A certain Slant of Asshattery (thank you Emily Dickinson, for the inspiration for the title)*

*Emily Dickinson wrote a poem called A certain slant of light. Look it up. It's awesome!

Ok, now for my blog entry of the day: 

*****Warning***** 

The following blog includes foul language and major insults. If you do not like that kind of thing or are easily offended, please skip this one and come back another day for a different entry. Thanks and consider yourself warned.

Dear Jackfuck,

I know you considered my presentation a waste of your precious time and far beneath your intelligence, but let me tell you that your attitude of showing in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS how disinterested you were, only confirmed my opinion (or lack thereof) of your bellowing asshattery.
Having to tell the whole world about your accomplishments over and over does not make you a good person, a smart person, or even an interesting person. It makes you a fucking asshole braggart. Having to repeat over and over about how you wrote the rules and you know them better than anyone, is not only untrue, but again, makes you look like a jerk assjack guy with a small and crusty penis. I'm not sure if you understand, but these "rules" and guidelines were not written by YOU. You did not "help" write anything. You are a worker bee. And if you weren't, you would not be sitting in this dead-end job after all your years of so-called glory, which by the way, cannot be found ANYWHERE on the internet. Tech savvy, you say? Well, I guess you were too busy being "amazing" behind closed doors and nobody ever saw it. One would think a person such as yourself with the experience and expertise you claim to have, would be somewhere in the internet world. But no. There is absolutely nothing about you except a small flyer that advertises your performance with some kids I'm guessing you taught. And another thing--if you are so amazing and so well respected in your profession, made absolute MAGIC where you were, why in the holy hell are you not still there? Downsized? Bored? What is it? Why are you back here in the trenches where people begin? Do you think you're going to save us all? Think again. We play as a team around here and you play alone. You try to lead by aggrandizement and flamboyance, but no humility. You have placed yourself above everyone and demand we all look up to you. Well,  I have news for you. I am not looking up to you. I feel sorry for you. I think you are a fraud. I think you are intimidated by someone who might know just a little more than you or who has some ideas that work better than yours. Good luck in your career here because as an island, you won't last long. The waves you make will come back to erode your own shores. You will be smaller and smaller with time.

Sincerely,
Someone who knows what you said.
PS I would like an example of how I am "ill-suited" for my profession. Bring it. I can give you many about why YOU are ill-suited for yours.

Ramblings of not-a-morning person

This is only beautiful in a picture. In reality, it's a reason to growl.

It's early. I know for some, it's practically the middle of the day--and I'm not talking about because of what time zone they're in. I'm talking those people who leap out of bed at o'dark thirty and get to work by 7am ready to be productive. That's not me. At all. For years, I crawled into work at that hour and somehow made it through. No more. I've been fortunate enough to find work that doesn't involve o'dark thirty. Except when it does. Like today. UGH!! I have an early morning meeting about which I'm skeptical but I'm attending. I already hate what I'm wearing and wonder if I should change. I usually go to work related events dressed in what I consider professional clothing. Today I have jeans on. They are "nice" jeans--no holes, not tattered, and actually not appearing as jeans until you look closely. But I feel less than professional, so I may return to my closet to see if there is something better to wear--probably the same thing I wore to the last meeting. I wonder if these people just think I wear the same thing every day or I have 7 identical outfits? Then I ask myself: "Do I remember what they wore last time?" The answer is always no. So...yeah. As if anyone has time to think about me as much as I fear. 

Life is crazy and just when you think you're going to have a day to yourself to get stuff done and then have extra time to relax, things blow up. Not cool for a Type A personality such as myself. After spending about 6 hours doing work I thought would take me 2 hours (!!!) WTF, I had no patience left. And I still don't. This day's gonna rock!

