I like his rants and his unabashed anger towards the establishment. Whatever the fk that is. He's awesome. And sometimes he gets so angry, you can't understand him at all. That's when I laugh the hardest. I needed those laughs last night. I'm so lucky I got them.

So now I need to keep marching forward and try to think of how I can turn my plans into reality. It's not as easy and neat as I thought it would be, but I have to believe it's possible.
Everything's possible if you want it enough.