When something you love becomes a source of stress

I love to sing.  Singing always gives me life and energy and it allows me to express myself in a way that's seemingly impossible through any other medium. I'm able to access emotions I never knew I had. I'm able to be someone I didn't know I was or never knew I could be. It's always been my escape from myself so to speak.

Lately, I've not found joy in singing. I shun it--I find other things to do. When I do sing, my inner critic immediately starts telling me I'm no good, why even bother, everyone else is better, so stop trying. Get another hobby. My inner critic says that about a lot of things. I suppose if I listened to everything my critic tells me, I'd basically be under my covers for the rest of my life. Or worse.

What happens when we burn on out something? Is it too much of a good thing? Is it time to figure out how to do that very same thing in a different way? In my case, that would mean where else can I sing that is different from where I am now? What other avenues are there? Are there untapped places where my talents might be appreciated and loved? Should I do some research? Or should I deal with the root of the problem which may not be singing at all--but something inside me that feels unworthy or anything?

I wish I had more answers than questions. I wish a lot of things.

Why am I still awake?

I promised myself I'd be in bed 30 minutes ago and yet here I am surfing the internet, scrolling through facebook, twitter, and youtube, and now writing this blog entry. I can't make my brain turn off. It's hard to unwind after a busy day. I guess I never found a routine for that. I'm thinking perhaps I should. By nature, I'm a night owl which doesn't bode well for the days when I must rise early (and attempt to shine!) to go teach eager students about the wonders of music.

I remember a phone call I was supposed to make, an email I was supposed to send, a visual I wanted to use in class tomorrow. It's all so unnerving and not conducive to relaxing. 

I need a routine. Any out there?

Seasons

Seasons change and people change and things change. Sometimes I wish the changes were easier to swallow. Sometimes I wish the changes were things I long for like more happiness or more money. (yes, I said it). But then there are those changes that come along suddenly, unnoticed until they are complete and you stare at them wondering how they managed to happen even though you thought you were watching the whole time. Those are the ones that hurt inside. They rattle me and make me question my beliefs and the way my striving to "save myself" with routines and planning can still not be strong enough to hold up against these changes.

I reflect a lot on myself--how I think, how I work with others, how I interact, and how I always try to be kind but sometimes my kindness and support is not perceived as such. I used to pride myself on my ability to convey my feelings in the written word, but now I fear it's just that kind of communication that gets me into trouble. But why do I always think it's MY fault? How can it be only me? Doesn't the other person play a role too? I think they do. Not to dismiss my own faults (and I have many) but it takes two to tango, as they say. Or in this case, two to tangle. Everything is tangled and I cannot unravel it. 

Sometimes you have to walk away even if only for a brief moment, to collect yourself and decide what you can and cannot accept. After soul searching, I have decided what I can and cannot accept in friendships, relationships, colleagues, and people in general. My list may be different from yours and maybe my list changes just like the seasons. Change is hard. But I can conquer it. I just have to look at what good comes of it in the end. I remember that saying about a caterpillar who becomes a butterfly after being trapped in a cocoon. It grows wings and flies. I want that kind of change. 

Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye bye
-Elton John 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7DJVSHGjSY

Being found and praying to a deity in whom I do not believe

Ok, so I've been found here. I don't know how that makes me feel. Suddenly I worry about whether this blog is even worth reading or just a silly excuse for me to spew out my inner thoughts whenever I please. I don't edit, I don't even try to write well--it just all comes pouring out somehow. I look at the titles of my entries and many of them harp on the same thing and then there are those rogue posts that have nothing to with anything. Is that ok? Is that a thing? What re the rules and regulations of blogging anyway? Oy.

Speaking of oy, I am not at all religious. I do not believe in "the man upstairs" or whatever. I was advised to pray about something and all I came up with was this:

Dear Goddess of all things purple and sunflowers and Italian ,

Please grant me the serenity to deal with my colorful family. Please grant me the wisdom not to strangle them. Please grant me the fastest getaway car if I do. 

Amen. Ahem. Alleluia. Ave Maria. Haysoos Kreestay 

Kyrie Eleison

Shalom

Barack Obama at a Adonai elohenu ahem 

And this

Barack Obama Adonai Eloheinu Watermelon hamentaschen. A---(chow)mein.

