Type A anxiety

It's been a strange week of nothing and everything all at once. I'm back in routines and yet I look around and wonder if I've gotten anything done. I always see more I could have, should have, would have, done if only....if only what? I don't know!! It upsets me to the core when I look around and don't see the fruits of my labor. I feel as if I've done nothing and wasted time for hours. And I'm tired. Oh so tired. 

I hope next week puts me out of this crazy funkitude. I want to live my life, be present, and enjoy every moment. Because moments are fleeting and you can turn around suddenly to find out your life has changed in an instant. And that is precisely what has happened to friends of mine. Life is precious and fragile. People leave before their time and the ugliness of insidious disease threatens to snatch them away without notice. I'm trying to breathe. It's cold and lonely here in the land of wanting everything to be perfect like a puzzle with every piece in place. Because much to my dismay it will NEVER be like that. Not ever. {sigh}

So once again, I find myself a type A person living in a world where I don't quite fit in. It's a struggle. I grab on tightly to the routines I know, the safety in planning, of knowing what comes next. I hope that if I stay there long enough, the chaos will go away and I will be calm. 

Uncertainty is not my friend. Change is good when it's gradual and ends in happiness, but not when it leaves me nervous about the known in front of me. I remind myself of how many times I've felt this way and I've never died. I've always made it through and survived to fight another day. It still hurts and it's scary, but I know that I will make it.

I feel myself slipping into nothingness. I am not important, I do not matter, and I'm insignificant. Or at least that is how I feel. What I used to think was my greatest talent has become my biggest insecurity. How does that happen? I guess, as usual, I have many more questions than answers. 

Time for sleep and hope for a brighter day tomorrow. My mom always said, tomorrow is another day.

Remember that elephant?

This is the elephant. If you forgot about it, you can go back and read about it in an earlier blog post. I'm too lazy to find the link, but you can do it yourself. I have faith in you. 

Anyway, the elephant was addressed today. I spoke out loud and addressed that giant pink thing staring at me and the conversation was ... well... interesting. I find it interesting that people are so uneasy about telling the truth even when given permission to say everything, leave off the sugarcoating, take off the kid gloves, and put it out there in all its honest candor. But people can't do it. It's ok because I can hear between the lines. I know the answers to the questions by the way people don't answer them--by the way they avoid them. And I lose respect for people who walk around the question and for whatever reason don't respect ME enough to tell me the truth. 

I will not be putting myself in a position to feel bad. I will not be inviting criticism or rejection. I'll simply move out of the way slowly until I'm out of sight. And I'll take the elephant with me.

Late Night Facebook Quiz

Ok it's from a facebook quiz, but I kind of like this. I finally feel vindicated for being sort of negative. But it doesn't mean I'm all doom and gloom. 

"....pessimists focus more on the darker side of life and think more negatively about the big picture. They worry a lot because they feel nothing is under their control, yet at the same time they both expect and prepare for the worst so that in the end nothing really surprises them. While the term pessimist brings doom and gloom to mind, they are not the miserable souls many mistakenly assume them to be."

Sometimes facebook quizzes taken late at night can really make a person feel validated. WOOT!

Feeling less than purple

I usually have a thick skin but lately I've felt left out. I'm finding out about things happening in which I was not included. I know people have many groups of friends and that's ok. What is unsettling is that many people post things on social media that make other people wonder "why was I not invited?" There are many answers to that question ranging from "it was a spontaneous meet up" to "we planned this months ago and decided it would just be us" to "you are just not someone we wanted to include". Either way, it hurts and left to my own devices, I will OF COURSE, take it personally. Because when in doubt take it personally. Wish I could say I thought of that phrase, but I didn't. 

So a few things have happened recently. A friend was in town and let me know suggesting we meet up for drinks, etc. I suggested some dates and the person quickly responded with what I call backpedaling--well, I'm not sure what's going to work, I don't have a car, I'm not as close as usual, blah blah blah... so I said, well let me know when you're free. Fast forward 2 weeks and I see facebook postings of another happy hour this person had with people I know. Ok then. Clearly, I am the "back up plan" in case another better offer doesn't come through.

The next thing that happened was I was asked to lend something for an event. I agreed to do so and went out of my way to make sure it was the proper item with all the things they needed. (keeping this vague on purpose so as to protect the innocent and not so innocent and my ass). Fast forward 2 days and I hear nothing. Get random vague text indicating item might not be needed but will be contacted if it is. Umm...ok, but I have my life to live and I'm not waiting around at home "just in case you decide you need this item". Never heard another word. WTF.