Worry Dolls

Some people think they're on the same level as voodoo or magic or hippie-dippie cures, but I believe in my worry dolls. I don't often remember to tell them my troubles, but lately I've been having serious troubles. Worry has consumed me to the point where I can't sleep and when I do, I have anxiety dreams that wake me up so fast, I sit up with a start wondering what day it is, where am I, what time is it? Heart pounding, I try to shake off this uneasy feeling and remember I'm at home in my bed and it's (hopefully) not time to wake up yet. After several nights of this, I finally took out my worry dolls. I told one about my troubles/worries at work and another about my worries about life. The first morning, nothing was solved. I was skeptical and thought to myself how silly (stupid) I was to believe in such a thing as a worry doll's ability to solve my problems. But... I tried again. This time I spoke slowly and clearly and asked for help solving my dilemmas at work. I woke up and was surprised not too long after that, with a phone call from the very person I needed to talk to about solving this work issue. Much to my surprise (and delight!) he was completely understanding and we worked it out in a meeting later on. Everything is going to be fine. At least in that arena. (whew) So I'm going to see if my worry dolls can help me more and perhaps I can have some faith that things won't always be so anxiety producing. Time will tell.

The Elephant in the Room

When I was a kid (and sometimes not a kid) I always thought the saying was "the PINK elephant in the room". I don't know where on earth I got that, but there it is. So every time I hear or use that expression, I think of a pink elephant standing in the room where he (she?) is impossible to miss. And yet, as the saying goes, it's there, but nobody is talking about. They talk around it, behind it, through it, and every which way but ABOUT it. They do not address the enormous (pun intended) presence right there in the room. 

There is an elephant in the room now. It is staring at me and everyone around me. As per usual, nobody pays attention and in fact, pretends it's not there. I think about bringing it up and just being direct by saying we need to address this, get it out in the open, and move past it. Let it go out to where all happy elephants are. But I'm somehow afraid to point out this creature even though it's obviously there. Why am I afraid? Conflict is uncomfortable. Also, this elephant was hashed out in many conversations months ago. In essence, it shouldn't be here. But it's here because it's time to start the process that brought this elephant into being in the first place. Confused? Good. So am I. 

Long story short, someone proclaimed a new way of doing things. Rules, regulations, procedures were all set out in writing and everyone knew (or thought they knew) what would happen. Unfortunately, the plans went out the window and the entire process went awry. Nobody said anything until the deed was done and we were standing among the rubble that was left behind. There were hurt feelings, raging emotions, and lives were forever changed. This may sound dramatic, and maybe it is, but for those of us on the inside, it really did change us. I was changed--and maybe for the better. I became more aware of how things go when you do not stay honest. I became acutely aware of how it feels to wonder if someone you respected for so long and so deeply, really respected me. Lots of emotions flew around and I addressed them because frankly, although elephants are cool, they don't belong in my room.

I thought, after hashing things out, that we'd move on and it would be over. But it's not. At least I don't feel that way. It's that same time of year with that same anticipation of what's going to happen this time. Actions always speak louder than words, so I wait for the actions to happen. I'm not patient and nothing has even begun to unfold as of yet. Of course, I worry that is has indeed unfolded and I am left out for fear of my reaction. 

I honor direct, honest, clear, transparent, and real communication. My expectations are not always met and I'm disappointed when the world seems to function with a different set of rules than I have. Or if it functions with no rules at all. As I've said over and over, I'm just a Type A personality trying to make her way in this crazy world.

And on top of it all, I wonder if anyone reads this blog?

