Inspired by Sarah Rush--things I've learned in my thirty-sixteen years

Thirty-sixteen years on this planet and I've learned a lot... I will try to come up with thirty-sixteen of them (that's 46 if you don't know me and the fact that I still wish and refuse to believe I'm not still in my 30's)


1. You can't please everyone.
2. Be yourself no matter what.
3. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
4. Trust is hard to earn and even harder to earn back.
5. The truth sometimes hurts but it's always the best policy.
6. People are not always who they seem to be.
7. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.
8. NOBODY is perfect no matter what you think.
9. The grass is often greener on the other side.
10. Do what you love and love what you do.
11. No job (relationship, friendship) is worth sacrificing your sanity.
12. Never ever stay in an abusive relationship.
13. Don't stay together "for the kids". Get divorced.
14. Manners matter
15. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
16. You do not owe anyone an explanation for the way you feel.
17. No means no.
18. You don't have to explain why your answer is no.
19. Try not to go to sleep angry.
20. Agree to disagree.
21. Fight fair.
22. You can be happy or you can be right.
23. Sometimes it IS your fault.
24. Always being the victim is unattractive.
25. Smiles are contagious.
26. If you're a teacher, your students will teach you more than you can ever teach them. Pay attention.
27. I've learned that forgiving doesn't always mean forgetting.
28. The small things don't matter in the end.
29. Cancer sucks.
30. Hold your loved ones tight because you never know when they'll be gone.
31. Music heals.
32. Singing in a choir means being part of something bigger than yourself and having the ability to create something you could never create alone.
33. Be able to say you're sorry.
34. Crying doesn't mean you're weak.
35. Therapy can help but sometimes it hurts. Knowing the difference can save your life.
36. Building each other up is always better than tearing someone down.
37. Secrets are poison.
38. Sometimes it's ok to put yourself first.
39. It's not about being the best, it's about doing your best.
40. If you have a roof over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back, and money in your pocket, you are doing better than most of the world.
41. Be grateful.
42. Respect is earned not just given.
43. Being grateful is difficult sometimes.
44. We're all human.
45. Donald Trump is dangerous and scary.
46. This list was difficult to make!

Secrets and lies of omission

Secrets are poison. Lies whether of omission or blatant and baldfaced, create disharmony. They're bound to come out one way or another. Someone will mistakenly give the secret information out or it will just find its way through the tangled web until its ugly head is reared. Either way, secrets and lies are toxic to a relationship, a workplace, or even between two people.

I recently became aware of some information quite by accident. An innocent person asked me a question about something and after realizing I had no idea what he was talking about, I found something I was obviously not supposed to know. I wrote it off and as I did not want to "out" this person for mentioning something he did not know was taboo, I figured it would blow over and I'd forget. It wasn't real because I didn't know when it was going to happen.

Fast forward a week or two and I'm unwittingly cc'd on an email regarding this same piece of information and now it's real. Reading down the thread, I see what's happening and I'm SURE I was never supposed to know. It was a lie of omission. Something that was never supposed to be said and never supposed to be found out. Well, now I know and now it has been said. What to do?

I go through the cycle of anger, fury, depression, sadness, and get "stuck" wondering if I should simply call it out and clear the air. No, I don't want to make matters worse than they are. But... it WILL come out and it WILL be evident that I know, by no fault of my own. Will I get an explanation? An apology? Do I care? Probably not and I don't know.

Moral of this crazy story: don't lie on purpose or by omission. It's poisonous and will forever change someone's perception of you.

Another trip around the sun

As a facebook friend so eloquently put it, I've completed another trip around the sun. It was a crazy, exciting, awesome year to be sure, but the marking of the event this year was lackluster. I was half happy about that since I'm not a fan of getting older, but I was a bit sad that I had no specific plans except to add wine to a meeting I was running that evening. Ah well. No need for fanfare, I suppose.
I'm just astonished that I'm thirty-sixteen...ahem, 46. Creeping closer to the big FIVE-OH scares the hell out of me. It's quite paradoxical because I always thought I'd be dead by 30 (that's a whole other blog that I will refrain from getting into now). and so I never feared getting old because I didn't think I would. To me "old" meant 35. Now I face my mortality and that of my parents as well. Oy. Thinking about it and how I have absolutely no control over it whatsoever, gives me anxiety beyond belief. And I already have enough of that.
I'm still torn between, how do I get out of the rest of my life and please don't let me or anyone else die.

On another note, yet another person in my life confided in me that she has what she believes is anxiety. It's always strange to me to find more and more people I know suffer with this ailment. It's so common and yet so secretive much of the time. I'm grateful for medication and how it has saved me from myself. I'm sad for everyone who has to face this demon because it sucks the life out of you.

Well, that was uplifting. I wonder if anyone reads this?