Additional and probably petty and small are finding out I was not asked to do something special, not invited to a significant event, and that I was pretty much the ONLY person not included. Again, found out on FB where people thoughtlessly posted pictures. Really? Also a childhood friend was in town and less than 1 hour from me. Did she call? No. Did she even say hey, I won't be able to see you, but I'm very close and hopefully next time? NO. Sigh. Granted I haven't seen her in over 30 years, but damn. 

Ok, my petty and small and somewhat shameful entry is over. Carry on. Back to organizing. Clutter sucks as much as this blog.

Sad and embarrassed.

Tired

I am beyond tired. The kind of tired that you feel in your bones and in the innermost parts of your very soul. I am tired more emotionally than physically. Or maybe the emotions, as they usually do, seem to consume me more than the physical symptoms. At any rate. I am tired. I want to sleep for a week and wake up refreshed and ready for action.
(and 90 pounds lighter) I'm sure that's realistic.

Getting closer to calm

Let's face it, I will never be a calm person. It's just not my nature and the anxiety that boils underneath the surface of my skin, makes it impossible for me to be anything but high-strung, sort of (ok, a lot) anxious, and always Type A with a side of OCD. But you know what? That's OK!! I'm allowed to be who I am. How boring would the world be if everyone were exactly the same? That is not to say I don't wish for everyone to be more punctual, more organized, and more put together than they are. Ahem.

That said, I am getting closer to calm again. Part of this small miracle is my determination to get back into my routines the way I intended them to be. I am facing every day with a plan. I disappoint myself sometimes when my plans aren't completed every day, but hey, at least I have a plan! I'm feeling more settled as I organize more and continue to declutter my home as well as my life.

It feels SO GOOD to have things in order, where I can find them without tearing my house apart (not to mention my hair) and to feel light and free with space to breathe. I love cleaning and organizing--or at least the end result of it. ;)

I hope that someone is learning a little from these ramblings of mine. I wonder if anyone actually READS this blog? I'm not even sure how to find it myself other than the saved link. Oh well.

Have a very purple and organized day!

Back to basics

I'm realizing I've gone off on a tangent with my blog. I started this series of what I considered to be useful tips on cleaning, organizing, and navigating through this chaotic world as a type A person. But somehow I ended up in the world of worry dolls, let downs, angry rants, and general malaise. I guess that IS a part of my journey through life as a type A person living in a decidedly NOT type A world. Things just don't fall into place as I wish they would.

I'm getting back to my routines at home and paying more attention to how I use my time. After watching some videos about planning (yes, they're out there!) I've realized that just having a routine for cleaning is not enough. What about the rest of life? I need to be sure to leave time for everything I need to do--everything from exercising, to making coffee, to grocery shopping, making sure the car has gas in it, going to the bank...all of the stuff that we call "adulting". All of the stuff we wish we didn't have to do. But those of us who are type A and nearly OCD, need to get these things done in a timely fashion so as to reduce anxiety. So, my next goal is to consciously plan. I don't mean schedule my life minute by minute (well sort of not) but schedule days for certain tasks each week. With my crazy schedule, it would hard to say laundry must be on the same day each week, but it does have to get done, so planning by the week would be useful. I don't (think I) need one of those fancy planners with stickers and cutesy labels, but I need something. Maybe a calendar would be sufficient. I'm really going to try to plan each week's tasks so that I know when things are getting done and I don't get to the end of the week only to realize my fridge is empty and I have no clean clothes and how the hell did that happen?

Hopefully, this attempt at further organizing my life will in turn give me some peace. The angst inside of me sometimes boils over and it's not pretty. Breathe, people say. But I can't. I reach for my inhaler.

Trying to go from this:

To this: 

A certain Slant of Asshattery (thank you Emily Dickinson, for the inspiration for the title)*

*Emily Dickinson wrote a poem called A certain slant of light. Look it up. It's awesome!

Ok, now for my blog entry of the day: 

*****Warning***** 

The following blog includes foul language and major insults. If you do not like that kind of thing or are easily offended, please skip this one and come back another day for a different entry. Thanks and consider yourself warned.