Type A to the MAX/Burning bridges

Ok, I am a self-professed, admittedly, unabashed, type A person. I live in a world of people who are not all like I am. It is difficult to navigate my way through this world sometimes. I need order. I need everything tied up in a bright purple bow and neatly put together wayyyyyyyy in advance. I don't like when things fall apart. I know...the best laid plans. Whatever. I'm not very tolerant of that. I'm also not tolerant of selective memories, selective hearing, and just plain shady behavior. When we have a deal, we have a deal. I hold up my end and you hold up yours. When you can't hold it up, just tell me. While I may be disappointed, I won't be angry. What WILL make me angry is when you don't hold up your end but you FAIL TO TELL ME ABOUT IT and then you simply avoid me. you have now burned your bridges. Chances are, at some point, you will need my help. I will have to consider whether or not I am able to give that help. I will not be enthused about going out of my way for you anymore. You have shattered my type A world and I don't like that. More importantly, you have shattered my trust. I trust nobody. Trust is extremely hard to earn and even harder to get back. I wish I could say I don't care, but sadly, I do. I care that I tried to please you and did everything you said, while you stabbed me in the back when I wasn't looking. I care that you put me in a predicament that I almost couldn't get out of because I had held up my end of the bargain. 
It galls me that I spend energy hating you. But I do. 

The other side of purple part 6

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Routines and other musings of almost OCD person

Routines are a thing people either seem to shun, run in disgust or live by, embrace, and sort of (ok, really) cannot live without. I would fall into the latter category. Routines make me feel safe. Routines make me feel grounded. I thrive on structure and predictability. I do not like surprises nor do I welcome unplanned anything. If only the world worked that way. Sigh.

Speaking of routines, I've recently found a routine for the most mundane of life's requirements: Cleaning. I like a clean and organized home. With my busy life and tiny apartment, it seemed an insurmountable endeavor to get and keep my home clutter free and therefore giving me less of a chance of breaking out in hives due to the anxiety of being surrounded by everything I own and probably should have tossed years ago. One day I came to a realization after watching a series of YouTube videos on home organization and cleaning. I don't know why I never made the connection before, but-- ROUTINES!!! YES!!! I had found the proverbial holy grail. Routines. Ok...so...how to start? I divided my tiny apartment into "zones" or "areas". I gave each zone a day of the week. My apartment is about the size of a postage stamp (the small ones, not the fancy ones you get for breast cancer and other cool causes) so I figured out I had 5 zones. Kitchen, Dining area (aka office), living room, bedroom, and bathroom/back hall(all one zone). Excellent. 

In my neat little list, I fit the 5 zones into five days of the week--Monday through Friday. Each day, I would tackle one area and only one area. My goal was to clean that area, clear out clutter (donate, toss) and make sure the things I kept were things I actually use. The first week was exciting as I saw the immediate change in each part of my apartment. I finished the week victorious and had extra time on the weekend to do laundry, errands, and even have FUN. Week 2 came and I found the task less daunting already. Each area had recently been cleaned and cleared of clutter, so this time I was able to clean more quickly and as I went through again, the clutter was less. I even dared to open closets and clear them out! I did, however, keep finding things that I really didn't need and tossed them or gave them away immediately. Liberating! (Tid bit of wisdom(?): I have never once missed an item I've tossed or given away when clearing out clutter--if you don't even remember you owned it, you won't remember you had it after it's gone. I promise. It's like magic) :)  Once I established the routine, I felt comfortable and settled. Each week, I deleted things from my life and found I really felt better. I also found that I didn't have to dedicate an entire day or even weekend to clean my apartment. I could actually accomplish what I wanted in less than an hour. Much less.

Then I hit another roadblock. What about the fact that I use some areas every day? For instance, the kitchen. I do not have a dishwasher, so there's no hiding the dishes even when they are drying in the dish rack beside the sink. I noticed that with my cleaner, neater kitchen, that dishes sitting in the drying rack appeared like clutter! I couldn't stand it. So, I made some other rules for myself. Every night before bed, all dishes must be washed AND put away. I cannot tell you what a fabulous feeling it is to walk into my clean kitchen in the morning and not have to dig out old coffee grinds and clean out the coffee maker just to make my morning coffee that I so desperately need to be human. At first, I thought, well damn...this means I have to clean not only the "zone of the day" but now I have to clean other parts as well. Before I got all freaked out and descended into my all or nothing thinking, I realized, that no, this was not "cleaning" per se, it was keeping things organized. And by doing that, I could actually clean the next day in another zone without the vast array of messy leftovers from the night before staring me down in the kitchen.

