The other side of purple part 4

Friday, June 24, 2016

Always have a plan (advice from a choral director)

Always have a plan. That's what my choral director said when there's a trouble spot in the music and you need to figure out how you're going to conquer it. In music, your plan may include counting, solfège, or a special way of remembering the interval (perfect fourth is "here comes the bride") or finding your entrance note is played in the piano just before you sing...or whatever. I didn't think until recently, that this tidbit of rehearsal advice really applies to all aspects of life. Always have a plan.

So I was thinking about my finances and the budget that I've attempted on many occasions to create. Never once have I managed to complete the budget before getting overwhelmed and filled with anxiety (numbers are not my thing and seeing my actual net worth or lack thereof, gives me hives) So I finally realized, I don't need a budget as much as I need a PLAN. In words. I wrote down my plans for saving money, my plans for paying off that credit card (note to self and others: you may be poor in grad school but NEVER NEVER think you can live off a credit card "just for a while" until you get back on your feet. By the time you're back on your feet, you'll still be paying off that sucker. SIGH) Lesson learned. Anyway, back to the plan. I found that writing out a financial plan in words, really helped me look at it more as "to do" list and not as a budget with too many numbers and humiliating evidence that I am up to my eyeballs in debt and even with my increased salary, still fall within the poor category. #BayArea #needasugardaddy #needtowinthelottery (need to PLAY)

Now to follow said plan... that's the hard part. But I can do this. I've conquered clutter in my home and now I can conquer clutter in my finances. Or something like that.

The other Side of Purple Part 3

Sunday, June 26, 2016

The Other Side of Purple--little known things about me

Opposite of purple on the color wheel is yellow. My favorite flowers are sunflowers. Fields of sunflowers gazing at the sun (especially if they happen to be growing in Tuscany) melt my heart. There is something about the way they look longingly (and all in the same direction--organized, clean...) at the sky that is just mindblowingly awesome. So yes, I like something that is not purple!

Another fun fact about me is that I happen like giraffes. They, too, are not purple. WHAT? They have wonderfully artistic markings and their lanky bodies combined with their goofy but oh so lovable expressions, make them awesome. I don't need a reason. Giraffes rock.

My favorite movie is "Under the Tuscan Sun" and I've always thought about running away to Italy and never coming home. How much irony does THAT bring up given my last two entries with "don't like surprises" and "always have a plan"? But in my defense, I would definitely plan my trip to Italy during which I'd become a permanent resident. Because I can't be THAT spontaneous. Still, I fantasize about life among the Italians (forgetting the corruption and the insanity of the slowest response to anything that needs to be fixed, repaired, replaced, or....done). The hill-towns of Toscana call my name in a voice that I can't describe. The only other time I heard it was briefly in Argentina when I looked up at the Southern Sky. It could have been the malbec or it could have been my absolute obsession with the stars, moon, and all that the night sky brings with it. Or maybe it was a combination of both. At any rate, I do love to travel and see the world even if I need everything planned out and organized along the way. 

Along with my dreams of running away to Italy, comes the language, the food, the people--all so beautiful and musical. Music fills my life at all times and Italian rolls off the tongue like no other in song. Did I mention I'm a singer? Yes...which leads me to the next little known fact about me. I love poetry. LOVE IT. One of the best things about being a singer is being able to delve into interesting, thought-provoking, devastatingly beautiful turns of phrase that cannot be expressed in a better way than through poetry and music combined. Pablo Neruda, Robert Frost, Dylan Thomas, Wilfred Owen, Emily Dickinson, and a vast array of others who tug at my heart strings and help me look inside myself at places I didn't know existed. Composers who bring these poets' words to life...Kirstina Rasmussen, Morten Lauridsen, Brian Holmes, and so many others, just complete the circle of the power of poetry and music. Each on its own, really is the other when you consider it. Poetry is music. Music is poetry. It's sometimes purple, but it's always beautiful and said in a way impossible in any other mode of expression.

I'll end it there and leave you to ponder the wonders of life.

The other Side of Purple Part 2

Monday, June 27, 2016

Time flies!

As I look ever the last year, I realize at this time 2 years ago,  I was contemplating how to change my life. I was at somewhat of a crossroads and was trying to figure out where to go from there. I loved my jobs but I was burned out and longed for more...or at least different. I had been pondering this thought for a awhile and couldn't name it, so I kept googling different things until I found it! I was, at first elated, but then being resistant to change and having major fear of the unknown, I second guessed myself. In the end, I (literally) dragged myself to an information session that would later change my life. Ok, I sound like an infomercial, but I promise you, it's nothing like that. Or maybe it is, but you can decide when you're finished reading. 

I drove to the train station, parked my car and took the short train ride to the info session. I sat in a big room with many other people and listened to the presentation about classes in the certificate program which would possibly lead me on another path in my career-not a total change, but a slight veer to the left from where I was at that moment. I was ready. Financially, it was reckless, but I figured learning is never wasted and I went for it. I took the classes and about 8 months later, received my PURPLE certificate in the mail! I was beyond happy. (not just because it was purple). 