That little place of success

I never wanted to be a professional singer. I knew that the competition would wear me out mentally and physically and I simply wasn't interested in making music to be "better" than someone else. I wanted to teach and so I did. But there was a part of me that wanted to sing too. I found my place in this most wonderful choir where I discovered I had a voice that people wanted to hear--that deserved to be heard. I grew and my confidence came with every new song I sang. I had finally found my little place of happiness in the performing world. It was a lot of work and a lot of trusting (I'm not good at that) but it was well worth it. I felt happy about where I was--I wasn't going to the Met, but I was singing as well as I could and happy with what I had. Suddenly, it was taken away from me and I didn't even realize it until later.

A crushing rejection was the beginning of my defeat. I was in one of the happiest places emotionally when this all came to be. I didn't see it coming and I had no notion of how it would affect me so deep down in my core. I suddenly felt like there was something choking me when I sang. I was no longer good enough and I couldn't find "my" voice anymore. I was lost and confused. I wasn't sure I wanted to sing anymore. I'm still not sure.

No apologies have been made and the crushing seems to be a distant memory for most. I've been told to "let it go" or "forget it". I can't and I won't. A huge part of who I thought I was was ripped from my heart. And it cannot be repaired.

I am still seeking my place in the performance world. Maybe one day I will find it again.

Fail

I always think I will write more on my  blog (that nobody reads anyway) but somehow a month has passed and here I am having written absolutely nothing. Sigh. My life is crazy and busy and filled with lots to talk about, but somehow I sit down and it all becomes mundane and boring.

I've recently become friends with an ex. Is that even possible? I've never been successful with that before but this time seems different--almost dangerous, though. Not sure what to make of it, but we've hung out twice now and I have to consciously avoid that simmer of tension (ahem) that I know is there. This is why I do not befriend my exes. I cut the cord and move the hell on. Also, I've gained about 50 pounds since we dated and how can he not notice this? Ugh.

That off my chest, I'll move on to other things in no particular order:
-I think I've lost my mind--recently sent an email to the wrong recipient and it didn't go over well.
I kind of told this person off and insinuated that she sucked banana feet (which she did but I didn't exactly say that, she had to read between the lines).

-I am burned out on my volunteer job and feel unappreciated and as though nobody gives a crap about my feelings anymore. They're probably waiting for the day when the baton is handed to my successor. Believe me, I'm waiting too.

-I'm still fat. Enough said.

I guess that's all. I feel like this blog needs an overhaul. I'll get on that. Oh--and I do NOT feel the Bern. Team Hillary over here.
GO HILLARY!

If you don't have anything nice to say...

Please don't say anything. I have a neighbor--you know "that" neighbor--the one who is always up in everyone's business, talks trash about everyone, thinks she's always right, has no filter, and basically ends up being a nuisance rather than the "model citizen" she believes herself to be. Well, I'm sorry you didn't like the dresser I got for free many years ago when I had none and I was too poor to buy one. I had painted it and freshened it up, and quite frankly, it was a good dresser for many years. Recently, I had put it out for removal since it had gotten old, was worn out, and I had a replacement from a family member. This "kind" neighbor proclaimed it ugly. Honey, the only thing ugly here is YOU and what YOU said. She said of a perfectly good rocking chair I had put out for free to anyone who wanted it, "nobody wants that. It's fat city here". Well, excuse me, but I don't live in "fat city" and maybe YOU don't want it, but someone else might. So I took it back, cleaned it up, and am ready to give it another chance at life.
And yes, I took those plants back to my deck because I don't want you to care for them. They're not yours. The ones I left outside by the front are the ones YOU put there. They were never mine. I'm tempted to put them back in front of YOUR door.

This little apartment building used to be a friendly, fun place. Now this one person has soured it. I want to move but can't afford to do so. I'm sad that one person has turned my living situation into a constant worry she'll knock on my door or see me walking in/out or whatever. I wish SHE would move. And her stupid dog too. (sorry, but her dog is in need of therapy as is she!)

New year's resolutions

They seem to be the same every year. I always vow to lose 1000 pounds, get organized, and save more money. And here I am yet again with the very same resolutions. Why is it that they do not work? Are they inherently flawed or are they just unreasonable? I wonder if I should start thinking about different resolutions or not making them at all since I always end up in December feeling ashamed and disappointed. About 2 (3?) years ago, I made a resolution to exercise every day no matter what and I have to say I have stuck to that. It hasn't made a difference in anything but my ability to blow off steam-which, if you know me, is a huge thing. Ahem.
I would just like to achieve that smaller body I know is inside hiding under this fat, blob I've become. I don't even know how I got here. Sigh. I could go back to my "ways" and sometimes I do, but I need to commit to something...ANYTHING. This is not working and I seem to be getting larger and larger. And not in a good way.

So here I say once again:
I will lose 50 pounds (hopefully more but that is a nice round number to start with--can't help but notice the irony of the word "round").

I will save more money--seems like I should be able to do this since I got a better paying job.

I will be more organized--clean up computer files and not let papers pile up.

Ready.....set.....GO!!!!

Happy New Year, everyone!