Dear Jackfuck,

I know you considered my presentation a waste of your precious time and far beneath your intelligence, but let me tell you that your attitude of showing in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS how disinterested you were, only confirmed my opinion (or lack thereof) of your bellowing asshattery.
Having to tell the whole world about your accomplishments over and over does not make you a good person, a smart person, or even an interesting person. It makes you a fucking asshole braggart. Having to repeat over and over about how you wrote the rules and you know them better than anyone, is not only untrue, but again, makes you look like a jerk assjack guy with a small and crusty penis. I'm not sure if you understand, but these "rules" and guidelines were not written by YOU. You did not "help" write anything. You are a worker bee. And if you weren't, you would not be sitting in this dead-end job after all your years of so-called glory, which by the way, cannot be found ANYWHERE on the internet. Tech savvy, you say? Well, I guess you were too busy being "amazing" behind closed doors and nobody ever saw it. One would think a person such as yourself with the experience and expertise you claim to have, would be somewhere in the internet world. But no. There is absolutely nothing about you except a small flyer that advertises your performance with some kids I'm guessing you taught. And another thing--if you are so amazing and so well respected in your profession, made absolute MAGIC where you were, why in the holy hell are you not still there? Downsized? Bored? What is it? Why are you back here in the trenches where people begin? Do you think you're going to save us all? Think again. We play as a team around here and you play alone. You try to lead by aggrandizement and flamboyance, but no humility. You have placed yourself above everyone and demand we all look up to you. Well,  I have news for you. I am not looking up to you. I feel sorry for you. I think you are a fraud. I think you are intimidated by someone who might know just a little more than you or who has some ideas that work better than yours. Good luck in your career here because as an island, you won't last long. The waves you make will come back to erode your own shores. You will be smaller and smaller with time.

Sincerely,
Someone who knows what you said.
PS I would like an example of how I am "ill-suited" for my profession. Bring it. I can give you many about why YOU are ill-suited for yours.

Ramblings of not-a-morning person

This is only beautiful in a picture. In reality, it's a reason to growl.

It's early. I know for some, it's practically the middle of the day--and I'm not talking about because of what time zone they're in. I'm talking those people who leap out of bed at o'dark thirty and get to work by 7am ready to be productive. That's not me. At all. For years, I crawled into work at that hour and somehow made it through. No more. I've been fortunate enough to find work that doesn't involve o'dark thirty. Except when it does. Like today. UGH!! I have an early morning meeting about which I'm skeptical but I'm attending. I already hate what I'm wearing and wonder if I should change. I usually go to work related events dressed in what I consider professional clothing. Today I have jeans on. They are "nice" jeans--no holes, not tattered, and actually not appearing as jeans until you look closely. But I feel less than professional, so I may return to my closet to see if there is something better to wear--probably the same thing I wore to the last meeting. I wonder if these people just think I wear the same thing every day or I have 7 identical outfits? Then I ask myself: "Do I remember what they wore last time?" The answer is always no. So...yeah. As if anyone has time to think about me as much as I fear. 

Life is crazy and just when you think you're going to have a day to yourself to get stuff done and then have extra time to relax, things blow up. Not cool for a Type A personality such as myself. After spending about 6 hours doing work I thought would take me 2 hours (!!!) WTF, I had no patience left. And I still don't. This day's gonna rock!

Worry Dolls

Some people think they're on the same level as voodoo or magic or hippie-dippie cures, but I believe in my worry dolls. I don't often remember to tell them my troubles, but lately I've been having serious troubles. Worry has consumed me to the point where I can't sleep and when I do, I have anxiety dreams that wake me up so fast, I sit up with a start wondering what day it is, where am I, what time is it? Heart pounding, I try to shake off this uneasy feeling and remember I'm at home in my bed and it's (hopefully) not time to wake up yet. After several nights of this, I finally took out my worry dolls. I told one about my troubles/worries at work and another about my worries about life. The first morning, nothing was solved. I was skeptical and thought to myself how silly (stupid) I was to believe in such a thing as a worry doll's ability to solve my problems. But... I tried again. This time I spoke slowly and clearly and asked for help solving my dilemmas at work. I woke up and was surprised not too long after that, with a phone call from the very person I needed to talk to about solving this work issue. Much to my surprise (and delight!) he was completely understanding and we worked it out in a meeting later on. Everything is going to be fine. At least in that arena. (whew) So I'm going to see if my worry dolls can help me more and perhaps I can have some faith that things won't always be so anxiety producing. Time will tell.