With this new knowledge and the confidence it brought me, I was ready for that next step. Suffice it to say, I came upon a job that looked "perfect". I doubted myself, and passed to the next job posting. I ended up coming upon this job post in lots of my searches and figured it was some sort of sign. Just apply, I thought. What have you got to lose? So I wrote up a cover letter, spruced up my resume, and went to my summer job. Later that afternoon, I was granted an interview for as soon as possible. I was in shock. I reread the email a thousand times. Just to be sure. :)
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I remember the interview clearly. I was nervous and clammy and was trying to cover one of my frequent skin rashes with a scarf. Mind you, it was SUMMER, so finding a scarf that didn't make me look like I thought it was December in New England, was a challenge. But I did it. And I got the job! I have to say I never looked back (well maybe once) and after a year in this job, I can easily say it was worth it. I took a major chance and this employer took a major chance on a rookie like me. I think in the end we are all grateful. It has been an amazing journey and I can't imagine being in any other place but this one.

Never be afraid to take a chance. You never know what joy it could bring. This from someone who fears change more than the deletion of purple from the rainbow.

A candle doesn't lose its flame by lighting up another. 

Somehow that makes me think of this experience.

From the other side of purple

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Having A Fat Body As Opposed to "Being" Fat

I've always thought "I'm fat". For years and years, I was given the message that I AM FAT. Fat started to become how I identified myself."I'm fat", I would say. But wait a minute...is "fat" my whole identity? Sometimes society makes us feel as if it is. The (small but) rational part of my brain realizes, that there is a difference between "having fat" and "being fat". While I may have a fat body, I am not simply fat. I am purple, I am intelligent, curious, musical, funny (or so say my friends), and have varied interests. I am a reader, a writer, a singer, a teacher, a lover of all things purple and Italian. I am so many things. But I'm not fat. I HAVE a fat body, yes. 

Trying to erase that notion from my mind is not an easy task. I mean, with society as it is and those broken records playing over and over in my head, it's hard to quiet the noise of "I AM FAT" and hear all the other things I am.

I do admit that with my all or nothing mentality, I do feel that all people see is a fat girl and even if they don't, they should. I want to lose 60 pounds, but it isn't going to happen. At least not today.
I've gained and lost probably 3 times that over my lifetime. One things remained the entire time--I was always much more than whatever my body looked like. I wish I had known that before now.

No picture needed except whatever is in your imagination.

Up in a tree? Fell off a cliff? Drive into a fence?

Well, the world has gone crazy (as if it weren't already). People walking around with the noses in the cell phones searching for a cartoon. Seriously? And "they" say this is good because it's getting people out of the house and exercising. WHAT?! So people need a gimmick to get outside and move around? And meanwhile, they're out there walking into poles, falling off cliffs, driving into fences, and getting stuck in trees. Yes, those are all true stories. Look them up. I'm losing my faith in humanity. All this mixed with the turmoil in the world, the crazy political scene, and endless hate all over the place, makes me want to crawl under my covers and hope it all goes away. Can I buy a ticket to the moon? Or somewhere further where there may be intelligent life. 

I have never in my life felt such a mix of horrified, terrified, sad, angry, and anxious. I'm hoping for a happy ending, but I'm not holding my breath. 

In other news, I love sunflowers especially when they are in endless fields. I also love giraffes and cats (although I'm allergic--to cats, not giraffes.) I love purple. And I wonder where my 2 other blogs are out in this world. Crazy.

Dear 20-something me

Dear 20-something me,

You have just auditioned for PWC and you got accepted! Exciting! You are about to embark on an adventure that will change your life in more ways than musically. You will meet amazing people, learn to love music you never knew would even qualify as music in your mind, and you will find yourself in the process. Over the next 19 years, you will love and lose people who will become part of you forever. You will discover that you are stronger than you ever knew you could be. You'll take on leadership roles and excel at them--even enjoy them! There will be good times, bad times, and everything in between. Just take it all in, enjoy it, and make sure you take time to savor each moment you have in this chorus. Savor your relationships with people and learn kindness. You will find a voice you never knew you had--both literally and figuratively.
When you look back at this year 1997, when you joined PWC, you will see a completely different person. You will be proud of who you've become and grateful for the people who helped you get there. Tears will come at times when you least expect them. Let them flow. It's all ok. Allow yourself to feel even when you want to be numb. Allow yourself to grow from these experiences and allow yourself to change. Change is scary, but it will bring you to wonderful places.

Speaking of wonderful places, you will travel the world with PWC. You'll go to Vancouver, San Antonio, Newfoundland, Hungary, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Slovenia, Italy, Austria, and Argentina. There will be a tiny solo that will change you and draw you to the southern hemisphere sky of stars. It will be your favorite solo of all time.

PWC is the best choice you ever made. You don't know that now, but you'll find out.

Love,
46-year old you

Words fail me on so many levels

Words fail me for just about everything these days. It's a wonder I can even write this blog without having to look up every other word in a dictionary or consult a thesaurus so I don't use mundane vocabulary and bore to death whoever reads this. (namely me, because I doubt there are any other readers on this blog).

Orlando.....words fails me.
Trump.....words fail me beyond measure.
Irresponsible, entitled, selfish people.....words don't really fail me, but they'd probably get me in trouble or even arrested if I used them. So suffice it to say, if you can't meet a deadline, can't manage to follow through with a simple task, I hate you. Yes, I used the word HATE. You annoy me, you make my blood boil, and you pretty much give me hives. I hope your stuff falls off.

Words fail me for the rest of this so I'll sign off here. I have things to do, deadlines to meet, and allergies to get rid of.

Thanks for reading and until next time, look for the purple in life.