If there is a hell, I'm going there. Hopefully, my friends will join me. Probably, the curtain will drop and blackness will ensue and I will never see, hear, think, or be anything again. That's truly what I think. And this too:

Unless there is a the possibility of haunting someone. Because I would totally do that.

If You Really Knew Me

If you really knew me

1. you'd know I suffer from extreme anxiety and constant worry.
2. you'd know that telling me to calm down induces the exact opposite reaction.
3. you'd know I love purple, sunflowers, all things Italian.
4. you'd know that a piece of my heart is in Italy and another in Argentina.
5. you'd know I'm extremely emotional and sensitive.
6. you'd know I am a master of seeming to have my act together even when I'm boiling with anxiety inside.
7. You'd know I wear my heart on my sleeve.
8. You'd know I always have the best intentions even when it doesn't turn out that way.
9. You'd know I'd rather be happy than right.
10. you'd know I'm uncomfortable with conflict.
11. you'd know I'm on the edge of OCD.
12. you'd know routines make me feel safe.
13. you'd know that I like to know the plan--and in fact, I like to MAKE the plan.
14. you'd know that I find it easier going into a new situation when I have some information and know a little bit about what to expect.
15. you'd know surprises scare me
16. you'd know I hate saying no.
17. you'd know I'm filled with guilt about many things.
18. you'd know there are things I will never speak about.
19. you'd know that when you yell at me, I cry inside.
20. you'd know that I am easily intimidated.
21. you'd know that I thrive on order.
22. you'd know I can't stand spiders.
23. you'd know I hate dirt.
24. you'd know I've seen/felt the presence of ghosts.
25. You'd know there are people I miss so much it hurts.
26. you'd know I always want to be the best but I'm afraid to admit it when I am.
27. you'd know I'm more proud of other people than I am of myself.
28. you'd know that I've never fit in.
29. you'd know that my feelings are hurt when you blow me off.
30. you'd know sometimes I need to be alone.
31. You'd know I'm judgmental to a fault. (mostly of myself)
32. You'd know I'm not sure if I'm more afraid if someone reads this list or if they don't.
33. You'd know I can't stand that some of these start with capital Y and some start with lower case y.
34. You'd know I miss Boston and the Sox and the seasons.
35. You'd know my favorite time of year is Fall but only in New England where the fiery colors of the leaves burn bright in the crisp air. Otherwise, I'll go for Spring.
36. You'd know I hide behind humor.
37. You'd know more about me than you should.

Off Topic #socialmedia #cesspoolofhate

Youtube has become a cesspool of hatred lately. So many people find it impossible to disagree without name calling or demeaning another person. Instead of simply saying "I disagree" they call people stupid ignorant, tell them to go fk off and die, etc. It's really sad. I used to enjoy watching lots of different youtubers who make videos about their lives, but right now I'm sticking to the ones about cleaning, organization, and friendly topics where hate doesn't thrive. It's so much calmer over on those channels.

I've found the same on much of social media lately. Why are people becoming so angry and mean? Is it the world events (elections, wars, terror) that makes us feel bigger by making someone else feel less than? I don't understand. 

I guess it all proves that sticking with routines and learning more how I can live my life in this crazy world, is increasingly important. 

Let there be peace on earth...and let it begin with me.

Routines are my Friend

I've watched way too many videos about having routines, being organized, planning--everything from using a fancy planner complete with stickers and colored pens, highlighters, etc to scribbling a to-do list on a post-it note. Whatever works, I guess. I'm somewhere in the middle of that. I have a planner but I can do without the stickers and color coded whatever that takes more time to create than actually writing down everything that has to be done so I can move on and DO THE THINGS.

What I have realized over and over is that routines are my friend. They make me feel safe. I know what is going to happen and everything is predictable. Everything has its place. Except when it doesn't and I have a meltdown. But let's not go there. #perfectionist

Having a routine for everything from what happens when I walk in the front door, to what room I'm cleaning that day, and when I'm doing laundry is important to me. I need to see it in front of me. Work tasks, Chores, outside obligations, friends--everything. Planned and put in a place. 

This week was rough. My routines and carefully planned days were turned upside down. Things got rescheduled, moved around, canceled, changed...and none of it was a huge deal, but all of it together threw me off the edge. I hate when I get that way. I want to be even-keeled. I really do. But I'm not. #klonopinhelps

I don't know where this is going, but I'm looking forward to a long weekend to recharge my batteries and re-establish routines. Again.