My other rule of thumb is to take a lap around the apartment (this takes about 3 seconds--remember I told you the size of my place) and put away shoes I'm notorious for leaving strewn about, and jackets hanging on chairs, water bottles, and other small things that I've used during the day. Seriously, these are the best spent few seconds of the day before I retire to my pile of pillows and fall asleep.

So far, I've succeeded in keeping a much cleaner and more organized space. My biggest challenge is my workspace since I work at home part time and don't have a dedicated office. I haven't found *quite* the right solution for storing all of my work supplies and the papers and such, but I'm getting there. I do know, I'm lucky because I have such a small space that I can fit the zones into one day a week and I have the time with my flexible schedule, to get it done in between working. Not sure how it would be if I had that bigger place I sometimes long for with 2 bedrooms, 2 and a half bathrooms and an office and a job that took me out of the home for more hours than mine does.

It's a start. And speaking of starting--that's always the first step. Just start! Make a plan and go for it!
Everyone's different and what works for me, may not work for you, but I hope this gave you a little insight into how to make something most of us don't want to do, into a doable task every day.

Until next time, have a happy structured day!

The other side of purple part 5

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Time Management 101 ( or 5000)

Time management has always been something I strived to perfect. I probably do better than I know or give myself credit for, but I'm always trying to make the most of my time and be the most efficient I can be both at work and at home.

Tips that have helped me:

Make a "to do" list and get it "to done". Make this list in order of priority--that is the most important and pressing items on top and the less pressing, but still want/need to get them done at the bottom. If I have a lot on my list, I can sometimes look at it and see if some things can be done simultaneously. For instance, if I have laundry to do, I can put the laundry in the washer and during the 37 minutes it takes to wash, I can vacuum, pay bills, or accomplish whatever small tasks on my list that will fit into that time. By the time the laundry goes into the dryer, I have already accomplished more than a few things on my list! Same goes for drying laundry. Think to yourself, what can I do during the time the laundry is drying? You have approximately 45-50 minutes which is more than enough time to tackle a "zone" which I described in my last blog entry. So the point is, think about the things on your list and how long they will take. Think about things you can while something is "going" such as laundry. This will not only save you time, but allow you to cross off things much more quickly! And we all know crossing off things on a list is so satisfying. :)

Doing errands:
Think about where you are going and what direction each place is from where you're starting--either work or home. Say you need gas in the car, money from the bank, and groceries. Well, maybe the gas station is on the way to the bank, so stop there first and then proceed to the bank. (unless you need the money first in which case, bank first). Groceries tend to be perishable so you don't want them sitting in your car, so I say this is the last stop before going back home. Try and group your errands by the area they are in and how long they will take. For all tasks no matter what category they fall into, I like to do the small things first, get them out of the way, and then tackle the big stuff.

Timing:
If you have a work schedule, how do your other personal chores fit in? Where can you find time to do these during the day? Make an appointment with yourself and put it on your calendar--whether that be on your phone or a paper calendar. Put in 5pm bank. 5:15 grocery store. You're more likely to get it done at that time if you see it on your calendar rather than just telling yourself you can put it off until tomorrow. Which brings me to my next point...

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Enough said.

Living an organized life is not rocket science but it does take some planning. Once you get into the habit or ROUTINE :) of planning your life like this, you will find you actually have MORE time for the fun things you want to do. And by fun, I mean relaxing on the couch watching your favorite trashy TV show if that's what you like.

Remember, everything takes time and just starting is the first step. Just start. You'll find your way sooner than you think. I'm the most impatient person on the planet so I know the statement about "everything takes time" can be infuriating and cause one to throw in the towel in frustration, but don't. It's totally worth the wait. And if you're like me, you will curse along the way and wish things would just happen faster. That's ok too.